Weekly reports from the trails we’ve run. For hash trashes before 2008, click here.
Written by “Tastes Great/Less Filling” aka “Mini Pearl Necklace”
Let us begin this trash with a reading from the Gospel according to Ramrod, second chapter verses 15-17:
“15Austin sucks balls. 16Whale’s Vagina is from Austin. 17Therefore Whale’s Vagina has a mouth built to suck balls.”
The word of Ramrod.
Hares: Twinkle Toes, Shigmatta, Meatbox on snacky-poos?
Rogue: Tender Vittles & One Eyed Snake Charmer
Easter Sunday was a hashing day. Starting at an earlier than normal time of 2pm the pack joined up at the Full Moon parking lot of Memorial Park, everyone except for Blowhole who doesn’t know how to use the hash line or the internet just yet. The hares, I mean the real hares not the two hashers in bunny ears, decided to lay trail in easter eggs. The easter eggs were cans of Lone Star that were spray painted pink, blue, and poop and avoided any cold ice at all. Trail started into the outer rims of the Ho and was very well laid. This means there were tons of hot beer eggs to drink and not enough hashers drinking them as this was the freaking point! CSI made a valiant effort to drink every egg but complained that his prelube beer of Santa Fe Java Stout was filling up too much of his beer belly. In the internet this would be called a 1st world problem. So a short cutting he and Pogo went. Roadkill also did his part but woefully complained the he had drank colder coffee than these beer eggs. He told this joke 3 or 4 times and it got incrementally funnier to almost Jay Leno level but not quite there. Hopefuly he will refine it and add some new levels to it and then I will supply a purely complimentary guffaw.
Hare: PP
The pack flowed into I-45 & Spring Stuebner for what was promised to be a very shiggylicious hash, a taste of PP’s world famous artichoke dip, and a meet & greet with the local authorities. Success at every level! Well-travelled faces were a plenty: Louisiana, College Station, Fort Worth, and probably other visitors as well but I don’t know this because I did not attend circle. So if you were a visitor who cares! On On to the rest of the story.
Hared by Shitdickassballs & Can’t Hack The Sack
It doesn’t matter where you start a hash right? Hey let’s start at the White House during President Obama’s inauguration! Sound good ok bring your hash bags then. Well since we’re in Houston and not Washington let’s start at the Houston Zoo on a beautiful Sunday, meet in the parking lot. Done. Ohwaitaminute. Hashers are EN ROUTE and there’s zero parking and it’s a zoo at the zoo, email me a new location over. WillHePeter to save the day. Go to an elementary school. Don’t worry all hashers know where they are. Crisis avoided. And so it was.
The pack amassed and hung out and took things cool, you know, only heckling the frantic hares a little bit. Young Shitdickassballs grabbed his sack o’ flour and ventured off on the live lay. Ramrod did his best Richard Simmons impersonation and stretched the 1 muscle that he has. Duke of Puke kept shouting that he was going to be FRB and catch that wascally wabbit. Rancid Asshole snuck off 4 mins before the pack. Death before honor. Several hashers replaced their wristwatches with the warm Big Flats and drank a pull every minute until the 10min lead was done and then off they went like a dress on prom night.
Hash # 1827 – Dick Assley’s Birdday Hash
Courtesy of: Notorious Goose Grinder, Dick Assley, and Whale’s Vagina
Dick Assley got older so he thought it would be a good idea to corral up some Bad Company and lay a confusing trail. Well mission accomplished brother. Not totally true but some of it.
Trail started near http://tinyurl.com/agotzke (I never delete emails. Take that Hotmail!)(.)(.) Minding my business I was the lone dude to run right at the very first check. Rancid Asshole screams at me they’re on over here! They’re on over here! Which they weren’t. And since I get confused when men scream at me I followed his pointless directions.
Hares: Snatch Trick and Urban Cocksucker
Sometimes things go together like peanut butter and jelly, or anal & lube. This day was fashioned like an old fashioned. Your city of Houston put it together like Free Pussy & Griff’s. Silly Similies and Smiles. Unadopted pets. Drool. Feces. I watched a building implode downtown that day and that wasn’t even the highlight of my day (no it was Roadkill. Always is.) What I’m saying is you hear the words Hangover Hash and you think oh my geeze a boring A to A with slow wits. And you would be wrong you Forrest Gump motherfucker. Because this is the Houston Hash House Harriers and surprises come like crabs to a prostitute (hi Rain Bitch!), 1 billion served McDonalds style. Recognize your hares Snatch Trick and Urban Cocksucker. They put about 60 hungover suckers in East Downtown near Navigation and Bohemeo’s. Right now the kids call it Eado. City slang.
Hared by ICP and Slap Dat Ass
ICP and Slap Dat Ass brought the pack together for a Montroseheyyyy! urban noshiggy hash to celebrate their 69th year of analversarying together. We hung out at Walgreens as ICP donned some used surgical gloves to make flour angels on the ground. Then we ran away from him and tried to find more of this pac man dust throughout the hood. Lots of circle jerks occurred and I’m not talking about the fun kind. If you didn’t know your way around Montroseheyyyy! you do now bc you saw every square inch of it. Including ICPs house where we paused to drink some beer. Later on we saw McPisser and Urbancocksucker running the damn hash backwards. Apparently they knew we would end at Griff’s (spoiler) and heard about the righteous beer check. Buffoons I say.
Hares: Tender Vittles, Horsefli Drivebi, Ramrob
So there we were in e-mails up to here, with the hares promising the most shiggy of trails, with lengths of epic proportions and terrain so ruff, not even the dogs could attend…
Now, with most hares, all of the smoke and sunshine being blow up our asses on the email is just that, smoke and sunshine. This time it was different. This time, it was the truth. On-on for more…
We shall call this one Heartache’s Hazmat Hoopla Hash, or H4 for short because that’s not confusing at all. Keeping with the theme of confusion on the day of the hash Heartache emailed the hash email group frantically asking for his co-hare Just John’s phone #. That’s a good sign right? Well ignoring this factoid the young and the old came from far and wide for a Heartache spectacle. The weather was crispy cool (nipples!) and the local sports team had a victory so all were smiling and ready to get their light jog on. Promises and threats of preemo beer, a turkey eagle split, and walker’s trail were in mind. The anticipation was so heavy in fact that Snatch Trick’s dog Moppet took a nice big s-h-i-t on his tennis ball. He then showed everyone why a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s as she retrieved the ball from his own s-h-i-t. Seizing the opportunity Snatch Trick pimped her dog out with shitty kisses for $1. No takers so we hashed instead.
Trail 1807 – Spy in the Sky, Yeast of Burden, Cums Anyway, McPisser Labor Day Weekend Houtx 2012 A.D.
Being that it was labor day weekend I was reallllly hungover but I said to self, “self, get your ass to hashing and everything else is gonna be alright.” Did you just read that last bit in Bob Marley voice? Good. And I’m glad I went because those hares laid such a good trail that no one even sang them the Shitty Trail song! Until later when we realized it at the bar. But that comes later. Let’s go to sooner. So we started off at some school and I’ll leave off the obligatory Whale’s Vagina mention, but he was, and then we darted across a field. Trail laid us to some drainage ditch with a high fence. Lemmings lined up single file to crawl under the fence when FBI hopeful Snatchatarius said why the fuck is everyone being all orderly and shit? And then cut the line. All’s fair in love & hashing bitches! FRB hopeful Fucking Tree Hugger went the opposite route, as in up. Have you ever seen him do his squirrel monkey fence climbing impersonation? It’s quite breathtaking. I think it was DFL hopeful Too Drunk To Fuck who did neither of these routes, as he found a nice big hole
We hash every Sunday in the greater Houston area (and some days in between). Call our hotline at 71-DIAL-HASH for daily run info, or join our Yahoo Group. What is hashing? Find out here.