Hares:  Snatchitarriass, French Drip, Dumpster Diver

For those living a life of leisure, here’s what happened at the hash on Sunday.

TRAIL

Virgin territory can be hard to come by when you’re running roughshod over an large metropolis multiple times a month for more than 20 years. So any hare could be forgiven if hounds felt a sense of deja vu on any trail. Nostalgia is an endearing notion, a chronologically uniting emotion when deftly engendered. But too much of a good thing can lead to a hasherly ennui. Case in point: this week’s trail. Starting from the easily-accessible Happy Meal Park, flour flowed rapaciously into the Ho Chi Minh trails of Memorial Park. That would be same trails run by the r@cists every thursday during the gentle Texas summer. Cue a guileless I’m A Big Girl Now “Is this the Ho?” Pretty much, but wait, there’s more!

Eager to make their trail an educational experience, the hares elected to use their route as an interactive history lesson to celebrate commemorate the Camp Logan race riots that took place there just 95 years prior. Hounds who stayed on trail were treated to history checks, featuring old-timey photographs of what the infrastructure in the area was nigh a century ago. The hares were adamant that the matted pictures were not prizes for the FRBs on trail. Adding to the pack’s consternation, the hares even forced each hound to complete a short quiz at the On In before they could drink beer, to ensure they learned something on trail. Hashers who survived the history and the heat would find two fancy kegs of fancy beer for their consumption at the On In west of the Memorial golf course. With a whopping 93 hounds and harriettes in attendance, they didn’t last long. Trail was very hot that day though, with hounds sweating out several pounds of fluid. Why, Heartache himself even dropped two dress sizes that day.

CIRCLE

Within minutes of circle starting, it was clear some beer runs would be necessary. The most despicable drinkers in attendance displayed their fear of thirst by storming the cooler like crabs on a sinking dick. Duly erected Religious Advisor Ramrod convened the circle with the help of The Mayor of Bayswater. As is customary, the hares were first informed of their shitty trail. Not enough history! Too much virgin territory! A passel of virgins followed. The highlight among them was Just Jorge, whose favorite sexual position was “all of them!” Locically, he must thus enjoy all of missionary, doggy style, the Bosnian dick knot, rusty trombones, gorilla masks, angry dragons, 68s, 69s, 71s, farm animals, endangered echinoderms, the Gilligan grape shot, underage illegal immigrants, octogenarian vegetarians, and of course, sodomy. Reboots followed, of which there were many, and about whom nobody cares. No wait, that’s autowankers. Special occasions included Snatch Trick’s 25 run dog tag, Pull the Prick Out’s birthday (28ish?) and Heartache, who was simply getting older. At last the boring usual business was complete and the boring accusations could begin.

Pimp Doggie Dog got things started with some gay panic over imprudent flirtation, accusing Dick Assley of slapping his ass. Next time, just say thank you. Duke of Puke followed, drinking for his r@cist behavior on trail, having the audacity to shout “I think we’re winning!” when he found himself (presumably) at the head of the pack on a latter portion of trail. Pimp then took his turn drinking, for his new boots. The paucity of drink made for minimal donations into his shoe-vessel, however. Buzzkill was also accused of stupid bimbo behavior, having locked her keys in her car at the Galveston trail on Saturday. Making a trend of silly bimbos, I’m A Big Girl Now was, ah, honored for her pants made of flour sacks, but made for and excellent Hammer dance.

Returned from the AH3 boat party in Austin, Whale’s Vagina produced the purloined vessel of their GM, Moose Shocka. It was passed around circle for to wipe sweaty balls and ass upon. Everybody like the Austin hashers! I Fucked Your Dad drank honorably herself, for removing her bikini bottom casually from ‘neath her dress during circle. In a fit of historical fervor, Dick Assley attempted to reenact the race riots and punched Unlaiden Swallows. He proceeded to get his ass kicked and probably drank for it. Underage new boot Just Allison was taught the finer points of the Russian language (because she is going to go to there) with the help of Pissonya. Late arrival Jizzabel drank for having a stinky pussy, which further research confirmed is a fishy lie. Victim of Her Cum Stance wrapped things up, performing a down down for sneezing into a bucket of fresh fried chicken. Without asking permission. Without enough beer to continue into ultra-lame down downs, it was time to swing low and GTFO.

ON ON ON

After circle, the pack was directed to Bubba’s. An establishment within a short distance, the staff was doggedly unprepared for a sudden influx of 50 sweaty bastards.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

• Heartache’s birthday PC is Wednesday, topless harriettes invited, bottomless harriettes encouraged.

• The Mosquito Hash is hosting drinking practice Wednesday, venue TBA.

• All two wheelers and sport wheelbarrows: Cycohash on Saturday.