OUR FIRST MONDAY NIGHT RUN OF THE YEAR, I THINK...OR DID I MISS ONE WHILE WONDERING AROUND THE JUNGLES OF BORNEO?" I CAN SEE THIS HASHING ON MONDAY IS GOING TO TAKE SOME GETTING USED TO. FIRST OF ALL I’ M USED TO BEING HUNG OVER ON MONDAYS, NOT TUESDAYS. SECOND, GOT TO RUSH OUT OF WORK AND FIGHT TRAFFIC HOME TO CHANGE AND PICK UP "LAZY WORM". THIRD, GOT TO FIGHT MORE RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC TO GET TO THE RUN SITE. MAN, I NEED A BEER ALL READY!

 I KNOW MY OPINION ISN’T WORTH THE PAPER THIS IS WRITTEN ON TO YOU LOT BUT I’M GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU ANYWAY...HARES STAY WITH SUNDAY’S AND START THE RUN LATER! THERE I’ VE SAID IT, THE ASSHOLE FROM MALAYSIA TRYING TO CHANGE HOUSTON HASHING TRADITION AGAIN. SEE THAT’S WHAT’S NICE ABOUT WRITING THE HASH TRASH, YOU CAN SAY ANYTHING YOU FUCKING WANT.

 THIS LEADS TO A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO PASS ALONG A BIT OF WORD ABOUT YOUR NEW ON-SECS AND THE HASH TRASH. YOUR NEW ON-SECS WILL DO THEIR BEST TO ENTERTAIN YOU WITH GOOD TRASH TO READ WHILE YOUR STANDING AROUND WAITING FOR THE RUNS TO START (AND GOD KNOWS WE HAVE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT) BUT WE CAN’ T DO IT ALL OURSELVES. ALTHOUGH WE WILL BE DOING OUR SHARE OF WRITE-UPS WE WILL ALSO BE ASKING YOU TO ALSO CONTRIBUTE A HASH TRASH NOW AND THEN. PLEASE HELP US OUT BY AGREEING TO DO A TRASH WHEN WE ASK, WE PROMISE NOT TO ABUSE THE FAVOR.

 AS YOU CAN SEE I HAVE CREATED A NEW LOOK TO YOUR HASH TRASH, IF YOU LIKE IT PLEASE SUPPORT US BY HELPING US OUT BY LENDING YOUR WRITING SKILLS ONCE IN A WHILE. THIS WILL GIVE US THE ADDITIONAL TIME REQUIRED TO MAINTAIN THIS STANDARD, OR MAYBE EVEN BETTER IT! IF "MANHANDLER" OR MYSELF ASK YOU TO WRITE UP A RUN JUST REMEMBER, IT’S EASIER TO SAY YES THAN TO TRY TO THINK OF 10 REASONS ON THE SPOT WHY YOU CAN’ T DO IT, PLUS IT MIGHT SAVE YOU A DOWN-DOWN OR TWO. YOU CAN SUBMIT IT TO ME IN ANY WAY, FASHION OR FORM I.E. HANDWRITTEN, TYPED, EMAILED, FAXED, ON THE BACK OF A NAPKIN, IN INK, IN CRAYON, ETC.. I WILL TYPE, FORMAT, REFORMAT OR WHAT EVER IT TAKES. I WILL ALSO TAKE CARE OF THE PRINTING AND DISTRIBUTION SO ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WRITE IT. OKAY ENOUGH SAID ON THAT SUBJECT, ON TO THE RUN.

 ADVERTISED TO BE A 7:00 O’CLOCK START "COCK RING" FINALLY TOOK THE HELM AT 7:30 WITH A FUNNY LOOKING INSTRUMENT IN HIS HAND WHICH HE USED TO SET THE FIRST CHECK WHICH JUST HAPPENED TO BE BETWEEN HIS LEGS (WHAT A DISGUSTING THOUGHT). SO OFF WE WENT IN SEARCH OF TRAIL WHICH WAS QUICKLY PICKED UP OR SO WE THOUGHT DOWN THE ROAD BEHIND THE AMC THEATER. WE SOON HIT A BACK CHECK SO IT WAS ON BACK THE WAY WE CAME. VERY CLEVER HARES AS THIS GAVE THE REALLY LATE ARRIVALS EVEN MORE TIME TO JUMP INTO THE PACK. TRAIL WAS PICKED UP BY SOME OF THOSE FRONT RUNNING BASTARDS AND LIKE MICE FOLLOWING THE PIED PIPER WE ALL TAGGED ALONG. CROSSING A SMALL RAVINE AND DOWN THE OTHER SIDE WE WERE DOING GOOD UNTIL SOMEBODY YELLED FALSE TRAIL. THIS GAVE AMPLE TIME FOR REBOOTS AND OLD BOOTS TO CATCH UP ON OLD NEWS AS IT TOOK A HELL OF A LONG TIME TO FIND TRAIL AGAIN. DON’T KNOW WHO SHOUTED FALSE TRAIL BUT WE EVENTUALLY FOUND A CHECK WHERE THE FALSE TRAIL MARK WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. WHO WAS THAT MASKED FRB THAT LED US ASTRAY, WHAT A BASTARD! FROM HERE WE TOOK OFF TOWARDS BRAES BAYOU AND DOWN THE RUNNING TRACK WE WENT. BY THIS TIME THE PACK WAS STARTING TO GET SPREAD OUT AND THE FRB’S WERE SPOTTED ON THE OTHER SIDE OF BRAES BAYOU. CHOICES, (1) RUN A HALF KILOMETER DOWN TO THE STREET CROSSING THEN A HALF KILOMETER BACK OR SHOOT STRAIGHT ACROSS THE BAYOU. "BOY GEORGE" , MYSELF AND A SELECT OTHER FEW TOOK TO THE WATERS OF THE BAYOU. THE REST OF THE HASH FROM HERE WAS A ZIGZAG THROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD STREETS AND SIDEWALKS, PERFECT HASHING FOR THE LIKES OF "HEARTACHE" WHO WAS MOTOR HASHING AROUND THE TRAIL ON HIS MOUNTAIN BIKE. COME TO THINK OF IT WE COULD HAVE ALL DONE THIS TRAIL VIA BIKE MINUS THE SHORTCUT THROUGH THE BAYOU OF COURSE. IT WAS A SPRINT THE LAST 0 METERS TO THE BEER AND SPAGHETTI NICELY SET IN A LITTLE PARK COMPLETE WITH DUCK POND.

FOR ME THIS RUN WAS A BIT BORING BEING THAT IT HAD SO MUCH CONCRETE INVOLVED HOWEVER, I COMMEND THE HARES FOR GETTING THE RUNNERS BACK WITHIN A REASONABLE TIME OF EACH OTHER. THERE WERE MORE THAN A FEW HASHERS WITH BEER IN HAND BY THE TIME I GOT BACK THAT I HAD PASSED AND LEFT BEHIND 30 MINUTES BEFORE. AN "A+" AS WELL FOR HAVING REAL FOOD AT THE END, HOW NICE THIS WAS FROM THE USUAL TORTILLA, BANANA, PEANUT BUTTER, AND SALSA SANDWICHES.

"SLUMBAG" DID A GOOD JOB IN HER FIRST HASH AS R.A.. LOTS OF REBOOTS RESURFACED FOR THIS REBOOT RUN AND QUITE A FEW VISITORS WERE ON HAND TO PARTAKE IN MULTIPLE DOWN-DOWNS. THE NEW R.A. WAS LUCKY OR UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO GET HER FAIR SHARE OF DOWN-DOWNS AS WELL. OTHER THAN GETTING LOST COMING BACK FROM A CAR RUN I HAD A MOST ENJOYABLE TIME, THANKS "COCK RING" FOR STICKING AROUND WITH MY GUEST UNTIL I FOUND MY WAY BACK AND SHAME ON YOU "DICKLESS TRACY" FOR WANTING TO LEAVE THEM STRANDED…DESERVES A DOWN-DOWN IN MY BOOK.

 QUITE A FEW SHOWED UP AT THE ON-ON-ON WITH BUCKETS OF BEER FOR ONLY $8.00. PLENTY OF ENTERTAINMENT AS WELL. "ESTRUS" WALKED IN THE LADIES TOILET WHILE "LAZY WORM" WAS ZIPPING UP, LATER IN THE EVENING I ALSO VISITED THE LADIES ROOM NOT KNOWING IT. THE TOPPER HOWEVER GOES TO "BOY GEORGE" WHO FELT IT NECESSARY TO SHOW "BAD NEWS" WIFE AND "LAZY WORM" HOW HE COULD SQUEEZE HIS BALLS IN A TIGHT WAD UNTIL THE BLOOD VESSELS POPPED OUT.

 THANKS "LETCH" AND "COCK RING" FOR A JOB WELL DONE!

ON-ON

A MISSIONARY WAS SENT INTO DEEPEST, DARKEST AFRICA AND WENT TO LIVE WITH A REMOTE TRIBE WHO HAD NEVER SEEN A WHITE MAN BEFORE. HE SPENT YEARS WITH THESE PEOPLE, TEACHING THEM TO READ, TO WRITE, AND ALL ABOUT THE GOOD CHRISTIAN WAYS OF THE WHITE MAN. ONE THING HE PARTICULARLY STRESSED WAS THE EVILS OF SEXUAL SIN. "THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY OR FORNICATION!"

ONE DAY, THE WIFE OF ONE OF THE TRIBE’S NOBLEMEN GAVE BIRTH TO A WHITE CHILD. THE VILLAGE WAS SHOCKED AND SENT THE CHIEF TO TALK TO THE MISSIONARY.

"YOU HAVE TAUGHT US OF THE EVILS OF SEXUAL SIN, YET A BLACK WOMAN JUST GAVE BIRTH TO A WHITE CHILD. YOU ARE THE ONLY WHITE MAN THAT HAS EVER SET FOOT IN OUR VILLAGE. IT DOESN’T TAKE A GENIUS TO WORK OUT WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON!"

"NO, NO, MY GOOD MAN," REPLIED THE MISSIONARY. "YOU ARE MISTAKEN. WHAT YOU HAVE HERE IS A NATURAL OCCURRENCE-WHAT IS CALLED AN ALBINO. LOOK TO THY YONDER FIELD. SEE THE FIELD OF WHITE SHEEP? YET, AMONG THEM IS ONE BLACK ONE. NATURE DOES THIS ON OCCASION."

THE CHIEF PAUSES FOR A MOMENT, THEN SAYS, "TELL YOU WHAT. YOU DON’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE SHEEP, AND I WON’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE WHITE CHILD!"

"I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE KID AGAIN."

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLISH WOMEN WHO MESSED UP HER TWO CHANCES TO GET PREGNANT...

SHE BLEW’EM BOTH!

ALSO KNOW AS: WHAT A GAL, PRECIOUS, ONE OF THE BOYS, MY MAIN SQUEEZE, DOORMAT.

ADVANTAGES: CHEERFUL, AGREEABLE, KINDLY

DISADVANTAGES: MAY WISE UP SOMEDAY!

OLD YELLER: "YOU G-D SPINELESS GOOD-FOR-NOTHING DRAG-ASS NO-TALENT SON OF A BITCH!"

ALSO KNOWN AS: SHE-DEVIL, SOURPUSS, THE NAG, MY OLD LADY, WARTHOG FROM HELL.

ADVANTAGES: PAYS ATTENTION TO YOU.

DISADVANTAGES: SCREECHES, THROWS FRYING PANS.

SICKLY: "OH, MY HEAD, MY FEET, MY CRAMPS, MY CELLULITE."

ALSO KNOWN AS: WHINER, MEWLER, GRUMPY

ADVANTAGES: PREDICTABLE

DISADVANTAGES: CONTAGIOUS

THE BOSSER: " STAND UP STRAIGHT. PUT ON A DIFFERENT TIE. GET A HAIRCUT. CHANGE YOUR JOB, MAKE SOME MONEY. DON’T GIVE ME THAT LOOK."

ALSO KNOWN AS: WHIPCRACKER, THE SARGE, MS. KNOW-IT-ALL, BALL AND CHAIN.

ADVANTAGES: OFTEN RIGHT

DISADVANTAGES: OFTEN RIGHT, BUT SO WHAT?

HUFFY: "I SEE NOTHING HUMOROUS IN THOSE SILLY CARTOONS YOU KEEP SNICKERING AT."

ALSO KNOWN AS: NO FUN, COLD FISH, CHILLY PROPOSITION, ICEBERG, SNARLY.

ADVANTAGES: YOUR FRIENDS WILL FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.

DISADVANTAGES: YOU WILL HAVE NO FRIENDS!

WILD WOMAN OUT OF CONTROL: "I’VE GOT AN IDEAL, LEZ GET DRUNK AN’ MAKE LOVE ONNA THE FRONT LAWN, I’VE DONE IT BEFORE, SUCH FUN.

ALSO KNOWN AS: FAST GIRL, FREEWHEELER, GOODTIME CHARLEENA, PASSED OUT.

ADVANTAGES: MORE FUN THAN A BARREL OF MONKEYS.

DISADVANTAGES: UNRELIABLE; DRIVES OFF CLIFFS.

MS. DREAMGIRL: "I AM UTTERLY CONTENT WITH YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, MY HANDSOME GENIUS OF A BOYFRIEND. I THINK WE MUST MAKE LOVE LIKE CRAZED WEASELS RIGHT NOW.

ALSO KNOWN AS: MS. RIGHT, GODDESS, KNOCKOUT, PERFECTION, GORGEOUS.

ADVANTAGES: FUNNY, INTELLIGENT, UNINHIBITED.

DISADVANTAGES: WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

THIS WEEKS RECOMMENDATION IS THE ULTIMATE BACON CHEESEBURGER FROM JACK IN THE BOX.

THE BLUEPRINT: TWO QUARTER-POUND BEEF PATTIES, EIGHT SLICES OF BACON, THREE SLICES OF CHEESE AND A BIG GLOP OF MAYONNAISE ON A SESAME-SEED BUN.

CALORIES: 1,100 CALORIES, WITH A SPECTACULAR 84 FAT GRAMS!

REVIEW: PRETTY TERRIFIC, REAL CHEESY, AND INDEED JUICY AND DRIPPY, YOU MAY WANT TO HAVE A BATH TOWEL HANDY TO COVER YOURSELF. THE THREE SLICES OF CHEESE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. ONE IS CLEARLY SWISS, ONE IS AMERICAN AND THE OTHER IS ANYBODY’S GUESS. WHEN YOUR TALKING 1,100 CALORIES AND 84 GRAMS OF FAT, DOES IT REALLY MATTER WHAT THE THIRD CHEESE IS?

PRICE: NO BARGAIN, AN ULTIMATE BACON CHEESEBURGER (PLUS A SMALL DIET COKE, NATURALLY) WILL RUN YOU APPROXIMATELY $4.00.