Hared by Easy to Please, A$$wipe, and Gaslight

Hares are scarce these days, so our relatively new hasher, Easy to Please, graciously volunteered to lay her virgin trail on Sunday.  A$$wipe and Gaslight, two very experienced hares, offered to show her the ropes.  It was an experience that she’ll never forget. 

A 4 mile east side hash was advertised, with the promise of all the shiggy we could handle, prizes and s’mores.  What we got was something altogether different.  Will He Peter published the following email that summed up the evening’s events, so in lieu of writing a separate hash trash, I have included his thoughts below.  Thanks, WHP! On-on!

To Brazil and back in 2 weeks,
Really? F*@k!

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OK, so we couldn’t find the Marshmallows, but there were a ton of great moments at yesterday’s Hash:

1) Ball Barker proudly proclaiming at the beginning that he couldn’t stay because he was going to the DePeche Mode concert as he sipped on some Zinfandel, thus redefining the term “Macho”.

1) Master Chugger, Oleg (Pedipedifil? ) and I speculating on why the trail went long through that last neighborhood. Before we got out of it, the two best theories we came up with were:

– EZ2 Please had grown up in that neighborhood, and got out as soon as she could, but her Momma still lived there and Daddy was in jail. EZ was working two jobs to raise enough money to get Momma out and throw Daddy’s bail. The Hares ran through the ‘Hood to check and see if Momma was alright and got waylaid, but fought their way out. They didn’t see Momma.

We’ve pretty much got it down to lyrics for a country song.

– The Hares were kidnapped on trail by Gypsies; within minutes Ass Swipe had inappropriate relations with the daughter of the Gypsy King; there was a shotgun wedding, and Gaslyte and EZ2P were bridesmaids; then the Hares were released on Ass Swipe’s word of honor to return. The Gypsy King promised to find some nice husbands for EZ and Gaslyte.

2) Grind Slut and Ass Swipe at the end of the run, handicapping Hooter Bill’s arrival time, and betting six-packs of premium beer on it. Grind thought he’d be in later, Ass Swipe thought earlier. So, technically, although Ass Swipe was showing greater concern for his semi-lost Hash brethren than Grind, he would be rewarded with some tasty brew if he was right.

3) Master Chugger and John Boy at the end of the run, handicapping whether Hooter Bill would survive; then John Boy Snitching MC out in the circle. Hysterical.

4) Sundry Hashers who explained the origins of the Hooter Bill Melody as John Boy called it, including Shuttlecock, Roller, JB, Master Chugger and Hooter himself, along with some others I can’t remember. It turned into a ten minute riff that was Performance Art.

5) Gaslyte standing next to me in the circle, and telling me to get away because I was too hot, even though she was the one generating heat like a spent nuclear fuel rod.

6) Dr. Kootchie loitering around the snacks table, desperately in need of carbs, but unwilling to commit to the Ho Hos or Little Debbie Swirl Bombs. Meanwhile, the devil was whispering in her ear: “go ahead; they’re full of high fructose corn syrup; you know that you want them”.

7) Demonstrating why Hashers will be the only Tribe to survive the apocalypse, several Hashers transformed miscellaneous construction materials and waste pieces of wood into a variety of furniture items. Then we designated areas under the bridge for the living room, kitchen, bathroom and changing rooms. Then we turned hot dogs, buns and the miscellaneous stuff on the snack table into a three course meal.

Anyway. What do we learn from all this?

1) The Hash was served.

2) Because the run was long and brutal, we’ll be reminiscing about it ten years from now. If it had been two miles shorter,

we wouldn’t even remember it.

3) After some truly awesome Rants, everybody is friends again. Plus the phrase “unless we get some hares for next week, we’re changing the schedule to once a month” will now join the growing lexicon of memorable Hash Phrases, including such

gems as:

– “It’s an eeeeasy fifteen minute drive outside the loop” (Hooter Bill – describing on the Hash Line the start of a run that began in Wharton).

– “Hey, nobody died, did they?” (Grind Slut, Lube Job and dozens of other Hares after previous Death Marches).

– “It was NOT stale beer; It was Previously Owned.” (Will He Peter – Michigan Expatriate Run, 2001).

– “I was not lost. I intentionally ran an extra four miles.” (Heartache after every Hash, explaining away some disturbing

Geek-like tendencies to get lost on trail).

On On to a long weekend of back to back to back to back Hash events!

WHP