Courtesy of: Whale’s Vagina, Unlaiden Swallows, and Booby Trap

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the best trail of the year. That’s a tall order for a trail without shiggy or boob checks. But it did have a whole roast pig, formally-costumed harriettes, cross-dressed hounds, coronation headgear, prize beers, pre-made Brass Monkeys and…ahem…slut juice. Whale’s Vagina unsettled in his old age, sought to reenact that culmination of the American high school experience, prom. He sought out the classiest harriettes for help, and also settled for the expert services of Unlaiden Swallows and Booby Trap. Trail was essentially an afterthought, as this occasion was clearly an excuse to hang out in funny costumes and get drunk. As such, trail was a pavement pounder, less than 4 miles, out to the beer (and AC) check at Taps for a pint of Lone Pint, and back. This did not stop a handful of r@cists from ranging and getting lost. Within an hour, nearly the whole pack had returned to the friendly confines of Happy Meal park. Here there were libations aplenty (yes, aplenty!) and homemade prom cake and homemade prom salsa. Hounds and harriettes worried about overheating on trail also took the opportunity to don their prom outfits. Curiously, of all the hounds who dressed up, more than half took the opportunity to cross dress instead.

CIRCLE

Much to the chagrin of a randy Whale’s Vagina, duly erected Religious Advisor Ramrod directed the pack to circle up across the parking lot away from a children’s birthday party. While waiting for the RA to get properly attired, Tender Vittles uh, entertained the assembly with a new song about wearing women’s clothing. Listen for it in the upcoming remake of Mrs. Doubtfire, starring Tyler Perry. Naturally the outstanding hares drank first for their outstanding trail. At this point, Geek intervened to take nominations for next year’s mismanagement positions. All in attendance described the process as efficient, intuitive, and orderly. They also described Busch Lite as sweet nectar, so who really knows? In traditional Geek fashion, he finished quickly and regular business resumed, starting with the virgins: Just Steve and Just Rob. They picked the same preference for sexual position, the Double Dutch Rudder. The reboots were too many to recount. We look forward to hashing with them anyways. Visitors featured the famous Hog Straddler, New York Yankee Vote For Pedro, and Texas Interhash royalty Yellow Rain & Crouching Tiger, Hidden Jacob. They performed their famous tip-touching song and dance. The lone transplant was Backseat Joystick from Vientiane, Laos. The On Sec is still researching jokes about Laos. Analversaries and celebrations included Snatch Trick who quit inspiring America’s youth, and Platterpuss‘s 5 year hashiversary. Dog tags were distributed to Duke of Puke (150), Unlaiden Swallows (100), and Hooter Bill, with a whopping 1669 trails. To put that number in perspective, that averages out to one trail a week for more than 32 years! Surely the following accusations would fail to impress more than that.

Re-minted Ironm@n Ass Swipe got things started by recognizing the Iron Hashers from the previous day’s 16 hours of Brass Monkey events. Whale Tail was then chastised not just for sitting in circle, but for doing so upon a pink yoga mat. Meatbox proceeded to demonstrate a proper downward dog. True fact: most men desire control, but yogis control desire. Hashers desire beer. The On Sec was called in next and note taking was supervised by some visitors. Their notes, verbatiim: And then Whale’s Vagina got fucked in the ass by a horny marmot. He nibbled on the balls and dove into his asshole thinking it was his burrow (some call them holes). At one point, the marmot was gonna eat his liver but then realised there was more nutrition in his semen filled stomach. Hmm, that would explain the marmot-breath.

At last, the time had come to annoint the prom royalty. The hares selected a top three in each category, and the circle voted for the winner. For prom king, Pull The Plug managed to top out Son of Pill Pusher and Just James. He received a kickass crown and a bomber of Miracle IPA. For prom queen, a feisty Amazing Technicolor Vagina bested the likes of Krazy Puppy and Buzzkill. She was rewarded with a terrific tiara and a bomber of Tramp Stamp Belgian IPA. Best cross-dressed came down to A Proper Woman‘s little black dress, Beezur Wilson and his momma EZ Chair‘s matching polka dots, and a victorious Tender Vittles for his charming yellow sundress and wig. As a tranny, he’ll need the Lubrication black ale and fancy vessel to drink it from. There was yet another stupid bimbo award for IFYD, who gloriously misinterpreted x-dressing as x-rated dressing, and all were fortunate for it. Her fortunes were rewarded with a bomber of New Belgium’s Lips of Faith.

The hares drank next for losing a super-sequined Brrrggghhh on an untraceable trail. During their ensuing down down, Booby Trap floured with a flourish, and then a spilled beer further ingrained her triumph into her hair. After a few hours of washing, most of the flour is gone from her follicles. There wasn’t enough beer for ultra-lame accusations (yay?) so Whore-o-Scope drank last for trying to open a beer on a dog’s asshole. True story. After that, it was time to swing low and GTFO. But not before enjoying a fresh roast pig (yay!), courtesy of Rancid Asshole and Grind Slut. Look for those three again at the upcoming Spring Campout! Also IFYD bought some beers for everyone on her own dime.

ON ON ON

The On On On was back at Taps, where drink will flow and blood was spilled. Seriously, it was a great time.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

• What are you gonna do with your Memorial Day weekend? Full moon trail Friday! Galveston and EatMe trails Saturday! No hangover on Sunday!

• Not too late to sign up for Spring campout, too late for gimmes tho 🙁

• Never too late to nominate for mismanagement erections…

THIS WEEK IN HASHTORY

• 1989 – Founding of Bakersfield, CA H3

• 2003 – Founding of Pudong China Full Moon H3

• 1946 – After surviving WWII, Hooter Bill finally old enough to drink