Houston Hash House Harriers » Hash Trash

Hash #1774 – I F*cked Your Frech Dad’s Drippy Tool(box) Hash

Dick Assley — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 15:57:48 +0000

Hares: I F*cked Your Dad, French Drip, Toolbox

(Thanks for writing the hash trash Brrrrrrggghhh)

GREAT being back to the Houston hash! As McP mentioned, we did get stopped by a warden who mentioned it’s a Class B Misdemeanor for our trespassing. Thankfully, and according to McP, she gave him only a warning after he showed his peter to her. She stood stunned and speechless.

Two kegs….we think they were full kegs…simply vanished just before accusations. Nonetheless, thanks to Second Hand Job for handling the beer wagon.

IFYD, French Drip and Tool Box laid a most fun shiggy trail! 5 miles in length. Two virgins. And many reboots. Here is my quick recap:

1) The walkers were out on trail for a solid THREE hours. Lost, like the crew from Gilligans Island. Hooter, in a most adamant and concerned tone, stated that someone needed to look for the walkers. Il Castrato and I laughed at Hooter’s concern as Il C. stated, “Hooter — the walkers’ rights activist.”
2) Someone set up a hanging shower in the woods. All hasher dogs joined in howling unison as they extolled Closet Freak in her pure and nekkid beauty.
3) Refer to Point #2 – Closet Freak in the nude. Pimp Dawg was called into the circle for cleansing in the above said shower and expecting that Closet F. was next to him. He saw a nude back and longer, curly hair. Imagine his surprise when his shower partner turned to face him and it was Tree Hugger!! (Insert “Sodomy” song here).
4) Butt Pirate sported his new ironman tatoo on his right calf. Quite unique. He is scheduled to do IM Texas again!
5) I congratulated Dangleberry on his marathon debut! 2:58:01. Outstanding! !!!
6) The game warden imposed her authority of our trespassing by stopping the 2nd hasher, Tender Vittles. At this point, Saran is well ahead and speeding down the embankment. Tender then yells, “Saran!! Saran!! Come back!!” Game warden says, “What’s he doing down there? He could get hurt!!!”.
7) Saran called out Just John for coming up short of tip money at the Yardhouse bar a week or so ago. Saran gave Just John the money he lacked/needed. Saran proposed the naming, “Short Tip”. Great idea! However, “Tipper Whore” was claimed as his hash name. (Which BTW, he despises…) .
At the On On On, I’m waiting for a beer at the bar while Parson’s Nose is making new friends within a few feet. One of the regulars asked me (pointing to PN), “Is he your husband?” I laughed heartily and asked PN for his answer. He replied, “Not tonight”.
9) An official paddle was given to various hashers to spank the girl whose bday is tomorrow. Closet Freak gave a whopping blow to IFYD that I think sent her to the heavens. It was harsh.
10) Many of you missed this, but about 5 hashers were pushing French D.’s vehicle from the front as it was sorta stuck in the mud. All who were pushing gave a heave-ho. One who gave an honest and all-out effort was Urban Cocksucker. He pushed and fell face forward in the mud! Everyone else kept their balance, except him. It was a complete riot to see.

Trail was great, circle was fun and there are many more stories to share….but this harriette has to hit the hay!!

On-on to more hashing and Pooperbowl next week!!!

Brrrrrggggggggggghh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhh

(Verified Official Hash Trash by Dick Assley, 1/30/12)

Hash #1762 – Scorpio Run

TooDrunk — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:03:45 +0000

Hares: FMR, Little Pussy and Geek

The following Saint Arnold’s beer was available at this run:

All you can drink for $5. Trail of the year in my book

THANK YOU, GEEK!

Hash #1757 – Just Tiffany’s Dangling Virginity Hash

Dick Assley — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 00:10:35 +0000

Hares: Dangleberries and Just Tiffany

Here’s a good one… What’s wet and cold and falls from the sky?

RAIN!!! I know some of you don’t remember what that is but it’s AWESOME! And it’s something H4 hasn’t been able to run in in a looooong time. I love running in the rain! It makes the mud, sweat and beers so much better. What’s even cooler though isthe fact that my roof was leaking. I was pissed. I had to sit around waiting for the repairman to come and fix my roof while all my friends got to run in the rain. Life is so unfair!

So here’s what I know. Dangle was challenged to only a 5 minute head start to lay his trail. He accepted. He did a good job of evading the hash until Geek caught him. Geek! Of all hashers. I don’t even know if Geek was on trail or got lucky, but he caught Dangleberries. Way to go Geek.

Congratulations to Tiffany for being named Amazing Technicolor Vagina (A.T.V.)!!!! Way to go. Who knew your vagina was like a chameleon and could blend in to it’s surroundings.

Sorry I missed trail.

On-on

Hash #1756 – Best Trail of the Year Contender Hash

Dick Assley — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 02:15:09 +0000

Hares: Dick Assley, Tender Vittles, Un-laid-en Swallows

AHA! Another Tender Vittles hash! Woohoo! Yippee!! Rock On! FREEBIRD!!!!

But seriously, this trail was awesome. Dick Assley, Tender Vittles and Un-laid-en Swallows deserve to win Trail of the Year for this bad boy.

The Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall campout had ended just a short time before and this trail couldn’t have been better. It was a nice easy 3.5 miles down south, right off the highway on the way in to town. The area was familiar to last years post campout hash but much much drier. In fact, it was so familiar, even GrindSlut came out to try the trail.

Trail had some falses, a back check, a beer check under a bridge an awesome ending spot in the shade of a giant hill, something you don’t get much of in Houston. After the beer check, most of the hounds stayed on the south side of the bayou. They heard Dangle yelling “On-On” and excited to be on trail, but the other hashers knew better. After about a quarter mile, Dangle came to the only water crossing on trail, which led back to the side of the bayou with everyone else.

Snatcha led circle, but gave very little, if any, fucks at all about it; which made me think it was more of a camPOUT instead of a Camp out. Oh well. The on-on-on was held at The Den with Urbarn Cocksucker, the best bartender ever! Overall, it was a great trail and I can’t wait for Dick Assley to do another one.

Best Trail of the Year, ya’ll.

on-on

Hash #1755 – Oh Sh*t, It’s the Cops! Hash.

Dick Assley — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 00:21:07 +0000

Hares: Horsefli Drivebi, Insane Clown Pussy, Androgymouth
Well, well, well… You’re back. You’ve been gone for a while. I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever see you again. You chose a good time to come back.

What can I say about this weeks hash that hasn’t already been said? To start off, we had two virgin hares laying trail with Horsefli. Should’ve known that some sort of sh*t was gonna go down. Second, we were hashing in Missouri City; always a sketchy thing to do.

The trail started like most do, in a parking lot. The trail was pretty nice. It included two clothes checks, the first one had Reverse Cowboy and I F*cked Your Dad switching shirts, titty tassels and all. The second one had Platter Puss and his little blonde friend switch shorts.

The hares also provided the pack with not one, but TWO, waterless water crossings. The good thing about the second waterless crossing is that it was really close to a beer check. A beer check that Ass Grabber thought was a BACK check, sending him deep in to some thorny woods instead of enjoying a tasty beverage. It was at the beer check that Lube Job had his bike stolen by Estres, who only rode about 50 yards before he realized his legs couldn’t reach the pedals and abandoning it.

At some point I was told that Dangleberries caught the hares but since no one else was around, it could be false.

After trail, the pack was brought tasty daiquiri treats by Dick the Boy Wonder and a keg of lone star. The hares were called in for their crimes and virgin lays. Here CreamOnMyBack and another hasher tried to be sneaky in order to de-flour the virgins, but they were about as quiet as a elephant getting it on with your mother.

Now here’s the fun part. Halfway though circle, being led by McPisser (when it should’ve been Roller Balls), the Misery City Police showed up. We thought we were in a safe abandoned area of town, but since the police down there have nothing better to do, they found us. The broke up our circle and caused a great deal of stress to the hashers, threatening to tow our vehicles and make us deal with designated drivers. Of all things! They didn’t realize that we are professional drinkers. Anyway, many people like Puke and Tiny Bubbles were called and lent a hand to the stranded hashers. Thanks guys!

After the whole ordeal, the On-On-On was held at the Kozy Korner, where the bartender had some of the biggest cans I’ve ever seen. I mean, seriously, who knew Lone Star came in a 72 ounce bucket. Some of the kids that went to BestFest joined us but only ICP was brave enough to come after such a crazy time with the cops. The bar provided some delicious enchiladas and some sloppy joes to go along with the hashers getting sloppy. After a bunch of Lone Stars, Reverse Cowboy and CumOnIWannaLayYa bought a round of “NewYork MutherF*ckers” and I knew it was time to leave.

It was a shitty trail followed by some shitty cops. Great job guys.

On-On

Hash # 1754 – H4/Crab Hash/Ass Grabber’s Birthday Hash.

Dick Assley — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 01:45:47 +0000

Hares: Dick Assley, Dick the Boy Wonder, Ass Grabber

After a super fun and super successful Texas Crab Hash #19, it was time to run the H4 trail. We were particularly lucky to have Dick Assley, Dick the Boy Wonder and Ass Grabber as our hares this week. We knew trail was gonna rock. The pack met up at Specs off Pearland Parkway for a 4 pm start. As they were waiting around for chalk talk, the pack was pleasantly surprised with two bag of delicious french pastries compliments of a nearby bakery closing for the day. It seemed like it was going to be a good trail. Dick The Boy Wonder had even done his rain dance earlier in the day and brought it some cloud cover for the hounds. He delayed the rain from falling until after chalk talk was complete and the hounds were off. Just then the skies opened up and the rain started falling. Ass Grabber and the other hares loaded up the shag wagon and were about to pull out of the lot when, lo and behold, a limping hasher. It was RamRod. Somehow he had managed to sprain his ankle in the first 100 yards of trail. Except for the swelling, I thought it was just an excuse to go back to camp and drink some more.

So, now that the hares had loaded up Ramrod, they were off to the ending. But wait! What’s this? Another hasher is limping as the hares drive by. This time it’s Tap Dat Ass’s sister, Heather! That’s two hashers down in less than 200 yards of trail! FAIL!!!!

After securing Heather for the ride, the hares headed back to DTBW’s Crab Hash camp to finish setting up. The hounds ran north and west through a neighborhood, followed flour through a gas pipeline clearing and through a nice bit of shiggy. They then came to Forbes road. Here they went north to Almeda-Genoa and then things got complicated. Some hashers that had been to Crab Hash knew that the end was going to be at the campsite. Others weren’t so lucky. Snatcha had almost made it to the end when she spotted an arrow from the previous trail. Not knowing the end was so close, she decided to follow it like a good hariette. What she didn’t know is that she was adding 3.5 miles to a 3.5 mile trail. Over achiever.

Meanwhile, back at the camp; Ass Grabber was finishing up his delicious chicken enchiladas and the Lone Star was flowing like wine. Dick Assley was seen pacing for a few minutes worried that the rain had washed away trail but was quickly soothed when the pack started to arrive.

Once Snatcha showed up, circle was started. Tap Dat Ass took her seat in the same child’s seat she sat in last year, making me want to tap dat ass even more. There were some down downs for the injured hounds and some other accusations. (I don’t remember them all, it had been a long weekend) and circle came to a close. The on-after was on DTBW’s land because there were plenty of beers and margaritas still flowing from the weekend. Over all, it was the Best Trail of the Quarter, if I do say so myself.

On-On.

Hash #1751 Roller Balls and Slumbag Hash

TooDrunk — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 05:23:18 +0000

Hares: Roller Balls and Slumbag

It was September 1959 just outside of Castle Rock, Oregon where the pack met up to take part in run #1751 hared by Roller Balls and Slumbag. Myself and my friends Chris Chambers, Teddy Duchamp and Vern Tessio had just learned that Ray Brower’s body had been found. You may remember that Ray was killed by a train but no one had found his body until now. Vern had overheard his older brother saying he found it while trying to dump a stolen car.

“You guys wanna go see a dead body?” Vern asks

Oh wait, that’s fucking Stand by Me isn’t it? Damn it. The trail went through some fantastic shiggy it sure felt like a movie.

This run brought out a good collection of people in the 106 degree heat in northwest Houston. We all met at Pickle’s bar or pub or slaughter house. Whatever you want to call it Pickle is the man and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Could be selling Budweiser, could be burning crosses. I don’t know and I don’t care. It was hot and sometimes people do crazy things in the heat. Thankfully the only crazy thing we do is run through alligator infested waters, drink beer and sing songs that make nerds blush. This run had all of that, although I’m not too sure about the alligators.

As I was still waiting for my old war wound to heal I did the walkers trail with some other fantastic hashers. I got to meet The Pits and Turtle Brains in the back of Rear Layer’s truck on the way to the beer check. Yes, we walkers were driven to the beer check where we did the trail from there. The Pits was licking Turtle Brain’s sweat off her arm like a sex crazed maniac looking for anyway to get off. I’m guessing from Turtle Brain’s nonchalance it was pretty normal behaviour.

The trail from the beer check was pretty fantastic. I hope the first half was as good as the second. Great shiggy, a couple water crossings and plenty of shady spots. On the second, last, water crossing I kept walking the trail instead of crossing the bayou to the other side. I’m glad I did as the trail ended up coming back onto the trail we were on. I think I paused to look at the bayou when Digital Input flew past me at a leisurely rate. She wasn’t crossing it either. Short story long the moral is that ‘sometimes the grass is browner on the other side’ and if you don’t want to do something it will all work out in the end. Ok, so that last part was bullshit. Nothing ever works out in the end and I’ll prove it:

Joe Strummer is dead and Kim Kardashian is insanely rich. Andy Dick is still alive but Phil Hartman isn’t?

Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, Ray Brower. Poor kid. I thought we might run into Ray’s body on the second half of the trail but we didn’t. We did however come across yet another neighborhood in Houston that has horses. If you’re keeping score on the home edition that is the 1,529th neighborhood in Houston where you can find stables. Tell you what, walk outside right now grab the first cat you see and start swinging it. If you haven’t hit a horse then you’re the fucking king or queen or both. No judgement’s here.

Trail ended in a wonderfully secluded and well shaded area. The hares really did a fantastic job on the trail and ending. The aforementioned Digital Input was on hand to give out some well earned necklaces. In case you don’t know Digital Input makes necklaces for hashers if they’ve sponsored a keg for happy hour. Oh sure you could buy one online but you really should earn it first. Myself, Hole in 1, Catcher in the Brown Eye, VagueRant, and a couple other people got necklaces that day. One hard lesson we also learned that day is that the former grand masters rape the new necklace winners that very night. Thanks for not letting us know this, assholes. I will be emotionally and physically scarred the rest of my life. In hindsight I wouldn’t change a thing. Although both Hooter and Geek were unrepentant in their vigor they were equally forgiving when it was all over.

McPisser did a fantastic job for the absent Snatch who, and I’m probably not getting this right, was a tiki pleasure party with Krusty. Something about Easter island head shaped dildos and rum flavored lube. Again, I might not have heard the whole story correctly.

Circle disbanded and we were back at Pickle’s where at one time they may actually used the building as a pickling plant. What they pickled I wouldn’t know but I’m guessing cucumbers, pig’s feet, eggs, human remains. I’m not sure. Someone brought hot dogs, someone brought buns, someone brought ketchup, someone brought mustard. I didn’t really dig too deep on this but I think it may have been the same person. I don’t know how. Could’ve been a grocery bag or one of those reusable kinds. Perhaps multiple trips were made from a waiting vehicle. Maybe there were two accomplices? I don’t know and anyone near the dogs weren’t saying a thing. I don’t think we’ll ever find out.

I’m getting paid by the word, right?

H4 Run #1752 — McP + Tender Vittles

TooDrunk — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 02:53:36 +0000

H4 1752 9.04 McP & TV Reservoir

Hares: McPisser and Tender Vittles

I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn’t even know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles up a river that snaked through the war like a main circuit cable plugged straight into Kurtz. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of Colonel Walter E. Kurtz’s memory any more than being back in Saigon was an accident. There is no way to tell his story without telling my own. And if his story really is a confession, then so is mine.

Ok, so Vietnam is worlds from George Bush park but that didn’t stop our hares from treating us like Marines that day.

The run began on the southwest section of GB park in the parking lot of our OnAfter and with the overcast skies and cooler temps I was looking forward to it. As were the other hounds in attendance. I don’t know what kept some people away but this was the best trail I’ve done this year. Sorry to all the others but this one, 100% shiggy, was epic in every way.

Chalk talk was over and the hound moved north to a stout little hill with a false on top. Picture Snooki from Jersey Shore as a hill and you get the idea, kind of like a boil. Shortly after this the trail split turkey/eagle. 99% of the time I take the eagle and usually somewhere close to the end I kick my ass wishing I had done the turkey. This one was different. I ran 100 feet and immediately regretted my decision. Trail crossed over a long, wide body of water. Jumping into the water I was met with about 3+ feet of thick, stinky mud and a thin layer of water. I goose stepped as did the rest of the pack as long as they could hoping the water would get deeper at some point. For a split second a few us thought it would get easier as we saw A$$ Grabber do a swan dive into the water only to have body come to hard stop, his belly protecting the rest of his body from getting wet. His belly poking 6 inches under water. A couple more steps and a lot of us said fuck it and tried to crawl/swim/slide across the muck. I must have mentally punched the hares in the beans a thousand times at that point. Fuckers

Trail went through some nice dry shiggy splitting up the group a little bit here before coming to the second water crossing, of which I spent an extra few minutes carefully trying to scrape away any deathly bacteria from my body(I know, scrub one to get another) I love coming across regular people on runs like this. The group I was with came across a couple taking a walk through the park and watched in amazement as we gleefully jumped in the bayou without hesitation. I’m sure it gave them something to talk about during commercials breaks for Knotts Landing(Is that show still on?)

More shiggy gave way to a pipeline clearing bisecting the park north/south. I’m pretty sure we were near I-10 at this point and trail moved back south. Shortly after this the turkey and eagle trail came back together and led the beer check. I’m pretty sure the trail from there crossed the bayou again but by bridge. I wouldn’t know. I thought I saw walkers south on the pipeline clearing so I went that way. This meant I had to cross the bayou again except there was no bridge in sight. Apart from not being able to see a bridge I also couldn’t see the alligator nest signs that dotted the edge of the bayou. Fuck it. Bayou crossed I followed the pipeline down a half mile back into some amazing shiggy that went southwest. I could sense the end was near. This last part of the trail was fanfuckingtastic and also slightly depressing. At first I found it strange to find so many dead fish on the ground and then I realized that we were running through a dried up swamp. Dead Nemos aside this part was amazing and great fucking scouting by the hares. It had some great terrain and low lying, wide shade trees that offered up some relief for the home stretch. Bravo hares, bravo.

Circle was on virgin territory. In that it was in the middle of a dried up lake a quarter mile from the start. For some reason attendance was a little low for this one so the keg wasn’t killed right away but that didn’t stop some of the pack from finishing it off in the OnAfter parking lot. Speaking of the OnAfter Hooter Bill was sporting a half chub because the bar, the County Line BBQ, had a Natty Light neon sign. We all home a little satisfied that day

Thank you McP and TV for a great trail. I really hope it ends up trail of the year, it’s been my favorite so far this year

OnOn to the next one

Hash # 1750 – Yet Another Tender Vittles Trail.

Dick Assley — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 01:33:44 +0000

Hares: Tender Vittles and One Inch Wonder

Well, well, well. He’s at it again. Tender Vittles lays another trail for the Houston Hash, this time with One Inch Wonder. How many does this make for this year? 12? 13? Too many to count, that’s how many!

This particular trail of Tenders started us behind the Spaghetti Warehouse in downtown Houston close to another popular hash site, Allen’s Landing. Now, we’ve had hashes start and end here many times before and it has never been a problem; but somehow, rumors got started that the hash was not allowed to park in the Warehouse lot. The trail hadn’t even started and hashers were getting lost on the way to the parking lot while others were eager to get a move on. During chalk talk Horsefli Drivebi was seen wandering along the bayou trying to get ahead of the pack. Racist.

Once trail started, it immediately took the pack down to the bayou and passed in front of the crypt of Timothy Donnellan, one of the earliest Houstonians. It was creepy. After some nice running along the bayou the trail trail did a nice loop de loop to confuse the hell out of the hounds. As trail got close to the aquarium, McPisser and a few others were seen running off down the street towards the Fond Erection Center because they swore that’s where the “Shower Check” would be. After getting a little lost myself, I ended up cutting back on trail to find Horsefli. We ran downtown past the Alley Theatre and found the true “Shower Check” at the fountain in the “park”.

After looping around and passing the Univeristy of Houston, the hounds headed out of downtown towards the Elysian bridge. Luckily the hares were kind enough to avoid that crossing and had the ending underneath it looking across to St. Arnold.

After McPisser and his group of thugs finally got to the end, it was time for circle. I don’t really remember what happened there. IF anyone knows, please tell me. The end.

Hash #1749 – Bang Bang Ez, Ez’s Going Away Hash

Dick Assley — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 01:31:39 +0000

H4 1749 8.14 Bang Bang Easy

Hares: Ez 2 Please, RamRod

Well, after months and months of going away parties, it had to happen sometime; Easy to Please was finally getting the hell out of Texas. Good riddance.

A small pack met at Han’s Bierhaus around 3 o’clock for some farewell prelubing and after an hour or so of drinks, the rest of the Houston hounds started to arrive. After a few rounds of drinks the hares took everyone outside for chalk talk. There was a rumbling in the sky above as if to signal the end of (Easy’s) days (in Houston). After explaining the hash marks and specifically the Boston/Houston split, the hounds were off.

The trail started out heading to the east through the neighborhoods, towards Rice University. After a short little jog across O’Connor field, the pack found the courtyard with the giant slab sculptures that I can’t run past without trying to climb one and then a beer check. But How? The only place close enough was Valhalla! Somehow Easy or Ramrod had worked their (sexual) magic on the management of the wonderful little bar and got the to open early as a special treat for the hash. Even better than the fact that Valhalla was open; was the fact that they had all their beers available for purchase instead of a singular keg of Lone Star or Pabst, much to Hooter’s dismay. It was during the beer check that the skies opened and provided the hounds with a nice cool break from the hot Houston weather. But not all was well.

After the unexpected rain, the trail, which was laid that day, started to disappear rapidly. After the beer check the hounds headed southeast along Cambridge street towards Hermann Park. It was here that I got lost with Dangleberries and separated from most of the pack. After some serious scrounging, we finally found trail going by the zoo parking lot and towards the medical center. “Of course!” I thought. “If Easy is going to medical school, why would she not lay trail in the medical center?!”

It was around this area that the Houston/Boston split came up and required a water crossing for those unlucky enough to take the wrong split. I was lucky enough to avoid the water. After this the trail was pretty easy to follow because of a HUGE ON-IN on the side of the bayou leading to the end.

The end of trail was held at the parks along the Braes Bayou trail, where two years before, Easy had met her special boy, Twinkletoes, and a beautiful and weird relationship began.

During circle, Easy to Please was made to drink for many of her past offenses as well as plenty of new ones. Narc called Vaguerant out for yelling such things as “keep up” and “why so slow old man?” only even through Narc was in front for almost the entire trail. Having received the Hashshit the previous week as a family, Ramrod and Easy nominated Lube Job to receive it this week for making Easy cry on the very first trail she laid, the infamous “Bataan Death March” Hash. There were cheers of approval as that cruel bastard was made to drink from the plunger.

After way too many rounds of Bang Bang, Easy from Ramrod, circle came to an end. The On-After was back at Hans’ where Easy played one of her last games of speed/battle chess with her boys while others played boccie ball. The hares were kind enough to provide quite a few pizzas that were demolished in a matter of minutes. At the end of the night there were hugs, kisses, tears and ass grabs as the hash said it’s goodbyes to Easy to Please. Godspeed young hasher. May you trail be clearly laid and hazmat never be called. Good luck, Easy to Please!

On-on!