Courtesy of:  Mr. Chode’s Wild Ride, Dick Assley, Double Mint Cum

The time had come for Double Mint Cum and Mr. Chode’s Wild Ride to pop their cherries. Their Obi Wan, Dick Assley, gave them the talk about the turds and the pees, and they prepared to spill their seed upon the Earth. To commemorate the occasion, they invited hashers from far and wide to join them in sunny Hermann Park. After packing the rape-van / shag-wagon, it was time for chalk talk. Trail was laid in flour (natch) and there were to be a variety of dick checks and boob checks. Minutes later, the pack was off. Trail led west across the park to the corner of Rice U. Proceeding into campus, flour flowed past some confused undergrads and unstable hammock stands. Arriving soon at the the corner of the football stadium, the glorious BC mark emerged. Unfortunately, the beer was nowhere to be found. Thinking it was hidden nearby, the pack ranged about the parking lot until more trail was found. After semi-circumnavigating the stadium, the hares showed up with the van and a cooler of beer.

Hounds downed their beers quickly and carefully as CSI advised of the safe locations on campus to drink in the open, owing to his wayward youth. Returning now to Hermann Park, the hares decided to skip the Piggly Wiggly Pavilion and extend trail to Brays bayou and across the bridge, leading finally to the On In! The splendid location featured locked bathrooms, three kegs of piss beer, a huge block of colby jack cheese, and a big knife for hashers to practice birth control with.

After an initial round of car-backs, duly erected Religious Advisor Ramrod gathered his goats with the help of rum, by gum. The hares drank first for being shitty. A quartet of virgins explained their preferred sexual farm animals: Just Nelson (donkey), Just Jen (cow), Just Kristen (horse), and Just Lindsay (guinea pig). Reboots were composed of Dipshit (wanking), Meatbox (world series of mustard), Catcher In The Brown Eye (prefers AC), Just Steven (working), and Sweat Licker (in California). Jack Off The Rigor and his fellow mortician / century rider Just Jenna reminded the circle that coonass loves you. There was much to celebrate during circle as well. Blowhole received her 100 run dog tag, as Reverse Cowboy got his 50^th, which Geek nearly lost! Jizz Hands was sung his own birthday tune, and Dick Assley and Twinkle Toes celebrated their three-year hashiversaries. What a cute couple.

The majority of early accusations involved the hares, of course. Virgin hares were de-floured. They left no maps. Dick had new boots. Too many dick checks. The beer check was too far away! Not explaining the Whale’s Vagina check. Wow, do they suck.

Getting an early start on lame accusations, Ramrod drank for the despicable sin of not calling loud enough on true trail. Glory Hole and Double Mint Cum did a Russian double down down from their new sandals, using them as beer ramps. Not the worst compromise ever. Ring of Fire drank for being clueless about how to drink from a camel-bak. Which means she has great blow-job technique if she can’t bite and suck at the same time. Dipshit was next, because he brought a can of snails from Goodwill. There is no joke about this, because it’s actually too bewildering. Jizz Hands drank for being upset over getting his pecans dirty on trail. He found out the hard way that nobody wants soiled nuts in their mouth. The remainder of the notes on this page are inconclusive, except for the best hash name in history: Prom Night Dumpster Baby.

At some point during circle there was confusion about what exactly bukakke is. Let it be known from now on that it means a “handful” of men ejaculating upon the face of a woman. Now if you throw some previously shorn pubes onto her face afterwards, you’ve got a gorilla mask. Just in time for Halloween. Just Drew was confused for Jizz Hands and this was enough to get a naming started. Facts about him: Is a nanny, wears short shorts, only eats chipwiches on Arbor Day, and cries on Hamster Hannukah. Names of Mr. Belvequeer, Aluminum Butt Plug, and Miniature Whores all failed. That’s why the wheels on the bus go klunk. Things were winding down but there was still beer left, so Dueling Hamjos entertained the hangers-on with his famous zucchini impressions. Then it was time to swing low, and GTFO. The On On On was The Big Easy on Kirby.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

• Don’t miss the full moon trail, it’s in a few hours, starting at the happy hour.

• Get ready to be underwhelmed by the FALL CAMPOUT!

  • Nov 2-4 at Skydive Spaceland in Rosharon

  • BYOE, including crazy campout stories

  • Jump out of a plane and land in a naked circle!

  • Meteorologists forecast great drinking weather, zymologists forecast great hashing beer.

  • ________ guaranteed not to show up!

• If you want a campout sooner, come to Texas Crab Hash next week. Start your Valtrex dosing tonight!

• Mosquito trial Wednesday, details TBD.