Courtesy of: Ffigawi, Ass Swipe, Duke of Puke, Pearl Necklace

Trail started across the street from Ring Of Fire‘s stately abode. After pounding pavement through Le Montrose, trail ended in the backyard of Duke Of Puke‘s modest mansion. For better or for worse, it was just that eventful. Let’s go to circle, shall we?

CIRCLE

Duly erected Religious Advisor Ramrod corralled his congregation with some help from a Lobsterman down by the shore. As is custom, the hares drank first for their dazzlingly shitty debacle of a trail. For many new boots in attendance, this was their first glimpse at names of the said but never seen in the likes of Ffigawi and Pearl Necklace. Oh, that’s who they are! Following the time-tested recipe, virgins drank next. The trifecta of Just Rob, Just Doug, and Just Sarah in circle was a veritable Ginger Apocalypse, coming up next on SyFy. Interjecting for a moment, Grind Slut appraised the circle of Ho Cheese Man‘s improving condition. He is grateful for the hash’s support, and could really use some visits from good friends (i.e. titties in his face). This was naturally concluded with a savory round of My girl’s a vegetable. Visitors came from home and abroad, featuring Crotch Thumper from Lexington, KY, and What’s His Name, a forgettable man from a forgettable city, Paris. Transplants were comprised of Dipshit-progenitor Just Roger from Long Beach, and Sir Dance A Lot from San Antonio. A smattering of reboots followed: Narc – closed the old folks home, Homoglobin – breast milk ran out, Hole In One and Too Drunk To Fuck – it’s the playoffs, eh?, Spin Cycle and Horsefly Drivebi – Alaskan meth adventures, Just Chris – sex reassignment surgery, EZ Chair – mastador sled dog racing, Backseat Yogurt – scheisse porn, Pearl Necklace – busy brewing! If you thought that was a long list, get a load of these analversaries: Estrus and TDTF – 40^th birthdays, Platterpuss – 5 years hashing, Pearl Necklace and Juices Flowing – Mother’s day, and McPisser – getting TXIH 2014 to Houston. Finally, at the conclusion of that usual business, it was time for accusations! But not before the 1^st Anal Insane Clown Pussy cooler award, which went to Parson’s Nose, who approached him with the secret pass phrase “I love boobies.” Of course, if you talk to certain hariettes, you’d be forgiven for thinking he says those words 24/7.

The first accusation was aimed at Ring Of Fire, apparently for walking outside? The On Sec needs to take better notes. Regardless, she was sung big old boobies because nobody doesn’t like those. Dipshit drank with Just Roger for hashing as a family but leaving out dear, old mum on Mother’s day. She was probably busy with my grandfather’s cock. Just Chris was called in next for what turned out to be his naming. While making too much racket in the middle of the night at TXIH, Chief Wounded Wiener had threatened to turn him into a “proper woman.” A classy name like that is too good to pass up; cuntratulations, A Proper Woman! Likewise did Chopped Liver (née Just Katherine) explain her naming there. As in “what am I?….” You know what they say about asking stupid questions. More from TXIH, Spot On The Mat lost her r@cist panties. Just how fast do they come off? Duke of Puke was called in for doing his best Clevland-kidnapper impression, having apparently imprisoned Hind Legs in his outdoor sex-dungeon. Next, Crotch Thumper and Whale’s Vagina held a Great Hash Migration (Kenya 2012) reunion to the vigorous tune of Black Pussy.

Late arrival Booby Trap (or is it Party Boob? Get that mirror out of here) was recognized for almost losing her hash bag. The good news? She finally learned those bum-titty-bum motions. A late beer run by the hares then featured that Prince of Ales, Texas Select. At 0.5% alcohol, it’s guaranteed to impress like a Mormon on prom night. After a social for mothers in circle, there was a tribute to all the mother-fuckers. Things really spiraled into ultra-lame territory at that point. For instance, A Priest Hole drank for failing to recognize lesbian foreplay. Thank you, National Geographic channel. Now before it was time to swing low and GTFO, H4 erections are cumming! Here’s a quick rundown for those interested:

Joint Masters: Manage H4, plan events. You can’t do worse than this year’s crew.

Hash Cash: Take money, keep stats. Must be responsible. Usurers not tolerated.

Religious Advisor: Sing the songs, frighten virgins, arouse visitors. Ham it up.

On Sec: Fight off the groupies while trying to write hash trashes. Good luck.

Haberdashery: Experience in the rag trade preferred. Fondness for foot logos good.

Web Mistress: Fend off spambots, maintain website, tweet the twats, etc.

Solicitor General: Represent MM in federal cases, often referred to as “the 10th judge.”

ON ON ON

The On On On was at Griffs, where there are bar games aplenty. Legend has it, the fates of global petroleum concerns have been bartered over the corn hole sets there.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

• Mosquito trail Wednesday

• Homoglobin really likes breastmilk. REALLY

• PROM is this Sunday. Don’t forget to dress up!