"Drummer" Bill’s Malaysian Hash...Yuk, Yuk, Yuk |
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. THE VERDICT IS IN: After reviewing hours upon hours of tape from "Drummer" Bills hash last Sunday the National Association of Hashing (NAH) has handed down its stiffest fine in Hashing history. They evidently have decided that this Madness to hashing has got to stop! Effective immediately... "Drummer" also known as "Hooter" Bill has been suspended for 18 hashes, fined 1.7 million dollars and must seek Psychiatric help before being granted his return to hashing. In comparison, Dennis Rodman’s 11 game suspension and 1.2 million dollar fine for kicking a Photographer in the "nuts" seems like peanuts (no pun intended). This means the earliest "Hooter" will be allowed to return to the hashing community will be June 1st causing him to miss such big events as the upcoming Pooper Bowl and Winterfest, not to mention "Bald Eagle’s" Valentine’s hash. Neither "Hooter" Bill or his agent have been available for comment..... For those of you who were smart enough to stay away from this run let me recap the events leading up to the suspension... THE START...FUCKED UP! Scheduled for 2:30 but, of course, didn’t start until a little past 3:00. Read my lips people, don’t tell me 2:30 if you have no intention of starting until 3:00 or after! Hell, I could have watched thirty more minutes of the BULLS - ROCKETS game. Hind sight now tells me I would have been better off staying home and watching the whole game, it would have been more interesting. By the way "Hooter" why weren’t you there to start your own hash? While sitting at One’s A Meal that morning deciding where to lay trail you must have decided it would be best to leave this task up to your virgin Co-Hare, Shawn. This way you wouldn’t have to show your face and take the heat. Just for your information "Hooter" Shawn did an excellent job, may I quote..."THE MARKS ARE THE NORMAL MARKS AND THE FIRST MARK IS THAT WAY", that a’boy Shawn, you’ll be haring your own hash pretty soon. THE RUN...1/2 OKAY - 1/2 FUCKED UP! Off we went like a mad pack of dogs and I do mean dogs. Have you noticed lately that we are starting to get as many four legged dogs on the hash as we do two legged ones. Of course deciphering between the two can at times be difficult. I particularly liked the way the Doberman was looking down at the Poodle as if to say "You’re mine Bitch!" Gee, maybe "Hooter" missed his chance, the Doberman looked horny enough to take on anybody! The trail lead us directly to the Park Police Station where we found our first check cleverly placed behind the squad car. From here it was On-On down the road that paralleled the golf course which lead to the second check of the day. This was probably as close as the pack would be for the rest of the day and we were only five minutes into the hash. On-On was called heading north down the creek bed with some electing to run down the golf course yelling ON-ON and ARE YOU. There seemed to be confusion on the golfers faces as they tried to figure out this new golfing terminology. We followed trail here all the way down the creekbed back to the beltway where we found check number three. If the hash wasn’t spread out by this point it was soon to be as the trail picked up on the other side of the beltway under the bridge. Things started to get a bit screwy here as there seemed to be two trails. One trail continued down the path, the other branched off right which is the one I took. Still, things were going pretty good and the trail had been fairly nice. The two trails eventually met up and we were back to a pack again. However, the pack only consisted of about ten of us, the rest of the hash was nowhere to be found. Poor soles; I guess the last check got them. From here we crossed our first barbed wire of the day ignoring the no trespassing signs; there would be more of these to come. As we plowed our way through the mud and water we were careful to avoid the abundance of cow shit. We continued through this field for quite a distance before surfacing at the Landfill. It’s here that we were instructed that we were trespassing (what’s new- we had been all day) and that the Police had been called. This being the case we scattered, some heading to the road and the rest of us following trail which had been picked up by "Pitts" through the heart of the dump sight. Our pack was now down to about seven or eight and lead by the likes of "Roller Balls", "Purtty Mouth", "Sticky Lips", "Pump Me" and a few others which names seem to escape me right now (notice I didn’t forget which girls were with us). Once we made it out of the dump we hit an asphalt road and yet another check. This one was broke easy and On-On was called straight up the road. We experienced a brief hassle here from a "REDNECK" in his Pickem-up-Truck. I don’t think "Sticky Lips" helped things any by banging her fist on his window as she ran past his truck, you know how they love their trucks! Speaking of Rednecks here’s a few: "If you slow dance at Denny’s"...You might be a Redneck, "If you keep a can of raid at the kitchen table"...You might be a Redneck, "If you haven’t cum with the help of a woman, in over 20 years,"...You might be "Hooter" Bill. I digress... Upon hitting the next check the smart ones (if there is such a thing on the hash) kept heading straight ahead while the likes of "Roller Balls" and myself decided to check the alternate route. They were right and we were wrong so we found ourselves making a detour through a Jewish Cemetery trying to catch up to the pack. Apologies to the poor soul out there paying his respects to his loved one, On-On. As we come up to a locked gate surrounded by no trespassing signs we see a water check. This would have been a good ending place for this hash but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, "Hooter" BILL couldn’t quit while he was ahead. Trail up to this point had not been too bad, some even good, and, time wise, it was just about right. But, it was not to be...on with hash number two of the day. HASH NUMBER TWO...FUCKED UP BEYOND REPAIR! On-On was up and over the padlocked gate. Gee, I wonder why they would put a locked gate here, surely it wasn’t to keep hashers out. This took us through another cow pasture. Not easy running here as the field was full of ruts, holes, mud, water and lets not forget the cow shit. After all what would a cow pasture be without cow shit, or as our dear "Heartache" would say cow shite. This was BORING, BORING, BORING, over a mile of this crap. Not only was it hell on my knees running through this field dodging the ruts, mud and shit I had to stop and pick up the trash you left behind "Hooter". One bog roll, one empty flour sack and one plastic bag to be exact. I suppose your philosophy on this is that if your going to trespass on somebody’s property why not litter it as well, not cool dude. THE END...FUCKED UP! On across a couple more barbed fences to the bayou. After taking the plunge across the bayou it was over yet another barbed fence and down the bank- On home. An hour and thirty five minutes on trail for the FRB’s and our reward is no beer at the end! The beer would not find its way there for another twenty minutes or so. Please explain how you can have three people responsible (notice, I didn’t say three responsible people) for one hash and not be able to have the shag wagon with the beer and bags at the end within an hour and a half? I already mentioned the FRB’s got back in an hour thirty five, well the last one made it back in three hours. I have always been under the impression that the hare should try to get everyone back within 15 or 20 minutes of each other... Congratulations "Hooter," you probably single handily assured that none of the new boots ever come back to the hash again! The icing was well deserved, I’m sure the people who couldn’t get their cars out of the park by 7:00 and had them locked in over night would agree. THE On-On-On: Good On-On-On and although the free round of drinks bought by the hare and his co-hares was appreciated, I’m afraid it wasn’t enough to make us forget this run! On-On, |
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