Hares: Just Malerie, Krazy Puppy, and Tender Vittles

Just Malerie was not long for this world. Houston, that is, she’s not dying. With her nursing contract set to expire, she knew her time to lay her virgin trail was all but running out. Fortunately, while travelling to New Orleans for Mardi Gras with her faux-lesbian girlfriend EZ Chair, Just Malerie found eager and willing co-hares in Krazy Puppy and her sweet baboo, the infamous Tender Vittles. Their trail was to start at a lonely taqueria on the northeast corner of town, seemingly far from everything urban and sub-urban, but still inside the beltway. Attending hashers arrived anxious for shiggy but wary of a possible death march. Trail was purported to be 5 kilometers, or miles, or leagues, or who knows. Pull The Prick Out was concerned enough with the possibility of a ball buster that she conserved her energy by running less. Things got off to a less-than-promising start. The arrow out of chalk talk appeared to cross the busy road to some grown-over pipeline easements and railroad tracks. For a solid half hour, the pack followed phantom flour in the form of crushed concrete and lime spillings from the railroad. Eventually, a true trail arrow was found leading south into the shiggy.

Flour gave way to toilet paper gave way to thorns and occasional PI. Trail skirted a variety of utility easements, drainage structures, and nearly-runnable shiggy over hill and vale. It was a welcome respite from the flat pavement for which Houston is rightly world-renown. The FRBs found the promised Wet/Dry check and swam the bayou, only to find themselves on private property on the other shore. The remainder of the pack was led across a Geek-proof elevated pipe bridge next to the highway and into a beer check that featured an IV bag of Sex On The Beach. Heartache swore it was a colostomy bag, gotta go with what you know. Entering the woods anew, a bountiful harvest of trail treasure was revealed: Russian art omnibus, Merle Haggard cassettes, soiled cowboy hats, and a case of dust masks. Like Christmas! Toilet paper wound to the north now, passing a passel of old-timey holiday forts in the woods. After weaving along the south side of the bayou, the trail terminated in a muddy field and residential trash dump. Here there was beer the color of piss and the color of poop, and a great selection of tacos. G be praised. Total distance: about 6 miles. Perfectly acceptable when you have an extra hour of daylight!

CIRCLE

Ramrod began in the customary manner, introducing the hares. Afterward, Just Malerie was introduced to a bag of flour in her hair. Cuntratulations! Cautiously, the virgins entered the circle next. Two babes this week: Just Valerie (w/ Anal Cum) and Just Becca w/hubby Just James. The latter would drink next with the reboots, having discovered masturbating, Roller Balls had been avoiding TV and Just Rho had the shittiest excuse of work. What a bunch of wanks. Special celebrations featured Pull The Plug‘s 70^th birthday (complete with Grand Canyon transit) and Roller Balls‘ 22 year hashiversary. Let us pray he got a life. And with that, usual business concluded, opening up the circle for…accusations!

PTP made a quick return, for being a masochist (honorable?), and following up his Grand Canyon trek with a foolhardy TV trail. Surely, he is an S&M man. Vagineer was rightly accused next for pissin’ and moanin’ about how he’d much rather do a boring old run than negotiate a some shiggified terrain. Just Malerie was made to drink for screwing up chalk talk’s arrow so badly that Geek, of all hounds, found the first mark! Loofah and Manwich were accused of following the lime marks on the railroad, mistaking them for flour. Let that be a lesson to all hounds and hares! Homoglobin was honorably recognized for carrying his basketball trail treasure for half of trail. Except for him it was all of trail, as he autowanked to the beer check! Owing to the steep and slippery terrain, Rimshot did a down down for (accidentally?) mounting poor dog Pogo on trail. What happens on trail, stays on trail. No it doesn’t. This led to CSI‘s fashion down down, for dressing the same as his dog, which he put up to late laundry, but we know they actually shop together. Just Val was honorably recognized for stripping on trail, but would not grant the circle the pleasure of seeing her swinging tits.

The hares then drank for laying an educational trail, letting all the hounds learn proper noodling technique, which Unlaiden Swallows was very curious about. This week’s winner in embarrassing out-of-context quotes comes from Jizz Hands, who spake “I can’t get my hand far enough up my ass to massage the right muscles.” He should have asked for help from this guy. Next, Just Malerie was accused of being a wishful squirter, and aren’t we all? This led to a naming, where circle learned she was from Iowa, is a large-breasted nurse, and also talks in her sleep. Naming suggestions were not remembered, as they all paled in comparison to the explosive winner: Field Of Creams! Post-circle discussions led by Just James and Vagineer innovated a coda to her new moniker as well: If you touch it, she will come. Descending from the emotional high point of circle, Agènt ProvacaTurd drank for trying to arrange harriettes’ carbacks on the handlebars of his moped. Then it was time to swing low and GTFO.

ON ON ON

The On After was conveniently where everyone was already parked, at the taqueria and the adjoining nightclub. Cheap tacos and free pool abounded, and someone even got laid. Everyone could hear it too!

ANNOUNCEMENTS

• March is apparently Go Fuck Yourself Month. Get out there and celebrate!

• Green dress run Saturday, ask the universe for details.

• Want flour flowers in your hair? Sign up to hare! As early as April 7.