Well, the H4 spring campout was this past weekend and boy was it a hoot.  It all went down at an awesome place called MYBEACH1.com right on the San Jacinto river.  It had plenty of camp space, shiggy swampland, two beaches, a pavilion and lots of great people.

Here are some of the highlights that I remember (if you have more, let me know and I can edit this):

1.  Hanging out on Thursday with some of the “old guys” to set up and then chillin with Catcher drinking and looking at the “clouds” coming from one of the refineries.

2.  Prelaying Sunday’s trail on Friday and watching people come pouring in and heading right to the river.

3. Chorizo’s awesome food on Friday night and Saturday morning.

4.  Flip cup practice and the mosh pit on Friday night.

5.  Hanging out on the beach and the fire circle on Friday.

6.  Semper and Flatline helping me with the hash olympics.

7.  Team “Gay Canada” participating in the olympics.

8.  Someone somehow convincing UnLaidenSwallows to suck on a banana when she claims that black girls don’t do “that”.

9.  Napping on the beach to the sounds of a 3 hour zippy trail song circle (and sleeping for that long too.)

10.  Playing on the jet skis

11.  The official naming of Taylor as “Underboob” (you guys need to remember the song to Underdog better though.)

12.  AssGrabbers awesome dinner on Saturday night.

13.  SHOT BLOCK! (I got to take a shot of Flatline’s nipples. (A first for both of us!)).

14.  Whoever gave Tai Tai the opportunity to take a shot of their nipples.  I know he appreciated it.

15.  NAKED HASH!

16.  The hardest Jello shots I have ever eaten on a hash.

17.  The bonfire on Saturday with the official naming of Hole in One’s hole to “Jason’s Deli”.

18.  The renaming of Slut Laura to Jizzabel and the naming of someone else I think, I can’t remember.

19.  Finding body paint in my ears on Sunday.

20.  Snatcha sleeping on a picnic table on the beach and then moving to the picnic table by the grill to sleep on Sunday.

21.  Too Drunk’s pig monk birthday lazy himbo hash.

22.  The people that stayed for the regular Sunday trail.

23.  My Mismanagement Team.  You guys are awesome.

24.  The Hangover on Monday.

Those are the CLEAREST memories.  I know there are more but can’t remember them unless I’m that drunk again.  Thanks to everyone that came out and helped with everything.

Erections are in TWO weeks and then I’m outta here, bitches.

D.A.

So what was supposed to be the Leather and Lace hash really turned into the 2nd Anal Punishment hash for no other reason than the hares strange fetish for S&M and anal play.  The pack met up at Spotts park dressed in their Sunday’s best lingerie to a few strange looks from non-hashers coming to the park.  We were also lucky enough to have some spying eyes from the roof of the adjacent building.  One even flashed us as we waiting to start.   Finally the hares did chalk talk and we were on our way to the promised Alcohol check .   The trail itself ended up being just a bunch of straight lines along Washington and Allen Parkway with out any shade.  Finally, after almost melting, we made it to the Alcohol Check at Tony’s Corner Pocket,  one of the gayest bars I’ve ever seen in Houston.  There the hounds were provided with vodka any way they wanted or water.  The clients hanging out inside had no idea what to do with themselves when they saw the men in lingerie.  Lucky for them, there was a stripper pole in the bar and I was able to do a little do to show our appreciation to the bartenders.

After we left the bar, we ran down more unshaded streets until we came to a boob/jello shot check.  Thankfully we have awesome hariettes like Snatcha, Jordan and Laura that are both enthusiastic and busty to make boob checks worth the wait.  From there we ran through the Montrose area which caused many a googly eyes and dropped jaws.  I even got an entire bar to cheer as I ran past in my fishnest body suit.

Finally we ended up a Free Pussy’s backyard which was filled with Free Pussies.  There hares provided a refreshing keg of beer and plenty of melons.  Circle was called and the current mismanagement was given honorary dogtags for their awesome work this last year.  We made some nominations for next years mismanagement and started accusations.  Tale of Two Titties and C3PHoles were called in and recognized for the awesome Texas Beer Fest.  The hares at one point pulled out a whip but couldn’t quite get it to crack well enough so Just Jordan took a turn and silenced everyone with her skillz.  She was then pulled into circle and given the name “Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon”.  Finally the hares called in all of those dressed in lingerie for the best dressed judging.

Indiana Bones was there in her red teddy leading ButtChug by a leash and spanking unsuspecting hashers with a leather paddle.  Platterpuss and Just Laura were close to wearing matching outfits but Laura made it look so much better.  Spin Cycle had her maid outfit on, which is always nice and  Rain Bitch was there in an awesome leopard print outfit.   I myself was in “stiff” competition for best dressed against F*cking Tree Hugger in his lingerie.   And even though Whale’s Vagina said he couldn’t pull off a fishnet body suit with his body, he was very comfortable wearing a crop top and showing off his “abs”.  I was a little sad that ICP, after his enthusiastic approach to the red dress run, decided to attend the hash in regular running clothes.  The winners were decided with Rain Bitch winning a candy ball gag with free mask, Laura won a gas powered bullet and I won an egg shaped pocket pussy.

After all the competition, the keg had run dry but the hares pulled out a cooler full of awesome beer.  The on-after was back at Tony’s  but I didn’t go.

On-On to This cuming weekend’s  H4 Spring Campout.

50-60 hashers gathered on a downtown street side for chalk talk. I had gone for a little warm-up run (yes, I was made to drink for this) and saw that a cop car had pulled up asking questions.  Not sure what was said; the hash was subsequently left in peace to parade through downtown Houston.South, east, north, west, south again was sorta how the trail went.   Hares did a good job of keeping the pack together.   Trail was anywhere between 5.5 – 6 miles generally.  Great seeing veteran hashers still running strongly:   A. Wipe, Roller, and Saran Crap. 4 new boots: Rodrigo, Mari, her fiance and another guy.  Mari and her fiance expressed high interest in returning to the hash on a regular basis (they will be married this fall sometime; no date has been set).  And Shigmata and Death Cab for Bootie celebrated their one year of hashing.  The twins were there too – I think their birthdays are upcoming and they are hosting a run and/or happy hour.  One thing is certain: there is a keg of 1836 at the tennis center THIS Friday! Lastly, we had a visitor from the LA hash named I Did a Rod. He seemed to have had a really good time.

Accusations and the On On On: 1) Tender Vittles showed up within 5 min.of the pack taking off! And finished well before yesterday’s DFL. Yep. It was a good day for Tender. 2) Hooter Bill wore “new” clothes yesterday. A dingy yet non-torn hash shirt and shorts that fit him appropriately. 3) Nappy Headed Ho’s chest and arms showed us all how to NOT apply sunscreen! He had spots of lobster red and white all over from his day at the beach on Saturday. Truthfully, I thought he had a bad case of PI or psoraisis. lol! 4) Snatch modeled a gimmie from this year’s H4 campout beautifully. Krusty did the same, except he showed us all his hairy right cheek while running through the circle. Our visitor, I Did a Rod, couldn’t stop laughing. 5) Juices Flowing managed to still smile while selling her new and snazzy womens’ cut tees. She had fallen on Tues. while riding her bike through Terry H. Park. Apparently, a squirrel jumped in front of her and down she went in hopes of saving its life. 6) Boudin bits were brought to the “snack table” (which was in fact a curb).  A hasher claimed these tasteless boudin bits were made of the squirrel that caused Juices’ fall! 7) Road Kill ate the rest of the boudin links! Whale’s Vagina brought to the circle a bag of Christmas goods to hashers. I Did a Rod said, “I LOVE that name!”. 9) I Did a Rod was called in for running with his shoes in one hand and his “coffee” in another for the first mile! I Did a Rod claimed that Dip Sh*t generously gave him a beer and said that the LA hash always drinks a few before their trails. Why break tradition? 9) Did Sh*t was called in a few times…for being a true Dip Sh*t. He stood in circle, belt unbuckled and zipper down and drank. Meanwhile, I Did a Rod said, “I LOVE that guy! He’s my soul mate!!!”. I called him into the circle for expressing feelings for another male. 10) Platter called Geek into the circle for running into branches and trees. And for making THE former Mr. TXIH drive them back to Houston. At this point, Rancid A. says, “Sasquatch prevails!!!!!!!!”. 11) Catcher in the Brown Eye was the only reboot. Loser.   He had been training and racing in triathlons! (so has A. Wipe and Flatliner and they keep hashing with us!). Unacceptable excuse. 12) Catcher was called in for gingerly stepping through and around a water crossing (near the shot check) and only to find out the water was 1 foot in depth. 13) Duke of Puke was called in for providing the shot check — I didn’t have any but was told it was nasty, horrible and downright disgusting. 14) Unladden Swallows screams while running through the circle, “New shoes b*tches!!!!!!!!!!”. Shigmata was called out for wearing his new Vibrams; he had purchased them 4 hours prior to yesterday’s trail. 15) At the Mothership (F. Saucer), Nappy Headed Ho was talking with a TJ, a potential new boot. TJ looked up our site and said he loved the names of McPisser and Reverse Cowboy. Reverse was present and I made the introduction. TJ knows Platter through the Saucer and expressed high interest in coming out! Overall, trail and circle were both fun and good…even the part where we ran through Hooter’s stomping grounds — homeless, stinky and half-naked men roaming three city blocks. (“Poo-cunte” sidestepped what was probably someone’s breakfast). Light sprinkles fell during part of the trail; otherwise, it was bone dry yet humid. We floated the keg by 6:30ish and ended circle. On-on to a great week! Brrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

***Dick Assley Approved Hash Trash – 4/16/12***

Look at the lovely people.

Photo Courtesy of Ass Swipe

What a fun time and a great turnout for MC’s 30th year of hashing celebration!
If you weren’t there, you missed a fast trail, plenty of heat and food at the
On-In, and a hilarious circle!

Here are a few of my memories:

1) Slumbag, a co-hare, shared with me that she bought her plane ticket to
Kenya! She’ll be hashing there in May.
2) WHP, Digital Input, Poison and his wife, Lover Legs, were a few reboots.
Poison and Lover L. haven’t hashed in years. When asked why they don’t hash
anymore, Poison said, “Look at us. We’re old!”.
3) Horsefli called out Ramrod, 3 in the Stink and Urban Cocksucker for
representing the bank robber and child molesters!! You had to be there!!!
4) Saran Crap wore a Hamburger Helper hand as his beanie! Again, you had to be
there!
5) Dick Assley called out Horsefli for giving Spin Cycle the worst case of
herpes known to mankind! (Spin went spinning out of control during Lube Job’s
cycho hash on Saturday and fell face first).
6) Blow Hole called Lube Job into the circle for attempt to injure the Houston
Bimbos! (Blow Hole apparently fell face first too but while running the Ho as
Lube J. passed her on the bike).
7) Horsefli THEN called Blow Hole into the circle for wanting to have sex with
grannies!!! LOL! All Blow H. wanted to do was take care of hash cash and get
home to watch the Grammys!!!
Hooter Bill wore his sweater once more….as ICP said, “From Baby Gap” and
was called into the circle for his homeless appearance. One accusation was
while Hooter was laying trail with MC and Slumbag that a passer-by asked, “Who’s
that homeless guy with two hot chicks?” Then Small Johnson, who was credited
for not giving a typical lame accusation and in under 30 seconds, informed the
hash that Hooter Bill, in the same Baby Gap sweater and hole-filled pants, was
given free service at a Starbucks the day before!!! (Hooter seemed really proud of
this moment!).
9) The On-After had 1836. Wow. Very tasty.
10) Small Johnson, with sincere sentiment, thanked me and other hashers for
being a part of his 20 years of hashing. I think he owes us a keg!! (I reminded
Small J. of how he makes a beautiful bride. Yes, he still has that elegant
white dress that probably makes most women a bit envious).

I enjoyed seeing the old pics from way back when….of when Hooter had brown
hair and of a pic printed in the Houston Post (1980s) of MC laying trail. The
pic caught her tossing flour and smiling.

The Houston hash is very fun and thanks to all who made yesterday a special day
for Master Chugger!!

I also loved seeing all the wonderful photos from the hash’s past of a young Hooter and Lovely Master Chugger.

On-on,

Dick Assley (Hash Trash Officially stolen from BrRRRRrrrggghh((again.))

CLICK THIS LINK to open in google Maps, with legend.

Did we ever tell you that we hate your f@*king face? Well if we didn’t, we’re telling you now!

(No, but seriously, we will miss you VFP! Come back to visit!)

Vote for Pedro...to get off our island!

Reverse Cowboy finally gets defloured.

Quote of the run: “Heartache did not short cut! He zen-hashed the trail!” –Heartache

Freezing. Of all the runs I can remember, this first Sunday of 2011 was a cold one. Indeed, the hares warned of a chilly ending, but not an @$$ freezer! Tai Tai Toy promised to sacrifice Mud and Ramrod to the hash gods “Shanghai Style” which brought out over 80 people in pure curiosity. They promised a 4-5 mile trail of urban and mixed shiggy and some holy guacamole a la CSI. We began at the Full Moon parking lot, and took a little trip into the Memorial wilderness. Hounds off at 2:30 sharp!

Now, dear hashers, your reverent and endearing On-Sec was running a wide version of the Memorial Loop earlier in the day while training for the Houston Marathon (what a rac*st), and found, what looked to be flour. Let me recount the tale…

So there I was, on pavement, running in the frigid morning, and while heading east on Woodway, a white speck called to me. It said, whispering delicately into my ear, “On-on.” But no! The hares wouldn’t dare lay a trail so close to the road and so visible would they? Upon further inspection, it was indeed (a.k.a tasted like) flour. I followed the trail from the bike path off Woodway, into the shiggy which crossed under the road. We’d been on those trails before, no need to follow further. I continued my run, secure in the knowledge that not only had I outwitted the hares, but I could immediately run to this location after the start.

Flash back to the Full Moon lot where we shivered and shook to keep warm. I, safe in the knowledge of my discovery, let McPisser and a few others know that I had found the holy grail of hash trails – the pre-lay. McPisser, hesitant to believe me, originally decided to run a different direction, but upon seeing the hounds get stumped at the first check, he followed. Low and behold the trail appeared, shortcutting the first check and re-appearing in the woods. Ta-freaking-dah!

Unfortunately, after that delicious discovery, I lost McPisser in the woods and somehow turned around to face the oncoming hounds. PP almost ran me off the trail. So much for the head start. That’s what I get for cheating. We paralleled the shiggy, a few virgins decided to ace forward and show off, and soon hopped up and over the train tracks (*see Festivus post about these tracks). Emerging from the shiggy and onto an urban trail, we let the FRB’s solve checks until…the check from hell.

This check was fenced in around several abandoned lots north of I-10, some with shiggy surrounding, some with fences. It felt like hours at that check, going back and forth, under the highway, into the shiggy, avoiding pitbulls in the distance. Finally someone called into the shiggy and the group sprung forth, ready for new blood.

The remainder of the trail was mostly urban, full of warehouses, abandoned buildings, and unpleasant looking neighbors. After the beer check, I distinctly remember Pearl Necklace almost eating it, and watching as the FRBs zoom by, as they favor the concrete over shiggy. We eventually encountered a narrow and nearly abandoned railroad area. This long channel was under construction and a bit rocky at times, but we could see the end in the distance. The On-In was under 290 near Hempstead Highway and, while there was beer, we had to wait for awhile for the second load of bags. In the freezing meantime, we congratulated Tai Tai on his virgin achievement as the trail was fun and the FRBs zenned for several extra miles.

I think someone was named…but I digress. Semper Pi was visiting our lovely hash from San Antonio and rumor has it, he stole the Hash Shit. That’s right, I’m outing him! Thief! Bring out your torches! Overall a good run and much fun deflouring 2 virgins at once.

Here is the picture of the thief. Do what you will.

Murderer.

On-On to the witch hunt,
-EZ to Please