Courtesy of: I Fucked Your Dad, Androgymouth, and Just Sean
I Fucked Your Dad fucked your dad. Yours, sometime last year. Because she CARES about Father’s Day, you insufferable ingrate. Who is your dad to resist the double onslaught of that face and ass? To celebrate, she enlisted her pal Just Sean to help her lay a trail, and Androgymouth to talk to the cops, his favorite pastime. Their trail began at 8th Wonder Brewery with a few pitchers of locally produced pilsners. Their trail ended at some sort of cooperatively owned and maintained home. In between, there was a beer check, whiskey check, and several miles of extra-hot pre-summer pavement. To encourage attendance, they promised prizes for the best dad outfit, daddy’s little girl costume, and best father’s day gift found on trail. What could go wrong? Not that much, to be perfectly honest. Although trail was awful long for the temperature. Hashing through the hood proved interesting, as usual. Father’s day gifts were scarce until a trash pile of discarded toys yielded a trail treasure gold mine.
CIRCLE
Once most of the pack had arrived at the On In and supped on ales and cleansed on hoses, newly erected Religious Advisor Platterpuss convened circle to the tune of the Engineer Song. As he is a new RA and it has a lot of words, Platterpuss cleverly inscribed them on a quarterback’s play-calling armband for assistance. Sir, Colin Kaepernick you are not. Once the hares had been duly fêted and flagellated for their shitty trail, it was time to meet the virgins: Just Sean (w/ Speed Bumps, favorite farm animal a tiger? He must have been farming on Neverland Ranch), Just Will (w/ Androgymouth, favorite sex position is spooning, which is NOT sex!), and Just Mackenzie (w/ Androgymouth, favorite sexual animal is the horse, that rules out a lot of the hounds) comprised their number. Visitors featured the likes of Homodynamics from EatMe (who could recall no songs!) and Just Jody (who is an attractive harriette!). Reboots were numerous and bear no further mention. Birthdays were equally profligate, including Spot On The Mat, Barbie, Amazing Technicolor Vagina, Red Light Special, Whale’s Vagina, and Chopped Liver. Fuck them! At last usual business was complete and accusations could begin.
The hares naturally led the charge, drinking for their Father’s Day Death March (brought to you by Cialis!). Just Phom was made to drink for admitting to swamp ass whilst on a car back. Namings of Swamp Ass Sandwich and Techno Twat went unsuccessful. Hooter Bill was nonetheless successful, as he finally learned what Swamp Ass is. He later learned a new neologism, making several deposits in his Spank Bank during circle. Whale’s Vagina was accused of not bringing a toy to entice children at the playground check. All his toys were still in the dishwasher! At last it was time for awards. 50 Shades of Gay earned the coveted Daddy’s Little Girl swamp boating session, lucky SOB. Pull The Plug was dressed as the best daddy, rocking a wicked cravat. It was decided that Red Light Special found the best Father’s day gift on trail, a pair of panties only slightly used. No word yet on if they were hers or not. Comma Sutra drank for having a neon ass, as if its fineness was hard to notice, thus copying Hooter Bill. Ring of Fire was next, for rakishly pulling here skirt up during circle, to -ahem- air out her basement.
Circle promptly barreled into ultral lame territory. Holey Matrimonkey drank for literally sporting an (artificial) trouser snake during circle. Horsefly Drivebi was (honorably?) recognized for teabagging his own vessel. Mmm, tastes extra malty. At some point the On Sec had to drink and a substitute wrote Fuck Badgers! In the official notebook. Guess they’re not an LSU fan. After a hilarious story like that, it was time to swing low and GTFO.
ON ON ON
The On On On was at Moon Tower Inn, the jewel of east Houston. This caused a great deal of fear and loathing among the assembled rabble, generating hushed conversations debating the quality, speed and cost of service at that location. Lesson learned: get there on time and order early or you will wait until the Astros win 2 in a row.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
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Got a dick and / or balls? Run the PC on Thursday instead of the Ho!
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Road Rally is Saturday. Scavenge and riddle the breadth of Houston.
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Only 17 regos left for the Austin H3 Lake Travis booze cruise, July 20!
THIS WEEK IN HASHTORY
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1984 – Founding of Chittagong, Bangladesh H3
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1999 – Founding of Flagstaff, Arizona H3
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2003 – Will He Peter pens 10,000 word manifesto describing how brevity is wit.
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2012 – H4 is introduced to the whole roast pig.