Houston Hash House Harriers

Loony Poon at the beer mile. (Photo by DH)

Thanks to everyone that came out to help set up and cheer at the beer mile!

Hares: The Ree-Ro Crew. I don’t know all of their names. Look it up if you’re that curious, asshole.

This was somewhere south and the weather was really nice. I walked most of it with my On-Sec counterpart Dick ‘the clown from midtown’ Assley (I don’t know if he lives there) There was a golf course and sewage. DA kept trying to grab my peenie but I wasn’t having it. Seriously, if you’re ever on a trail with Dick ‘Ball Fro’ Assley wear a cup. Ol’ grab hands can’t get him enough testes. I hope that’s all changed. I wouldn’t know, I can’t look him in the eyes to this day.

Enough about Dick “Bleached Anus’ Assley, this run was fun and I couldn’t understand a word the hares said.

Also, interesting fact; the White House got it’s name because some Brits and Canadians burned down your presidential mansion in 1814.

CLICK THIS LINK to open in google Maps, with legend.

Hare: PP

I wasn’t at this run but I’m sure PP’s trail was pretty kick ass.

I’ve been on this mortal coil a couple years and I’ve had some great NYEs and some truly horrible NYDs. Most NYDs growing up were spent with the family eating lentil soup, ham and Yorkshire pudding. Then, I found alcohol. Lentil soup stopped being the focus of NYD and movies like Dumb and Dumber took the place of Yorkshire pudding. Ham switched to bacon and youthful exuberance for the future turned to frequent trips to the porcelain bus crying out for a quick death.

One of the worst NYDs was when Hole in 1 and I had been married a total of 6 months. The night prior I had deemed it my responsibility to play the best fucking Jenga game you could imagine all while emulating Dean Martin in his heyday. Eventually Jenga mocked my bloated, alcohol soaked corpse as I lay in a centrifugal force known as the bathroom floor.

FUCK YOU PHYSICS!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t even know if what I just typed made any sense. I’m not a fucking scientist.

The next day Hole in 1 made me attend her high school fucking reunion at none other than DAVE AND GO SUCK A FAT DICK, BUSTER(S) If you’re keeping score at home I am 9 years older than my smoking hot wife, as Mama’s Boy is want to say, so my game is already hindered by a 9 year handicap. Add to the fact that I hate each and everyone of them just for doing this you could say my first impression was that of a surly old man screaming for the damn kids to get off my lawn.

In hindsight I would trade that one day for 30 of PP’s trails.

Hares: Asswipe and some other hashers

This hash could be summed up in 3 words; Dangle Berry Dick. Oh and pedophilia. Both are 100% my fault although Dangle was a very willing partner. Soft and gentle. Like a baby panda, with his dick out.

All joking aside what better way to ring in the mono-theistic holiday weekend by running around the city’s largest park and then throwing shit in sand. I loved it. Heartache shared some of his fantastic Brooklyn Black Ops with me and I finally found god!

Ok, the beer part was true but the god part isn’t. I was raised in catholic schools, there’s no help for me

Oh hi, Satan. Do you have anything near the kitchen?

Hares:  TwinkleToes and Shigmata.

A chance for Shigmata to live up to his name.  No one found the bedpost, because no one was looking, so no one got the premium beer. On-on for more…

Live lay, Started at happy meal park, ended at full moon lot.  Was more than 6 miles.  Dangle ran out of flour.  MM Approved the naming of Death Cab for Bootie and JizzHands from the Fridays full moon.  Keg of Shiner.  People gave up and ran back to their cars when they were almost to the end.     On-after at Bubbas.

It was cold and rainy.  I was on my couch all day.  Best trail of the year.  Thanks for picking up the slack since Twinkle Toes was a wanker and chose “work training” over the hash.

4.5 miles of pure awesome.  Two beer checks!  Super Happy Fun Land was a kick ass ending and even better on after(the HashMash Party).  Probably the best hash I’ve ever been on.  D&W’s Lounge has become one of my favorite places to go.