A bridge too far or Ram a Horse with a Tender Rod Hash

Hares:  Tender Vittles, Horsefli Drivebi, Ramrob

So there we were in e-mails up to here, with the hares promising the most shiggy of trails, with lengths of epic proportions and terrain so ruff, not even the dogs could attend…

Now, with most hares, all of the smoke and sunshine being blow up our asses on the email is just that, smoke and sunshine.  This time it was different.  This time, it was the truth.  Tender Vittles, Horsefli Driveby and Ramrod put a lot of work in to the trail and it showed.  The pack gathered at the early hour of 3 pm in the distant land of Sugarland.  Now, this trail was so intense that the drive down to that mythical land required a steady hand and a keen eye as the hares provided torrential downpour all over town in the few hours leading up to the hash; so much so that the pack consisted of only the most dedicated(retarded) and veteran(gullible) hashers.  I think it was only about 35 hounds.

As the pack waited for the start, the clouds cleared and what was going to be a raining cool day turned into a sweltering sweat-a-thon.  Horsefly and T.V. ran off to live lay the trail while Ramrod hung back to explain the always confusing hash marks.  This trail had a D & W split for dry and wet.  Supposedly the wet was the shorted way but I know from experience that it was not.  So the hounds eventually start their running and the all-wise McPisser decides that he knows which bridge is too far and decided to range and try and catch the hares.  He quickly came to regret his decision when he found himself in a field full of hog traps causing him to step lightly and head back to his car to autowank the rest of trail.

Meanwhile, the hounds were hot on the trail and came to a long suspension bridge going of the Brazos River.  This bridge both terrified and excited the hashers (just like sex) but it mostly pissed off Geek.  One could here him miles ahead cursing the hounds as he ran the trail and deeming this the worst trail of the decade.  After a beer check at the end of the bridge, the hashers went on.  They crossed many of fields and finally came to one that was occupied by some horses.  These weren’t just any horses but two of the four that will be ridden during the Apocalypse.  These horses moved towards the hashers in their field with such a ferocity in their eyes that even Satan himself would’ve turned around and gone the other way.  It wasn’t until the horses found themselves surrounded by a multitude of halfwit hashers that they decided they were out numbered and should move away.

After running through more woods and coming to a second beer check, the hashers found another wet/dry crossing.  It was found out that this is where Horsefli lost his rolls of TP to the water because of little gators floating around.  It was probably a stick but he says “gator”.   It is also where DipShit had to get one more pinch before losing his can of dip to the trail.  Right before that the hounds were trekking through the high weeds when yelps were heard all around.  Apparently the hashers had stumbled upon the same bees that gave Tender Vittles a little prick in the eye.  Many o’ hashers were stung and started to haul ass to the third beer check.  After even more woods and hills, the hares came to the old bridge that was used for an older ending spot.  This led to the third wet/dry option and once again, Geek was pissed.  Some hashers chose to try and swim across the Brazos river again while others decided it was safer to walk across a bridge that has no shoulders.  I chose the water.  I felt safer.  Finally the Beer Near/On In were visible but in true Tender Vittles tradition, he couldn’t end trail with out first killing a dear and sharing it with the circle.

As McPisser started circle for the boo-ing of the hares, the last few people were making their way in.  Ramrod took over after his first down down when he introduced a visiting hasher from Vegas, called in birthdays and celebrations, etc, etc.  Shigmata finally made it in to circle after starting the hash at 4 pm and running alone in the woods.  DFL!  Circle was short with some good accusations that I can’t remember but I do remember a lot of hounds leaving before the keg was even done.  There was an impromptu song circle about Jesus while the stragglers tried their best to kill it but after a few rounds, hunger took over and we decided to leave.  The on after was at…. The Bullpen!  Hooray!  Most hashers were too tired to stay there long because of the heinous trail.  And that’s it.

Announcements:   Dick Assley has two puppies for adoption

Sunday’s trail will be hared by the Lovely and Lushous BRRRGGGHHH and I Fucked Your Dad.  WEAR YOUR DAMN TUTUS!

That’s wraps it up here but I never do.

Written but not read,

Dick Assley