Here we go, another Sunday, another hash and another promised 2:30 start time, so what’s new? Watching "Finger F***" wander aimlessly around the carpark should have given us some kind of idea what was in store for us, but you know hashers: "Stupid is what stupid does". Seems "F2" was having a hard time coping with her self inflicted hangover obtained from celebrating her "38th" birthday the night before. I have but one question, how many years in a row is a person allowed to celebrate the same birthday? Seems "F2" has got stuck on thirty eight for going on 3 years going now, maybe someone should tell her we’re catching on to her little game.

As I wondered around the carpark I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, "Anus Flytrap" and "Horny Dog" wiping drool from their chins as they eyed the new transferee from Chile "Wee Willy Wanker". Rumor has it that after catching sight of "Wee Willy" they were actually seriously considering doing the run. However, they thought twice when it was pointed out that they could seriously injure themselves if they tripped over their tongues. Both have since signed up for Spanish lessons and learned their first words, MUCHO GRANDE "Wee Willy, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Promptly at 3:10 (that’s as close to 2:30 as you will ever get on a Houston Hash) "Balut" mounted the truck to give the pre-run mumbo jumbo which nobody seemed the least bit interested in. Considering my 2 hour and 40 minute marathon I had experienced the previous week at the camp out I could hardly be intimidated when warned that we were in for a "long and hard" one! This catchy little phrase did however, perk up the ears of "Anus Flytrap" and "Horny Dog" who were still foaming from the mouth as well as other crevices of their anatomy. It was then pointed out that on-on was in the direction of the dead pine trees so on in we went.

Across and through dying grass the pack searched for and found the dead pine tree as well as the first flour. Storming through, the FRB’s soon found themselves off trail. We are quickly called back and it was "on left" through some low lying brush and tree limbs. Perfect hashing for the likes of "Mighty Mouse", "Estrus" and anybody else under three foot tall but back breaking for those of us exceeding that height requirement.

Once we hit the clearing "Pump Me" was hot on my heals and panting like a crazed horse as we headed for the feeder of Beltway 8. This, by the way, was the last I saw of "Pump Me" until around 9:00 p.m., but more on that later. As we ran down the feeder we hit our first check which was broke relatively easy and "on-on" was called left and under the bridge.

Down the opposite side of the feeder a short distance then back left into the bush. More needle grass, more ankle grabbers (trips), and more f***ing midget trail plus a fair amount of thorns. [God I Love Hashing, ain’t it great!] We hit our first barb wire at this point (what’s a hash without it?), up and over to a check. "Prudy Mouth" and "Wee Willy Wanker" found trail to the right and it was on down the fence line. (Has anybody seen "Pump Me"?) On-on a fair ways until it was up and back over the barb wire a second time to yet another feeder along side the Beltway and another check. As I checked right. "On-on" was called left...some things never f***ing change. A long run down to the water check located under the bridge. This is where things started getting "F***ed" up..."Ice the Bastards" .

(Where’s "Pump Me"?)

Running like crazed madmen "Gonad" & "P.P." called "on-on" across the railroad tracks, and off we all went. "Estrus", an FRB wannabe, was going warp speed to catch up with the big boys which he did, only to find himself on the front end of the first false trail, good thing he has a high estrogen level. It was "on back" to the tracks where "on-on" was called to the right. We followed the tracks until we came upon two arrows pointing in different directions where the tracks split. I’ve yet to figure this out as both led to false trails, but who am I to question the hares who did such a magnificent job of f***ing up a perfectly good hash!

At this point "Drummer" Bill went on his soap box to let us know that we should return to the water check...no shit, thanks for that insight on hashing logic "Drummer". While he’s still preaching most of us had already started to make our way back down the tracks to the original check. (By the way, have you seen "Pump Me" anywhere?) The trail, or so we thought, was picked up some 200 yards on down the tracks and eventually turned right, this time into some serious shiggy. Only a handful of us elected to take this route with the rest continuing on down the tracks...

Being that we were now down to only a few you would think we might reconsider our decision, but nooooooooooooo, being the macho hashers we were we never gave it a second thought. (Did "Pump Me" go with them? I haven’t seen her in a while..) Once again we are treated to midget trail (you bastards!) which required me to run with my head between my legs. At this point "Cadaver Diver" , who had been able to sneak up behind me asked if I would, "do the hash words for this week?" Considering the undesirable position I was in "bent over with the likes of "Cadaver Diver" behind me", I didn’t feel that trying to negotiate out of it would be in my best interest so I reluctantly "volunteered". Within a few minutes we were greeted with the "Mother of all Nightmares", we ran head on into the "Geek" coming from the opposite direction. Knowing the way "Geek" runs a hash it never entered our minds that he might be running the trail as it should be and we were doing it backwards so we trudged onwards leaving the "Geekster" to ponder the situation. (Let us know if you see "Pump Me".)

Finding no real cut path to follow through this shiggy we sometimes had to make our own. If "Rear Layer" actually helped lay this bit I would like to know how he managed to get his big ass through it! We finally came out and followed trail, to our surprise, right back at the "F***ING" water check. We promptly made a U-turn (is that legal?) and started a long run back down a grassy stretch until we hit the feeder road of the Beltway once again. Checking both to the right and left, "Sticky Lips", "P.P"., "Wee Willy Wanker", "Cadaver Diver", myself and a few others I can’t seem to recall right now elected to head left. (By the way, is "Pump Me" back there?)

Following the feeder to the intersection it was "on left" again for about a mile until we hit Fallbrook where we picked up trail once again. "Wee Willy" & "Cadaver Diver" elected to follow "Sticky Lips" (can you blame them) into an obvious loop back into the bush (no pun intended), "P.P." and myself held our hormones in tack and continued down Fallbrook to gate 6 where we could smell the beer and "Lazy Worms" fried lice. The others who elected not to do the big loop got stuck on a 35 minute check and didn’t start wondering in until about 30 minutes later.

After standing around for close to an hour (obviously waiting for it to get dark and cold) "Dickhead" finally called for the circle. (I don’t see "Pump Me".) The hares "Finger F***", "Rear Layer" & "Balut" were rightfully given a down-down. To think that it took three of them to f*** up something one could easily of done by themselves. Transferee "Wee Willy" took center stage for his down-down as well as for the pleasure of "Anus Flytrap" and "Horny Dog", Reboots were next and included "Pipes" who I guess had been off running with the boys in Hammersly (By the way where’s "Pump Me"?), "Fed-Ex" & "Two Screws," ...there were others but being that my teeth were chattering at this point I missed their names.

"Finger F**" was then presented with a Chocolate Twinke, complements of "Hooter Bill" (beware of that cream filling), and a birthday down-down. Accusations, accusations, accusations...is it just me or does it seem to be taking longer to get through the accusations than it takes to actually run the f***ing hash? Two stand out in my mind, "Heartache" was accused and voted GUILTY for racing, seems he got pissed off being caught on the wrong end of a false trail after being leader of the pack. The other one was of course "Anus Flytrap" & "Horny Dog" for cat fighting over "Wee Willy", "Well you had dibs on the last one this one’s mine! Goodness ladies, control yourself. A course of "Swing Low" was sung and the circle dispersed.

All of a sudden there seemed to be a great concern about the fact that "Pump Me" was nowhere to be found. I attribute this concern to the fact that it was now dark, cold and the beer had run out. Concerned "Pipes", after refilling his beer, started organizing search parties. Mind you, I was greatly concerned as well so I volunteered to proceed to the ON-ON-ON to set up a search party headquarters; after all, somebody had to do it. I would set in the warmth of the bar, drink cold beer, eat free hot dogs and inform the various search parties when they came it to get their tired ass back out in the cold and look some more because she hadn’t been found.

Good news was finally received, seems "Pump Me" tried to out smart the hares and figured since it was "Finger F***s" birthday, the run would end up at her house. Being the intelligent person she is she ran approximately 10 miles off trail before picking up flour in "F2’s" neighborhood which led her to a Chicago Bears football game party at a house other than "F2’s". Seems "Peter Built" had organized this little get together and marked the way to the house with flour for the Chicago Bear fans!

A good run, on-on, and on-on-on...even "Dickhead" risk coming to the on-on-on where he had once been threatened by the manager that he would kill him if he ever returned. Happy to report "Dickhead" survived the evening with all his body parts still in tack.

"BALD EAGLE"

ps: If I have offended anyone please let me know, it would be nice to know that my time and effort was worth something...on-on