Hare: Heartache

Who “won” the 2009 Pooperbowl? You’ll have to look at the pictures to find out:

• Pictures from Dickhead
• Pictures from VE
• Pictures from Pull the Plug

After much anticipation….and anxiety for some people….the day of the Pooperbowl Hash had arrived! We all arrived at the Northwest Mall just off 610 north of I-10. Much speculation began as more hashers arrived. Who would it be? What food was Heartache going to lovingly bestow onto the new recipient? How would he narrow the field down to choose a so called “winner”?  We would all find out soon enough, but first, we had a 4 mile trail to run!

Trail was of course live hared, Heartache would have it no other way! The pack gave him 15 minutes then we were off! Out of the mall parking lot we went towards the road. Down Hempstead Hwy we went till it came under 610 where we quickly found a check. Trail was soon found across the road headed into a warehouse area.

We soon ended up going into a neighborhood to run for a bit, where there was much shortcutting done by us slower hashers, thanks to you fast ones! Again we crossed over a ditch and out of the streets and onto the railroad for a bit and then back along a ditch. Holding on to the gate, my new boot Ashley and I were with several others who had slowed down to a walk since it had started getting warm. We eventually came to see the front of the pack as they were leaving the Beer Check. Ashley and I looked at one another and said, “let’s just get to the end!” So ON ON we went!

Along a street we went that eventually led us to the feeder of the new Katy Tollroad. Down the feeder we went for a bit then turned back left before crossing under 610 at some point. Back into some warehouses we went and finally found the BN mark and ended under a bridge only 1/4 of  a mile from the start!

Changing into some more comfortable shoes and grabbing my drinking vessel, I prepared myself for what was to be a fun circle and selection of this year’s Pooperbowl recipient! Heartache had lovingly set out the newly redesigned Pooperbowl with a table full of food next to it covered so no one would know the “secret ingredients”!

Circle got going fast! And a LARGE circle it was! New boots and re-boots were introduced, all the normal stuff! Accusations went quickly and were actually very few! Our RA was stingy with the keg of beer, not allowing anyone to touch it unless they were brought in on an accusation! This did not bode well amongst the hashers, as this was the only beer left since the Lone Pint was gone about 30 seconds after it was tapped!

Anyway, to the real deal at hand! Heartache requested that ALL hashers go to the opposite side, facing the Pooperbowl. Pictures were quickly taken, and our ceremony had begun! Heartache had a most interesting way of narrowing it down to a select few! He quickly eliminated hashers by groups. Those who had been hashing less than a year, those that were educators (Yeah!  I’m out!!), those wearing a Kilt (Platterpus), anyone hashing OVER 25 years, those older than 60, and so on! This left a very small group of hashers on the opposite side of those who had been eliminated!

It finally got down to 4 individuals…..Rain Bitch, Brrrgggghhhh, Grind Slut, and Closet Freak (or however she spells her name now!). Heartache called on the masses to vote and give their input. Now we all know that he just did this as a scare tactic to those left over there waiting to see what their fate was. But it was fun to see Brrrgghhhh’s face when she was overwhelmingly the favorite to win by the pack! However, Heartache had another in mind! It was narrowed down to Rain Bitch and Grind Slut.  Finally the moment had arrived! Heartache chose Grind Slut! For numerous reasons that were mentioned, but the funniest for me was simply because his wife wasn’t there to have to witness it!

So, Grind Slut slowly walked over to the Pooperbowl, much to the applause of the Houston Hash, and took a seat on his new “Throne”!  Removing his shirt, in order to save it, he prepared himself for the fun and torture that was about to begin!

Heartache unveiled his selection of food for all to see. His theme….APPLE PIE!! He asked Tonka Fuck and Closet Freak to have the pleasure of competing in Iron Chef, hasher style! To start us off, Heartache offered the women a box of the MRE’s that were handed out to Hurricane Ike victims. In the box, each of them had numerous foods to pour onto Grind. They started off with Chocolate pudding, throwing and whipping it across his chest! Next came a couple of cans of Ravioli poured onto the top of his head. Then came the potato chips, which added an interesting contrast to the other foods. A can of macaroni was placed just right onto Grind’s head almost making him look like he had corn rolls on his head!  Head?? Who said head??!!

Next came the All American Apple Pie Recipe! First, each was given a bag of flour which was poured onto his head, thrown on his chest, and dare I say…down his shorts! Next we have eggs! This is when the fun really began! Breaking and spreading them all over him was funny, but when Roller Balls got a hold of an egg and chunked it HARD at his chest, well I would be surprised if Grind doesn’t have a nice bruise there!

Of course you have to add buttermilk! Okay, now I have to admit, that was a little nasty. You could tell it was burning his eyes. And Closet Freak, being the good harriette she is, helped him clean off his eyes so he could see what was coming next! That of course was the brown sugar! Got to add that sweetness to the pie! And to make it even more sweet, Heartache threw in a bottle of syrup!

What is an apple pie without apple?? Two large jars of apple sauce, nicely poured over Grind Slut almost had completed the recipe! So what was left you are asking?? Whipped Cream of course!! As Grind Slut sat there with that grin on his face, it was now time for the drinking of the ritual beer from the Pooperbowl!

Grind gets down on the ground, places his head under the lovely seat, and proceeds to take the beer like a true Hasher!

So as we all think our day is complete and were about to head to the ON ON ON at the SRO over at the Northwest Mall, all of a sudden we notice people coming in off trail! What is this? We FAILED to notice we were missing so many hashers at the end?  Here comes Park and Ride, Lorna Dunes, and Geek as we are all loading up for car backs. That story, I have yet to hear, but I’m sure we can all blame Geek on them missing such a fun time!!

So ON ON ON to the SRO to watch the Super Bowl, eat some hot food, and enjoy some more beer! And of course, make fun of Grind Slut! 

Thanks to Heartache for a great trail, great beer, great Pooperbowl selection, and great location to watch the game! ON ON to next year…..and I pity the poor hasher that Grind has it in for!!

ON ON,
8″ Crack