Hares:  Madame Buggerfly, Rancid Asshole, and Vague Rant

Texans are by no means famous for their wide temperature range of personal comfort. The first cold front of the season that arrived over the weekend nearly sent many locals reaching for their hoodies in temperatures that would still be considered lethal in the more boreal regions of the continent. Truth be told, Sunday was a beautiful day by Houston standards, and brought out numerous regulars, virgins, visitors, and reboots in droves. Cars, too. Half-minds and quarter-brains convened at Meyerland park, which in reality is not so close to Meyerland Plaza, as previously advtertised. Nonetheless, a standard chalk talk advised the pack to follow the WHITE FLOUR before loosing hounds into the storied wilds of Bellaire.

Trail wound efficiently to the bayou, with the large pack permitting the majority of hounds to stand idle at checks while the FRBs divined the true path onward. That true path traversed a great drainage structure where Jizz Hands found some literary trail treasure: a water worn copy of The Prometheus Deception by Robert Ludlum. Reviews of the work on Amazon are poor, citing its brazen lack of sexy vampires. Although temperatures were easily ten degrees cooler than the rest of the summer, running in the summer sun remained a taxing endeavor. Thankfully the beer check was found at the exit of the “shiggy.” If beer checks were judged by beer quality instead of scenery, this would have been one of the best. Rarely is the customary piss replaced by fancy seasonals on a Sunday trail. Bravo, hares!

Flour was found leading into a neighborhood and then across a power easement and small creek. Here, the less-balanced hounds, like Just Kylee, found the only mud on trail while attempting premature crossings. After rounding an apartment complex, the blessed Beer Near mark was found at the corner of a strip center on Stella Link. In fact, the On In was located just behind a store called DeFalco’s home brew supply. Kind of ironic, considering the trail’s title. Here there were in fact a variety of home brews for the drinking, and the pack was glad to have it.

CIRCLE

After hounds and harriettes had ample busoms time to eat, drink, purchase haberdashery, and don drier duds, duly erected Religious Advisor Ramrod commenced circle with the help of the fisherman down by the sea. Naturally, the hares were fêted and flagellated first, because their trail was, for the record, shitty. A passel of virgins followed, two of whom were made to come – not by Vague Rant – but by War Criminal. Sorry, ladies. Sole visitor from Tulsa Toasty Tits followed, adamant that she was not an Okie. She set an excellent example however, putting bare ass to ice for talking too much. Special occasions that day were for Just Aramis who was exactly celebrating his birthday, and the lovely attention whore Brrrggghhh who will be continuously celebrating her birthmonth. At last the wearisome crap was over with and accusations could begin!

Brrrggghhh drank first, for her week-old “bicycle crash bruise.” Further research indicates it was actually the result of a 69 gone wrong. Parson’s Nose thought it looked like a pussy – and if that’s the case, then please see a doctor, Juices Flowing. Just Nikki and Just Jessica then drank honorably for holding hands while negotiating a steep slope. H4: lesbians always welcome! Just Jake and Just James drank next, dishonorably for being gay? Quite a twisted worldview. Toasty Tits drank honorably, herself, for admitting she loves being naked. Hey, is it time for Voodoo Monkey yet? At the other end of the spectrum, Whale’s Vagina was accused of being a plain old dumbass for drinking a full beer without realizing his car keys were at the bottom of his vessel. That would have been quite the call to AAA. Or AA? Heartache and Indiana Bones drank next for their matching hash gashes: bloody knees. Remember, blowjob kneepads are cheap and plentiful in this state!

In an accusation sure to drive a relationship asunder, Tale of Two Titties castigated Eau de Skunk for kindasorta telling his virgin Just Nina where trail ended. Her advice: Never tell a girlfriend anythings. Words to live by, living alone. Rolling along with gay panic, Homoglobin and Ass Swipe drank for emerging from the bushes simultaneously. Gotta stagger that exit to avoid suspicion, boys! Looking for an excuse to depart and pick up her progeny, Whale Tale (or was it Blow Hole? or Unlaiden Swallows? or Jennifer Hudson?) claimed circle was boring, but was made to perform a down down first. She also drank with the hares for confusing Weapons of Mass Turbation with Tender Vittles. It would be easier to confuse a rhinoceros beetle with a Volkswagen Beetle.

This trash is going long but there’s only a few hundred ultra-lame accusations left. Just Drew drank for his short shorts, guess he was asking for it. Vague Rant also playfully lifted To2Ts, that he might show off his weigh-lifter argot, claiming he “could snatch her!” Gotta clean her first, brah. After Face of Spayeds drank for accidently booty-texting his father in law during circle, it was time to swing low and GTFO.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

• Voodoo Monkey campout is THIS weekend. Say it three times and someone will be in your face with a flyer and rego link.

• Too Drunk To Fuck loves blowjobs. Never gags, ever.

• Hares needed for 9/30, step up you lazy sots!