The Pooper Bowl

The Pooper Bowl has been horrifying hashers and civilians alike since 1987. Bestowed to a new recipient once a year in an elaborate sploshing-like ceremony on Super Bowl Sunday, earning the Pooperbowl is a dubious honor. We’ve even been recognized by the website Something Awful. Sometimes it’s better to let the ceremony speak for itself.

Below, the prestigious list of Pooperbowl honorees.

Special thanks to scribes Will He Peter and Halfmoon. Click the recipient’s name for Hash trash from the run. Click each image to see more photos from that run.

1987 — The first recipient was Scum Puppy

The tradition was started by Armadildo Dundee, for the Hash did find a portable bedpan in the bushes after a Hash Run the very same day as the Super Bowl. And thus did Armadildo insist that Scum Puppy be enthroned upon it, and wheeled around the parking lot at a high rate of speed. And the Hash found this good. He was ritually doused with beer. And he was cold, and it was good, and thus was the Pooper Bowl tradition born.

1987 ½ — Sweet Ass (aka Head Czech, aka Crippled Bitch)

And the Hash did decide to give out the Pooper Bowl in the summer. Nobody remembers why. And Scum Puppy did bestow it upon Her Of Many Hash Names. And Sweet Ass was the first to be enthroned upon a new Pooper Bowl, an actual ceramic toilet on wheels. And we did wheel her around the parking lot on her throne at a high rate of speed, and it was good.

1988 — Numzit

Numzit was so named because she paralyzed the lips of the original Pooper Bowl recipient, Scum Puppy, thus curing him once and for all of unsolicited toe-sucking. And she did that very night drop the Pooper Bowl on her foot, causing massive injury and many months of reconstructive surgery. And thus was the Pooper Bowl baptized in the blood of the Hash, and were the gods of Toe Sucking appeased.

1989 — Will He Peter

We come now to the modern incarnation of the Pooper Bowl, donated by Power Tool. WHP was the first to be anointed with a mélange of food prepared especially by Glass Blower, including pasta, ketchup, fish heads, mayonnaise and ranch style beans. He was then basted with peanut butter. And it was good. And Bayou Beaver was so moved by the spectacle that she did puke in the hedges. And WHP did stick his head where the sun don’t shine and drink the first down down poured through the toilet seat.

1990 — Power Tool

And the Harriettes that Power Tool “dated” were so legion that they were invited to step forward and cover him with food, and thus was the Hash Circle broken. And too did several male Hashers step forward, claiming to have dated Power Tool, and he was made to assume the seat of ease. And when they were done, he was for that day called Power Stool. And the Hash thought this good.

1991 — Cocker

And the names were thus for the first time recorded on the surface of the Pooper Bowl. And Cocker did start the tradition of Hashers stripping down to underwear to be anointed with food product. And thus was she blessed with many offerings, and a Hasher shoved a handful of pasta into her panties, creating an impressive bulge. And the Hash found this good.

1992 — Low Blow

And the Pooper Bowl was put on wheels by Pussy Tosser. And Low Blow was propelled around the parking lot at a high rate of speed by his benefactor, Cocker. And urged on by some inner demon did Cocker shove him into a bush of nettles. It was there Low Blow suffered a tragic accident to his manhood, and was thereafter known as “Lola Blowla”.

1993 — Slammer

And Slammer did bring to the Pooper Bowl something it had never had before: Modesty. Refusing to remove her blouse, we hosed her with food product, and used our imaginations, which were as bountiful as her bosom. And Slammer did then reject the Hash. The Hash gods were not pleased, and some month’s later did put her into a swoon beside a Fire Ant Mound, where they did feast upon her nether regions. And the ants did weave about drunkenly upon the tasting of her blood.

1994 — Gonad the Barbarian

And with the Ascension of Power Tool did Gonad become the Tester Of Harriette Virtue, and many were so tested and found wanton. Thus, Gonad was the first to be covered by many Vengeful Harriettes with green spaghetti. And a Harriette did stuff his shorts with the spaghetti, creating an impressive bulge. And the Hash said it was good. And a Vengeful Harriette did get over herself and go down on him in front of us all.

1995 — Small Johnson

The following year, Gonad did break with tradition and not award the Pooper Bowl to a Hasher of the opposite sex. And the Hash found this borderline Gay, and proclaimed it good. And it was below freezing, and Small Johnson did strip down to his panties. And Gonad did take his time as Small was turned into a human taco. And Small Johnson did attempt an Accusation, and the Hash did miss the Super Bowl, and the Hash gods were so amused, that they did forever addle Small’s tongue, so that the Hash might be amused.

1996 — Stop ‘n’ Blow

Stop ‘n’ Blow, blessed by both Nature and the Hash gods, caused Small Johnson to declare that it was well and good that she should be made up like a Texas Barbeque. And Stop ‘n’ Blow did remove her blouse, and the Hash did prepare a forty pound Barbeque upon her breasts, and it was good, and everybody did feed from it…..and there was room for seconds…..

1997 — Such A Puss

And Such-A-Puss did steal Stop ‘n Blow’s Texas Barbeque bra, after tricking her into cleaning up at his place. The next year he reappeared with said bra and bestowed it upon Stop ‘n Blow with much pageantry. However, the joke was on Such A Puss, for he did not know that Stop ‘n’ Blow had already selected him as the next Pooper Bowl recipient. He was enthroned upon the Pooper Bowl and made into a human pizza, and the phrase “personal private bra” was spoken for the first time in recorded history. The hash saw this and it was good.

1998 — Pipes

And Such A Puss did much soul searching to find the next Pooper Bowl recipient, Pipes, of the much maligned Hamersley Clan. And Pipes was made to strip down to his shorts and become a pancake, the favorite breakfast treat of Such A Puss. And the Harriettes did douse him with milk, oil, eggs, and flour. And after he was a made in the likeness of a pancake, the Harriettes did add syrup, butter, and orange juice. And there came to be an impressive bulge not only in the front of his shorts from the butter, but equally so in the back of his shorts from the syrup bottle. And the hash looked at this and deemed it to be good.

1999 — High Maintenance

The beautiful winner took her place on the throne and did live down to her Hash Name, as Pipes explained that on this great day High Maintenance would be turned into a human Vegemite sandwich. And it was good. To help assuage their disappointment, the Runners-Up were given the task of preparing the sandwich as Pipes read the recipe. Never have there been women so eager in a kitchen. The ingredients were added upon High Maintenance, including: flour, oil, eggs, butter and of course the Vegemite. Pipes said no vegemite sandwich would be complete without a beer, so HM got 2 full Foster’s on her head.

2000 — Roller Balls

Continuing in the tradition of picking someone completely not expecting to get the Pooper Bowl “award”, High Maintenance passed the Pooper Bowl on to Roller Balls. Being from San Antonio and in Festive mood, High Maintenance made Roller Balls into a Human Fiesta, complete with candied syrup and Confetti. And it was a sticky mess, and Roller did have much difficulty explaining his condition to the Human Resources representative at Enron.

2001 — Halfmoon

As Roller Balls was about to announce his choice, Halfmoon quickly moved in place with his camera to get a good shot of the new winner. And Roller did restore the semi-gay tradition inaugurated by Gonad and did award the Pooper Bowl to Halfmoon, who quickly put his camera away. Roller Balls then did convert Halfmoon into a human hash trail, and the ingredients included flour, a jug of black liquid shiggy, leaves, beer, cookies, bananas, peanut butter, salsa and of course, tortillas. Halfmoon was then given the traditional Pooper Bowl down-down by placing his head in the box and having his down-down poured through the toilet seat.

2002 — Pump Me

Pooper Bowl XVI became known as Poultrygeist…. Pump Me was the surprise “winner”. Always the bride’s maid, never the bride… that’s what they all said. Pump Me was brought out into circle with two other PACKERS FANS, Slum Bag and Tuna Delight. What do Packers do? …they pack meat. Pump Me was thus transformed into a TURDUCKEN. She was stuffed with Duck (in her granny panties), Cornish hens in her BRA, and topped with stuffing consisting of puréed onions, celery, LIVER, and bread crumbs. This was all topped off with a Pooper Bowl helmet… an 18-lb TURKEY… and the Hash gods were pleased.

2003 — Donut Holer

2004 — Head Sucker

2005 — Puke

2006 — F*ck Me Running

2007 — McPisser

2008 — Heartache

So thereth McPisser waseth, in shiggy up to hereeth — having absolutely no clue who to giveth the award to when the time cameth. Tradition beckoned that it be given to a female, so a few noble harriettes were selected out of the fold and the pack allowed to vote on it. Towards the end of the voting someone random yelled out “Heartache” and the crowd went crazy for the curmudgeon. Heartache was made into the McPisser version of the Haggis, which included vegetable oil, eggs, oatmeal, Buttermilk, currant jelly and chicken livers. Not even close really, but still very funny. Then the Haggi from the “worst Haggis” competition were dumped upon him which included some form of cat food. And so it was that Heartache was covered with goo and all was well, and the Hash gods were pleased.

2009 — Grind Slut

The Pooper Bowl receiveth a most impressive overhaul and refurbishment at the hands of AssGrabber, who kindly stored it for Heartache and decided it needed professional attention. The ceremony of anointing Grind Slut had an extensive preamble of a selection process, that gaveth a number of deserving hashers some moments of concern. But the worthy recipient was eventually ensconced upon the throne. A slight “amuse bouche” was presented, in the form of a complete box of M.R.E.s left over from feeding the unfortunates who were displaced in Hurricane Ike: a small can of spaghetti, chocolate pudding, dry cereal. The main course was pancakes: flour, buttermilk, eggs, finally topped with maple syrup and whipped cream. And the hash doth looked at this and deemed it to be good.

2010 — Rain Bitch

2011 — Ass Grabber

2012 — Spin Cycle

2013 — Dick ASSLEY

2014 — Unlaiden swallows

2015 — Chopped Liver & Ramrod

2016 — Rancid Asshole

2017 — Top Shelf

 

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