Hares: Semper Bi, McPisser, Stuck on the Bone

A sizable pack convened for a late summer start on the northbound service road just past the intersection of Barker-Cypress and Highway 290.

Hares McPisser, Sember Bi and Stuck on the Bone had planned a Marine-themed run to celebrate Memorial Day and promised via email and hash hotline for a pool ending. Unfortunately, the only marine-related portion of trail was a few small drainage ditches and a man-made fountain pond in front of a newly-built residential area. Temperatures in the mid-to-high 90s, combined with four miles of concrete and little tree cover meant this was one hot trail. In fact, as newly-elected On Sec I am officially proclaiming May 25th’s hash as Hottest Trail of the Year. So Far. Officially.

The pack took off into a patch of trees just east of the start, a new office building, and headed towards H.E.B. before swinging northward into an empty field and then back south and west again under the highway. At one point we ran through a couple’s backyard, past their mud-covered, collapsed above-ground pool. “Hi Stan!” several hashers yelled.

From there trailed looped around the edge of a golf course, into a series of nicely-manicured residential streets and along a few dozen backyard fences. I think. It turns out I’m directionally challenged and I also look at my feet the whole time I run, so I don’t really ever remember exactly where trail goes. Lucky for me, this hash was well-marked and not too difficult to follow, and the checks were just challenging enough to break up the pack before allowing the stragglers to catch up.

About 3 miles in we rounded a sidewalk corner to see Stuck on the Bone in her funny hat handing out jello shots! Turns out the shot check was at SOTB’s mother’s house. Mom assured us trail was only about 1.5 miles longer and so we forged ahead, feeling refreshed.

From there trail rounded another man-made pond and headed along yet another brand-new street boasting brand-new houses. A little while later the final five hashers — Hooter Bill, Snatcha and Gus, Burning Rubber, Rain Bitch and Tits Ahoy see Muscle Phart running towards them! Muscle Phart encourages us to cut through a fence and follow a drainage ditch but most of us elect to follow true tail. Turns out Muscle Phart was right for once. But we didn’t have far to go — past the neighborhood’s security gate, cross the ankle-deep water in the ditch and emerge on the other side to find yourself just outside the backyard of our gracious hostess and hare, Stuck on the Bone. Trail was exactly as advertised and my iPod clocked the distance at 4.7 miles.

Something like 30 hashers must have washed themselves in Bone’s beautiful grotto-like pool. Ass Grabber as usual had prepared a meat-lovers smorgasbord and two kegs were ripe for the drinkin’. Circle took place around the pool’s perimeter, with down-downs occurring in the attached hot tub.

I learned the true story behind Twist-and-Shout’s name when he showed up at the pool wearing a wisp of a gauze-like white baggy loincloth and called it a swimsuit. When he was made to drink for this crime he did a little hip twist and the entire circle shouted and covered their eyes in dismay.

Newly-elected Religious Adviser Momma’s Boy was made to drink for his Decorate-It-Yourself drinking vessel, which he adorned with a cheat-sheet of hash lyrics. Yet he still couldn’t start a single hash song, relying instead on Shuttlecock and McPisser to bail him out.

Two visitors from Tampa were toasted who’s names I don’t remember but they were something like Smells Fishy and Hamburgler. (I just made that last one up.) Transfer hasher Hungry Hungry Hippo (I think? – Again, I am a blonde you know) was welcomed from Baghdad and Snatcha hereby predicts he will be popular with the ladies.

SOTB’s sister (geek name Kotne), who only cums every once in a while, was named Clitopatra for her extravagant outfit during the joint Mosquito/H4 toga run. She was named twice in one night, in fact, because SOTB was giving a car-back and was not there the first time to witness it.

And in his inexperience, Momma’s Boy called an end to the circle after only a handful of accusations, despite the fact that the two kegs were barely emptied. Many hashers grumbled at this, so once everybody had a bit of food in their bellies a degenerate circle was convened during which the accusations were lame and the songs were aplenty.

Other notable memories: a moment of silence was had for Beloved Coney; and Son of Coney, Coney Jr., was seen looking forlorn and lonely, lounging beside the pool all by himself. Spot on the Mat and her spawn were honored for making special Coney drinking vessels from which most of the pack drank. And since it was Memorial Day, the veterans of the hash were also honored and remembered. The end.

— Snatcha promises to take notes next time