This years passing of the Pooper Bowl was hared by a particularly weak lineup. Manhandler, all around wuss, Cums Daily, token female chosen to satisfy the Hash’s affirmative action initiative, and Small Johnson, provide your own disparaging remark here. The starting location was an office park on Kirby Drive just south of the Loop. The hares arrived at the start of the run shortly after the announced 2pm start time. And there, in the back of the king cab monster truck lay the coveted Pooper Bowl. Small Johnson’s addition for this year, a Texas A&M ass flogger. According to Small and Manhandler these are distributed to all freshman corps members who must use them for spankin’ each other in the group showers. I’m sure it was hard for Small to give his up.

The hares assumed the position on the back of the truck and did the usual dispensing of pre-trail instructions. The trail would be marked in flour and toilet paper. There was some kind of confusing algorithm for distinguishing toilet paper checks and falses. Always a bad idea to rely on a hasher’s ability to count. There would also be special checks marked with a V. I never quite figured this one out. Cums Daily promised an un-(wo)manned beer/water check.

With that done, the pack was off. The trail headed south down some railroad tracks, and into some nasty shiggy. The trail was surrounded on all sides by thick thorn vines. Not the ones you can easily break through, but the thick and dried out crown of thorns variety. I managed to get pretty cut up while trying to maintain my lead over Gonad, who kept “accidentally” brushing up against my buttocks. Eventually, we were dumped out onto a pipeline right-of-way which the trail followed to the west and which never seemed to end. We hit a road and trail turned back to the East for another long straight-away. This stretch was marked with a beer check arrow, but the hares had hidden the beer on the side of the road and I never saw it. Cock Ring was seen taking a swig from the beer jug and yelling “I am the Lizard King!” I’m disappointed that I missed the section of trail following the beer check, because supposedly there was a dead dog in a clear plastic bag. According to Grind Slut, it was seething with maggots. cool. I’m just disappointed that some hasher didn’t drag it to the On Home which was right around the corner on Almeda road behind some oil tanks. Baby Huey finish time 30:31:03.

The On Home featured the usual assortment of hash food and, of course, beer. There was a buzz in the air as all of the hashers looked at those around them and wondered who would be the lucky recipient of the Pooper Bowl. Down Downs were proctored by The. There were several new boots and transfers. Unfortunately this was after a few beers, so I don’t remember who they were. Charlie was officially named Mud Packer for getting his truck stuck in the mud, although I’m sure he deserved the name for other less savory reasons. The newly named Mud Packer also drank a down down from his shiny new shoes which were filled to the brim by the tea bag method (beer filtered through a muddy sock). And then, it was time for the passing of the pooper bowl. I probably should have written this part first, since I’m sick of writing and probably won’t give this momentous occasion the attention it deserves. Small Johnson roller the pooper bowl into the center of the circle and started a lengthy account of the its history. Of course, being Small Johnson, he was unable to pull this off (even with the aid of notes) without several fuck-ups so ended up doing three or four down downs. He then called out 8 hashers (4 male, 4 female) who were on his short list of Pooper Bowl recipients: Silent Pee, Slick 50, Finger Fuck, Molester, Sperminator, Estrus, John Boy and Smelly Trench. After introducing the candidates he called on the hash to pick a recipient by a show of applause. And when it was all done he picked Stop and Blow. Good one Small. Stop and Blow was dragged into the circle and placed on the Pooper Bowl throne. All of the candidates put on surgical gowns and so it started. This years theme: A good old fashioned barbecue. The goggled Stop and Blow was anointed with pickles, barbecue sauce, beans, chili and to top it all off a whole canned chicken. Pipes was seen eating from S&B’s ample cleavage. And then it was over.

I was unable to attend the On On On. I can only hope that what follows will make up for my lack of commentary on that subject.

Here is the second installment of the Tuna Helper Beef Stick Review. Although Tuna Helper has gone on to hashes elsewhere, his legacy lives on. This review was dug up from the Baby Huey archives (found under my car seat). The idea of the beef stick review is this: At the On On On, a beef stick (or any single serving meat like snack food) is purchased and sampled by hashers who then each provide a capsule review. In this way other hashers can be more informed when purchasing beef snacks. This week’s review occurred sometime in the last two years at an unnamed north side bar. Up for review: Jack Link’s Hot Kippered Beefsteak (net wt. 1oz.). Baby Huey - “Chewy & Spicy, I liked it”. Manholer - “Not so hot, but you can feel the pepper”. Hog Straddler - “Tender, tasty, very nice peppery flavor; Thumbs Up!” Seaman - “I don’t like the texture”. Gonad the Barbarian - “It’s not an extrusion beefstick forced from a tube, giving it no snap”. Keezer the Sleezer - “Bouquet moderately raunchy, firm presentation”. Period Piece - “Coarse, sweet taste to it, good and meaty”. Pump Me - “Dry, fibrous, fullfilling”. And finally, Geek - “Chewy, No Flavor, No Spicy”.