The St. Valentine's Day Hash

Sunday, February 16, 1997

Hares: Bald Eagle, Vicker Licker, Smelly Trench, Great Kahuna, and Lazy Worm

The Run:

Bald Eagle climbed onto the back of someone's truck at 3 p.m. and described the standard trail markings. About the only thing unusual were the big red hearts which were meant to be checks- and balloons and stuff scattered along the trail. At 3:01 we were off; much to the astonishment of "Hashers cum lately" who were still arriving- not to mention those who got there at the usual dumb-ass start time of 3:30. Ha-ha-ha!

Most of the pack headed for the Addicks Reservoir but I had to go just the opposite direction. I don't know why; it's just a Hash thing... Anyway, the hares managed to fool us all by having the trail go through a wooded lot and into major shiggy directly across from the parking garage where we started. Those who went towards the reservoir split into two groups that went North on Hi-way 6 or who came back from the road shoulder to find the true trail in the wooded lot. Slum Bag, who I saw for a few moments at this point, decided to follow trail while I ran down to the end of the loooonggg cul-de-sac hoping to pick up trail under the just barely visible power lines in the distance. My short cut really didn't work out too well but, the Hash Gods, as Grind Slut often says, were "merciful."

After bleeding me for twenty minutes in a variety of truly nasty shiggy, the Hash Gods finally let me find a path, then true trail, and then to actually get in front of someone- I think it was the group that started after the first group left the garage... but what did I care? At least I had a trial to follow! Through all the previous shig (you really don't want to hear all the details) I'd kept my whistle (how else to identify the body?) so I began blowing the damn thing and actually passed Jay Crowe (where's she been?) and Finger F*** before we all hit a big check at the exit of this big shiggy infested acreage we'd all been slogging through.

Coming from the wood I saw a big pink heart-shaped check and a park across the road where The Pitts, Keezer, Cocker, Hooter, and at least a two dozen Hashers were searching in all directions for the next mark. All bets were tried but we came back to the Check after finding only false trails or no trail. Exploring the shiggy side of things again proved pointless. So, after much milling about, everyone picked a direction they hadn't done before and "checking" continued.

I don't know who finally solved this but it took the efforts of probably half a dozen people to find true trail past an "F" and on-on down Buffalo Bayou (yeah, that's what it looks like West of town) and all the way to a water check at Wilcrest. The water check past the "tunnel of love" was easy to solve and trail continued down the bike paths on the South side of the bayou to some park, past the lake, around the water district tanks, across yet another muddy field, and another, and then to one more bit of shiggy before a well chosen On-On at the end of a housing development. People came in from several directions but the bulk of the pack showed up within 20 minutes of one another and this included many people who started late.

The trail was a bit long (the hares said 4.5 miles of trail) and a bit too straight in some places but it was generally very well marked and easy to follow- although a bit of a "booger" to do on your own. All in all, probably a 95 out of 100 possible points; an "A" for effort and performance. And, Vicker Licker, sorry, Bud, but this is a close to Malaysian Jungle as we get here locally unless you want to hare next time somewhere along the San Jacinto River; check with John Boy...

The On-On:

The good times continued with a keg of beer and 10 gallons of home brew; thanks, Yeastie Boy. While the co-hares were working on a Far East feast and the R.A., Dickhead, warmed up the crowd, someone among the hares had the very good sense to scamper off to the store for additional canned beer and ice. Good job there hares and bonus points for keeping the fun going! Dickhead did a wonderful turn at down-downs doing all the usual hare down-downs and stuff in addition to awarding The Pitts and Pump Me the coveted "best dressed at the Valentine's Day Hash" awards. Pump Me's outfit being... Well.., forget it; you shoulda been there! Anyway, the circle then moved to the "accusations phase" of the entertainment.

Accusations moved right along; many were made and all were warmly received as a free beer went with each successful persecution. Will He Peter and Two Screws received several nominations for what must have been some incredible mud-wrestling on trail. Geek was able to get through a successful accusation of The Pitts for new shoes but Pipes nearly extinguished himself in the circle when he managed to mangle an accusation so badly he got renamed, "Shut the Fuck Up, Pipes!" Truly a remarkable feat considering he'd had the shorter version, "Pipes" for over a decade. Oh, well, looks like that tatoo on his butt is going to have to have a few words added as a preamble.

Accusation ended as soon as the food was ready; and, great food it was. I don't know what it was except to say that it was very good, spicy, and seemed to be mostly several different kinds of rice dishes with curry, various veggies, spicy beans and noodles, special bread, and some kind of meat on little wooden sticks which the Great Kahuna took great care to prepare and cook to perfection. Whatever it was it was great stuff and there was lots of it. Thanks to all for the great feast!

The On-On-On:

The On-On-On was at Peck's bar very near the start. The place was big, warm, and crowded with Hashers and most of us hung around for hours sampling the wares and rehashing the run. As I left, the DJ/guitar player was calling Boy George to come up to the stage and warm up the crowd before launching into his promised "set" of "live entertainment." Considering how well things had gone all day at the Hash I figured I'd probably had all the fun the law allowed and headed home to tend to all the cuts and scrapes.

It was a great day at the Hash; a great day to be a Hasher.

On-On,

PT