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Did we ever tell you that we hate your f@*king face? Well if we didn’t, we’re telling you now!

(No, but seriously, we will miss you VFP! Come back to visit!)

Vote for Pedro...to get off our island!

Reverse Cowboy finally gets defloured.

Quote of the run: “Heartache did not short cut! He zen-hashed the trail!” –Heartache

Freezing. Of all the runs I can remember, this first Sunday of 2011 was a cold one. Indeed, the hares warned of a chilly ending, but not an @$$ freezer! Tai Tai Toy promised to sacrifice Mud and Ramrod to the hash gods “Shanghai Style” which brought out over 80 people in pure curiosity. They promised a 4-5 mile trail of urban and mixed shiggy and some holy guacamole a la CSI. We began at the Full Moon parking lot, and took a little trip into the Memorial wilderness. Hounds off at 2:30 sharp!

Now, dear hashers, your reverent and endearing On-Sec was running a wide version of the Memorial Loop earlier in the day while training for the Houston Marathon (what a rac*st), and found, what looked to be flour. Let me recount the tale…

So there I was, on pavement, running in the frigid morning, and while heading east on Woodway, a white speck called to me. It said, whispering delicately into my ear, “On-on.” But no! The hares wouldn’t dare lay a trail so close to the road and so visible would they? Upon further inspection, it was indeed (a.k.a tasted like) flour. I followed the trail from the bike path off Woodway, into the shiggy which crossed under the road. We’d been on those trails before, no need to follow further. I continued my run, secure in the knowledge that not only had I outwitted the hares, but I could immediately run to this location after the start.

Flash back to the Full Moon lot where we shivered and shook to keep warm. I, safe in the knowledge of my discovery, let McPisser and a few others know that I had found the holy grail of hash trails – the pre-lay. McPisser, hesitant to believe me, originally decided to run a different direction, but upon seeing the hounds get stumped at the first check, he followed. Low and behold the trail appeared, shortcutting the first check and re-appearing in the woods. Ta-freaking-dah!

Unfortunately, after that delicious discovery, I lost McPisser in the woods and somehow turned around to face the oncoming hounds. PP almost ran me off the trail. So much for the head start. That’s what I get for cheating. We paralleled the shiggy, a few virgins decided to ace forward and show off, and soon hopped up and over the train tracks (*see Festivus post about these tracks). Emerging from the shiggy and onto an urban trail, we let the FRB’s solve checks until…the check from hell.

This check was fenced in around several abandoned lots north of I-10, some with shiggy surrounding, some with fences. It felt like hours at that check, going back and forth, under the highway, into the shiggy, avoiding pitbulls in the distance. Finally someone called into the shiggy and the group sprung forth, ready for new blood.

The remainder of the trail was mostly urban, full of warehouses, abandoned buildings, and unpleasant looking neighbors. After the beer check, I distinctly remember Pearl Necklace almost eating it, and watching as the FRBs zoom by, as they favor the concrete over shiggy. We eventually encountered a narrow and nearly abandoned railroad area. This long channel was under construction and a bit rocky at times, but we could see the end in the distance. The On-In was under 290 near Hempstead Highway and, while there was beer, we had to wait for awhile for the second load of bags. In the freezing meantime, we congratulated Tai Tai on his virgin achievement as the trail was fun and the FRBs zenned for several extra miles.

I think someone was named…but I digress. Semper Pi was visiting our lovely hash from San Antonio and rumor has it, he stole the Hash Shit. That’s right, I’m outing him! Thief! Bring out your torches! Overall a good run and much fun deflouring 2 virgins at once.

Here is the picture of the thief. Do what you will.

Murderer.

On-On to the witch hunt,
-EZ to Please

Feats of strength! Airing of grievances! The aluminum pole! Such is the Festivus tradition brought to you yearly (and frequently by Grind Slut). This year, your hares suckered another nubile female virgin into their religious zeal. This was an apparent attempt to deflour Charity Fuck. Last year it was Circle Jerk. My how they move on quick! The hares promised a 4 mile run, the pinning of the heads (who said head?!), and other acrobatic amusement…little did they know…Festivus would take a turn for the long.

The trail began in Memorial Park, as most good things do, with a swoop around the Fruit Loop and into oncoming cyclist traffic. We passed near the ending of last year’s Festivus run, shed a tear for when we tied I Am Cumstain to the pole, and moved along, skimming Memorial before touching along Hooter Bill’s favorite shiggy. You know the one patch of shiggy by Arnot? The one so frequently used, we stopped leaving money for it on the dresser? The patch of shiggy who is so battered, we keep telling her we don’t mean it and that we just get so angry sometimes?  That one. Needless to say, the shiggy forgave us once more and we trailed along the road instead until heading towards the highway. A breeze washed over us on Washington, and the faint smell of Sunday afternoon douchebags wafted on the air. It smelled faintly of old pickles and Axe body spray. Good times.
Attack of the train tracks! From nowhere appeared a rogue train track meant to wreak havoc on tender ankles and FRBs. Instead of following the tracks directly (which we obviously should have done), the hounds commenced a stair step along the side of the tracks, paralleling then running perpendicular to our intended target. A few hashers got the chance to see FRBs ahead and shortcut the stair step, narrowly avoiding the extra potential mile in what was to be a “4 mile run”. Lies!

A bit of a jumble around Katy Road and Washington, and the hounds once more were confronted with the smell of old pickles and douchebags…but this time it was on the wrong side of Washington, and the smell most likely was emanating from a garbage can of old pickles and douchebags. An FRB hailed “On-on!” across, you guessed it, MORE railroad tracks. More of our favorite railroad tracks. These tracks are the sister to our beaten and abused shiggy patch by Arnot. These train tracks have seen more hashers on top of them than every bed at the Chicken Ranch. Those train tracks are more well-worn than the Slut Mobile. In fact, those train tracks stopped fighting long ago and just let it happen. We gave them a good pounding before crossing back over behind the Memorial Loop.

And next on the list of ways we’ve slowly choked the life from Memorial Park, on-on to the golf course! To annoy golfers and confuse them in their shallow games and glasses of whiskey. Darting back and forth, we weaved around carts, stole golf balls, mimicked their silly plaid pants, and ran a charge straight into the bar area. It was unheard of, but created from pure rage inside our hearts. Festivus is about letting those you love know how much they irk you. And every hasher hates golfers.

We circled a short distance from the highway near a nice patch of shiggy and around 5 miles total. I told you the hares lie; your trusty On-Sec would never lie like that*. In circle, the first order was to deflour sweet Charity Fuck, tousle her mousy brown hair, and send her reeling in a flour caked frenzy. It was only then that she became a true hasher. The pole was brought out, beer was consumed, and leg wrestling took place. There was an unusual amount of new boots at Festivus, and each partook in the miracles of the season by sampling the fare and drink with ease. A little too much ease. We’re watching you. At least, and for the sake of all who attended, Dangleberry did not get naked this year though he appeared close to doing so. It may have well been the last hare for our beloved Grind Slut, and a fine hare indeed. If any problems truly arose from this magical occasion, I blame them solely on Ass Wipe.

On-on to next year’s FESTivities.

-EZ to Please

(*Note: EZ to Please did not attend Festivus, but swears this account to be entirely accurate).

Nice circle!

Le Grind

Nice view.

Tender Vittles giggles.