Hares:  Saran Crap, Tender Vittles, and Mommy’s Little Accident

The start was at Bear Creek Park on the west side of town. Trail was laid in flour and toilet paper and went south through the shiggy to the end. The end was at a dusty lot on the other side of the dam. There was no beer check. Also there are no notes of trail.

Duly erected Religious Advisor Ramrod corralled his congregation with some help from Mr. Banglestein. The hares were promptly fêted and flagellated. A duo of virgins was composed of Just Jimmy (w/ Just James) and Just Richard (w/ Slap Dat Ass). Their favorite sexual position and farm animal, respectively, was the fainting goat. There was likewise a pair of hashers from lands afar: Orangu-Spray from Yongson, Korea and returning Dane DDD. Circle was briefly interrupted by late arriving DFLs Nappy Headed Homo (who was late) and Parson’s Nose. When advised to go left, he instead went right, claiming “a British left.” Stupid metric system. Celebrations featured birthdays of Geek and Just James, the 9^th hashiversary of Snatchatarrius, and 35^th anniversary of marriage between Parson’s Nose and (notably) absent Juices Flowing. Usual business wrapped up with a somber but fond farewell for departed dude, Balut.

Yea, then did the accusations begin. They began, fittingly, with the RA, who attempted to run over Roller Balls’ precious pooch on trail. Hashing IS for humans. Just Ken was next, for removing his shirt at the water crossings on trail so he wouldn’t have to lose a wet t-shirt contest. The himbo would drink again for his classy Members-Only jacket. Participants in the morning’s half marathon were identified next as Platterpuss and Spin Cycle. Honorably, they still did trail, however. Staying in the r@cist vein, Brrrggghhh was later accused of wearing her fancy triathlon shoes.  

Slap Dat Ass was called out next. Why is not important, as her “punishment” was doing her down down out of a dong bong. In a rare honorable down down for a hare, Tender Vittles drank next for laying an uncharacteristically short trail. In a bizarre non-sequitur, Roadkill was then accused for casually muttering under his breath that sodomy takes only, and exactly, six minutes. Yeah, if you’re an amateur. Staying scatalogical, Insane Clown Pussy was called out for peeing on Shigmata‘s fancy ‘vette. Both would then drink for parking their cars nose to nose, in a subtle nod to their occasional, but intense, frottage. As further proof to that startling allegation, Shigmata had recently installed a short throw shifter in his whip, to match is masturbatory muscle memory. Accusations advanced into ultra-lame territory from there, culminating in an accusation against Spazzberry Beret for thinking tampon strings worked the same way as party poppers. After an explosive admission like that, it was time to swing low and GTFO.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

• Show your hashmas spirit, sign up to hare December 16!

• Mosquito trail Wednesday, check MosquitoH3.com or the FB group

• Crab hash BBQ cookoff Saturday

LESSONS LEARNED FROM THE FAAALLL CAMPOUT

• Don’t play horseshoes with Masturgator

• Don’t mix Gatorade and crab cakes

• Don’t challenge Ramrod to a game of Chubby Bunny

• Don’t take a camera on the naked run

• Don’t expect the weather to cooperate completely with your jump

• Don’t go muddin’ in the landing fields

• Do plan to come next year: Skydivers at Dead Man Boogie are super-cool

• Do bring your double-rainbow enhancing chemicals