(Thanks for writing the hash trash Brrrrrrggghhh)

GREAT being back to the Houston hash! As McP mentioned, we did get stopped by a warden who mentioned it’s a Class B Misdemeanor for our trespassing. Thankfully, and according to McP, she gave him only a warning after he showed his peter to her. She stood stunned and speechless.

Two kegs….we think they were full kegs…simply vanished just before accusations. Nonetheless, thanks to Second Hand Job for handling the beer wagon.

IFYD, French Drip and Tool Box laid a most fun shiggy trail! 5 miles in length. Two virgins. And many reboots. Here is my quick recap:

1) The walkers were out on trail for a solid THREE hours. Lost, like the crew from Gilligans Island. Hooter, in a most adamant and concerned tone, stated that someone needed to look for the walkers. Il Castrato and I laughed at Hooter’s concern as Il C. stated, “Hooter — the walkers’ rights activist.”
2) Someone set up a hanging shower in the woods. All hasher dogs joined in howling unison as they extolled Closet Freak in her pure and nekkid beauty.
3) Refer to Point #2 – Closet Freak in the nude. Pimp Dawg was called into the circle for cleansing in the above said shower and expecting that Closet F. was next to him. He saw a nude back and longer, curly hair. Imagine his surprise when his shower partner turned to face him and it was Tree Hugger!! (Insert “Sodomy” song here).
4) Butt Pirate sported his new ironman tatoo on his right calf. Quite unique. He is scheduled to do IM Texas again!
5) I congratulated Dangleberry on his marathon debut! 2:58:01. Outstanding! !!!
6) The game warden imposed her authority of our trespassing by stopping the 2nd hasher, Tender Vittles. At this point, Saran is well ahead and speeding down the embankment. Tender then yells, “Saran!! Saran!! Come back!!” Game warden says, “What’s he doing down there? He could get hurt!!!”.
7) Saran called out Just John for coming up short of tip money at the Yardhouse bar a week or so ago. Saran gave Just John the money he lacked/needed. Saran proposed the naming, “Short Tip”. Great idea! However, “Tipper Whore” was claimed as his hash name. (Which BTW, he despises…) .
At the On On On, I’m waiting for a beer at the bar while Parson’s Nose is making new friends within a few feet. One of the regulars asked me (pointing to PN), “Is he your husband?” I laughed heartily and asked PN for his answer. He replied, “Not tonight”.
9) An official paddle was given to various hashers to spank the girl whose bday is tomorrow. Closet Freak gave a whopping blow to IFYD that I think sent her to the heavens. It was harsh.
10) Many of you missed this, but about 5 hashers were pushing French D.’s vehicle from the front as it was sorta stuck in the mud. All who were pushing gave a heave-ho. One who gave an honest and all-out effort was Urban Cocksucker. He pushed and fell face forward in the mud! Everyone else kept their balance, except him. It was a complete riot to see.

Trail was great, circle was fun and there are many more stories to share….but this harriette has to hit the hay!!

On-on to more hashing and Pooperbowl next week!!!

Brrrrrggggggggggghh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhh

(Verified Official Hash Trash by Dick Assley, 1/30/12)

Loony Poon at the beer mile. (Photo by DH)

Thanks to everyone that came out to help set up and cheer at the beer mile!

Our theme is Enchantment Under the Sea — we’ll have a kick-ass band and lots of fun. Want more info? Go here to register.

We cordially invite you to the 2011 H4 Xmas/Holiday Party and Weekend Extravaganza!

Schedule

Friday, Dec. 2

• 6 p.m. — Pay-as-you-go pub crawl. Location TBA, probably Downtown

Saturday, Dec. 3

• 1 p.m. — Hash Run. Star is at the old Macy’s Warehouse at Lockwood and Munger by the Transit station. Bring cash for beer checks on trail.

• 7 p.m. to 2 a.m. — Xmas Party.
  • Theme: “Enchantement Under The Sea”. Back to the Future, ’50s prom attire, nerd chic, etc.
  • Location: Super Happy Fun Land, 3801 Polk Street. (They have crash space.)
  • Music: Allen Oldies Band
  • Food by Chorizo Polizo
  • Hash awards and gimmees
  • Prom queen and king to be named!
  • NOTE: SHFL has CRASH SPACE!!! Bring your pjs if you feel like it.
  • Cost: see below

Sunday, Dec. 4

• Hangover hash — time and location TBA

Cost

• $40 Nov. 23-Dec. 3 run — includes Saturday run, party, dinner, dancing, gimmes
• $45 at the door — includes party, dinner, dancing, gimmes

How to Register

• Option 1: Download registration form, fill it out and return to hash cash with payment.
• Option 2: Via PayPal, below. Note PayPal charges a minor convenience fee.

Hash Name/Nerd Name

Who’s Cumming!

• Meatbox + guest
• Slam Bam Thank You Lamb
• Reverse Cowboy
• Swamp Gravy
• Ramrod
• Cream on my Back
• PTP & Jane
• Dickrectionally Challenged + wife
• Tender Vittles
• Krazy Puppy
• Slap dat ass
• I F’d your dad
• no really I’m gay (sarasota h3)
• Parson’s nose
• Juices flowing
• Estrus
• Dr. Coochie
• Snatch
• Krusty
• TDTF
• Catcher in the brown eye
• Pimp Doggie Dog
• KumOnI Wanna Lei Ya
• Roadkill
• Roadkill Too!
• Twinkle Toes
• Smooth Stroker
• Menage Myself
• Narc
• Ewe do her
• John Boy
• Stop and Blow
• Vague-Rant + 1
• French Drip
• Tool Box
• Pussy Checker
• Rolllll Model
• Pound Puppy
• HorseFli Drive Bi
• Spin Cycle
• Urban Cock Sucker
• Chorizo Polizo
• Ass Swipe
• Hooter Bill
• Charles Conner (Louisiana)
• Mcp
• Cums Anyway
• Dick Assley
• Rain Bitch
• VE
• Old Faithful
• Slumbag
• Rancid Asshole
• Ring of Fire
• Susanna Kise
• Grind Slut
• Gaslyte
• Rear Layer
• Just Randy T.
• Just Roger T.

Here’s a good one… What’s wet and cold and falls from the sky?

RAIN!!!  I know some of you don’t remember what that is but it’s AWESOME!  And it’s something H4 hasn’t been able to run in in a looooong time.  I love running in the rain!  It makes the mud, sweat and beers so much better.  What’s even cooler though isthe fact that my roof was leaking.  I was pissed.  I had to sit around waiting for the repairman to come and fix my roof while all my friends got to run in the rain.  Life is so unfair!

So here’s what I know.  Dangle was challenged to only a 5 minute head start to lay his trail.  He accepted.  He did a good job of evading the hash until Geek caught him.  Geek!  Of all hashers.  I don’t even know if Geek was on trail or got lucky, but he caught Dangleberries.  Way to go Geek.

Congratulations to Tiffany for being named Amazing Technicolor Vagina (A.T.V.)!!!!  Way to go.  Who knew your vagina was like a chameleon and could blend in to it’s surroundings.

Sorry I missed trail.

On-on

AHA!  Another Tender Vittles hash! Woohoo!  Yippee!!  Rock On!  FREEBIRD!!!!

But seriously,  this trail was awesome. Dick Assley, Tender Vittles and Un-laid-en Swallows deserve to win Trail of the Year for this bad boy.

The Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall campout had ended just a short time before and this trail couldn’t have been better.  It was a nice easy 3.5 miles down south, right off the highway on the way in to town.   The area was familiar to last years post campout hash but much much drier.  In fact, it was so familiar, even GrindSlut came out to try the trail.

Trail had some falses, a back check, a beer check under a bridge an awesome ending spot in the shade of a giant hill,  something you don’t get much of in Houston.   After the beer check, most of the hounds stayed on the south side of the bayou.  They heard Dangle yelling “On-On” and excited to be on trail, but the other hashers knew better.  After about a quarter mile, Dangle came to the only water crossing on trail, which led back to the side of the bayou with everyone else.

Snatcha led circle, but gave very little, if any, fucks at all about it; which made me think it was more of a camPOUT instead of a Camp out.  Oh well.  The on-on-on was held at The Den with Urbarn Cocksucker, the best bartender ever!  Overall, it was a great trail and I can’t wait for Dick Assley to do another one.

Best Trail of the Year, ya’ll.

on-on

What can I say about this weeks hash that hasn’t already been said?   To start off, we had two virgin hares laying trail with Horsefli.  Should’ve known that some sort of sh*t was gonna go down.   Second, we were hashing in Missouri City;  always a sketchy thing to do.

The trail started like most do, in a parking lot.  The trail was pretty nice.  It included two clothes checks, the first one had Reverse Cowboy and I F*cked Your Dad switching shirts, titty tassels and all.  The second one had Platter Puss and his little blonde friend switch shorts.

The hares also provided the pack with not one, but TWO, waterless water crossings.  The good thing about the second waterless crossing is that it was really close to a beer check.  A beer check that Ass Grabber thought was a BACK check, sending him deep in to some thorny woods instead of enjoying a tasty beverage.  It was at the beer check that Lube Job had his bike stolen by Estres, who only rode  about 50 yards before he realized his legs couldn’t reach the pedals and abandoning it.

At some point I was told that Dangleberries caught the hares but since no one else was around, it could be false.

After trail, the pack was brought tasty daiquiri treats by Dick the Boy Wonder and a keg of lone star.  The hares were called in for their crimes and virgin lays.  Here CreamOnMyBack and another hasher tried to be sneaky in order to de-flour the virgins, but they were about as quiet as a elephant getting it on with your mother.

Now here’s the fun part.  Halfway though circle, being led by McPisser (when it should’ve been Roller Balls), the Misery City Police showed up.  We thought we were in a safe abandoned area of town, but since the police down there have nothing better to do, they found us.  The broke up our circle and caused a great deal of stress to the hashers, threatening to tow our vehicles and make us deal with designated drivers.  Of all things!  They didn’t realize that we are professional drinkers.  Anyway, many people like Puke and Tiny Bubbles were called and lent a hand to the stranded hashers.  Thanks guys!

After the whole ordeal, the On-On-On was held at the Kozy Korner, where the bartender had some of the biggest cans I’ve ever seen.  I mean, seriously, who knew Lone Star came in a 72 ounce bucket.  Some of the kids that went to BestFest joined us but only ICP was brave enough to come after such a crazy time with the cops.  The bar provided some delicious enchiladas and some sloppy joes to go along with the hashers getting sloppy.  After a bunch of Lone Stars, Reverse Cowboy and CumOnIWannaLayYa bought a round of “NewYork MutherF*ckers” and I knew it was time to leave.

It was a shitty trail followed by some shitty cops.  Great job guys.

On-On

After a super fun and super successful Texas Crab Hash #19, it was time to run the H4 trail.  We were particularly lucky to have Dick Assley, Dick the Boy Wonder and Ass Grabber as our hares this week.  We knew trail was gonna rock.  The pack met up at Specs off Pearland Parkway for a 4 pm start.   As they were waiting around for chalk talk, the pack was pleasantly surprised with two bag of delicious french pastries compliments of a nearby bakery closing for the day.  It seemed like it was going to be a good trail.  Dick The Boy Wonder had even done his rain dance earlier in the day and brought it some cloud cover for the hounds.  He delayed the rain from falling until after chalk talk was complete and the hounds were off.  Just then the skies opened up and the rain started falling.  Ass Grabber and the other hares loaded up the shag wagon and were about to pull out of the lot when, lo and behold, a limping hasher.  It was RamRod.  Somehow he had managed to sprain his ankle in the first 100 yards of trail.  Except for the swelling, I thought it was just an excuse to go back to camp and drink some more.

So, now that the hares had loaded up Ramrod, they were off to the ending.  But wait!  What’s this?  Another hasher is limping as the hares drive by.  This time it’s Tap Dat Ass’s sister, Heather!  That’s two hashers down in less than 200 yards of trail!  FAIL!!!!

After securing Heather for the ride, the hares headed back to DTBW’s Crab Hash camp to finish setting up.  The hounds ran north and west through a neighborhood, followed flour through a gas pipeline clearing and through a nice bit of shiggy.  They then came to Forbes road.  Here they went north to Almeda-Genoa and then things got complicated.  Some hashers that had been to Crab Hash knew that the end was going to be at the campsite.  Others weren’t so lucky.  Snatcha had almost made it to the end when she spotted an arrow from the previous trail.  Not knowing the end was so close, she decided to follow it like a good hariette.  What she didn’t know is that she was adding 3.5 miles to a 3.5 mile trail.  Over achiever.

Meanwhile, back at the camp;  Ass Grabber was finishing up his delicious chicken enchiladas and the Lone Star was flowing like wine.  Dick Assley was seen pacing for a few minutes worried that the rain had washed away trail but was quickly soothed when the pack started to arrive.

Once Snatcha showed up, circle was started.  Tap Dat Ass took her seat in the same child’s seat she sat in last year, making me want to tap dat ass even more.  There were some down downs for the injured hounds and some other accusations.  (I don’t remember them all, it had been a long weekend) and circle came to a close.  The on-after was on DTBW’s land because there were plenty of beers and margaritas still flowing from the weekend.  Over all, it was the Best Trail of the Quarter, if I do say so myself.

On-On.