Hares: Brrrggghhh, I Fucked Your Dad, Pull the Prick Out

As unlikely as it may seem, Brrrggghhh was celebrating her 16^th hashiversary. For some perspective, here are some facts about the world in 1997 when she ran her first trail:

• Bill Clinton begins second term, selects frumpiest interns

• Can’t Hack The Sack starts driving the Red Raider

• The Angleton house in River Oaks is finally put on the market

• Harry Potter & The Sorcerer’s Stone hits shelves, hash names rapidly evolve

• James Cameron’s Titanic premiers, causing wet dreams worldwide

• A bad year for Britain: Loss of Diana, release of Spice Girls

• Hooter Bill founds AARP

To celebrate, Brrrggghhh conscripted her best gal pals, I Fucked Your Dad and Pull The Prick Out, hereafter referred to as the Three Whores of the Apocalypse. The trio went above the call and sponsored Friday’s happy hour too. Supplying a mere pony keg of Hopadillo, the babes convinced local hounds to supply everything else, with embarrassing ease. Insane Clown Pussy was tripping over himself to offer his propane heater. Trail started in that scenic and fancy neighborhood off I-45, Gulfgate Mall. Hounds arrived arrayed in their best horns, or carrying actual bicycle horns. Buzzkill costumed herself in a reductive fashion as Sully from Pixar’s Monster’s Inc. After a tempera-blue chalk talk, the pack was off across a pedestrian bridge over the highway, to a difficult check. After remembering that flour was, in fact, blue, true trail was traced along a bayou trimmed with garbage / trail treasure. Emerging at the highway, foolish zenners looked across another pedestrian bridge. The tenacious trail solvers found flour skirting the car dealerships, lined with kiddie-entreating balloons. After following faint On On calls through a colorful neighborhood, the first beer check appeared at Ingrando Park. After obtaining some Lone Star sustenance, hashers trudged on under friendly skies over pleasant pavement. Here the walkers and runners trails split, a facet ignored at chalk talk. They would recombine at the second beer check at Mason Park, where the trail meandered alongside Bray’s bayou past a scrap metal yard. This caused a bout of panicky deja vu for those who flashed back to a similar view check at the previous week’s cluster-whoops of a trail. Fortunately, the On In was close after negotiating a whichy-way (also missing from chalk talk!) at the railroad tracks. Arriving at the finish, hounds and harriettes were greeted with their gear, a dearth of piss beer, a plethora of jello shots, plus sour gummy worms! After time for carbacks and Just Josh‘s guaranteed-not-to-get-laid rape jokes, circle could start.

CIRCLE

The circle breathed a sigh of relief when duly erected Religious Advisor Ramrod rolled up from work. Eager to experience a sweaty jaunt to empathize with his congregation, the RA raced off to get some exercise before festivities began. Hasher, please. He nevertheless began with the Bum Titty Bum song. With two kegs on tap, circle was quite long and occasionally boring. The highlights are recorded here. The Virgin show starred Just Jennifer (with Takes It Up The Bronx, and his candy-colored shoes), Just Erin (who prefers doggy style), and Just Edith. Reboots featured Small Johnson (busy masturbating) and Butt Pirate (who had a repetitive motion injury, which is really the same thing). Rounding out the usual business, Snatch Trick earned her 50 run dog tag, let us all hope she gets a life. After fun times like that, what could be better?

With two kegs on tap, circle was quite long and occasionally boring. The highlights are recorded here. Buzzkill had some glitter on her lips, which as you know, means she blew a clown on trail. It is rodeo season, after all. Saran Crap was carrying his daughter’s bike horn on trail, and for this transgression he was sang There’s Only One Saran Crap, which everyone knows is a complete load of shit. Sliding further down the slippery slope, Just Josh attempted to warp straight to ultra-lame down downs, recognizing some horns in circle which were not on trail. Just Josh, next time just wait until after a Heartache accusation, and yours won’t seem nearly as lame! Ass Swipe was too injured to do trail, but nonetheless dressed at the On In as if he had ran it, because true r@cists don’t own any ordinary clothing. Still steaming from the theft of his song, Whale’s Vagina drank next for carrying his balloon on trail, and was forced to dance out Saran Crap‘s signature banana song, which although entertaining, was but a faint whisper of justice.

With two kegs on tap, circle was quite long and occasionally boring. The highlights are recorded here. Jizz Hands was lauded for wearing a hip-hop style clock around his neck, featuring a rooster on it; because it’s always time for cock. The hares had the next down down for leading trail past the Climax Lube Company without having the wherewithal to hold a beer check (…or lube check?) there. Just Josh was called back into circle for his emerald green undies, which IFYD suprisingly lunged for, only to reveal that Shit Dick Ass Balls was sporting an identical pair. A naming was then attempted upon Just Josh: Leprecock, Lepercunt, and Low-Key of Ass Guard would not satisfy the circle and the frivolity was tabled. Hind Legs evidently had a banana in his pocket, and this accusation spawned an unfortunate camel-toe and moose knuckle social for all the opaque and see-thru (oh, merci IFYD) tights wearers. The fright story of the week went to Lorna Doones however, who imparted how Geek had gone grocery shopping wearing his tights, AND NO SHORTS. Think about that next time you’re shucking your sweet corn. At one point, in describing the hares’ shitty trail, Heartahce commented that their oversight was an “epic fail.” Go ahead and flip your table, because the Most Curmudgeonly Man in the World dropped lyrics from that millenial siren and failed gospel croaker, Katy Perry. After Commodork 60 Whore drank for trying to tie all the balloons to his penis, it was time to swing low and GTFO.

ON ON ON

Further socializing and drinking occurred at Sheffields. It was here that Homoglobin learned not to bother Amazing Technicolor Vagina with advice while she’s getting schooled on the billiards table. True story.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

• Get ready for the spring campout – Beyond Chunderdome!

• Wanna get laid on April 7? All you gotta do is hare, baby…