generic sans-serif;”>Courtesy Of: Dick Head, mind Dickless Tracy, Silent Dick, and Dick The Boy Wonder
Do not adjust your computer screen! We interrupt the regular broadcast of your hash trash brought to you by Whale’s Vagina to bring you a way more awesome trash by Booby Trap!
In other words, Whale’s Vagina is a lazy bastard (probably because he’s from Austin or because he’s really old) so he delegated the task of writing hash trash to the very obedient Booby Trap.
TRAIL (aka the boring part)
Roughly 60 hounds gathered at Terry Hershey Park on a wet dreary day, eager to vote for Mismanagement and the best and worst of trails. They braved the torrential sprinkles to cast their ballots. All were quiet and serious, the gravity of their voting decisions weighing heavily on their little half minds. After official business was handled, the hares released the hounds. According to the racists who actually ran trail, it was mind-numbingly boring. How boring? More boring than spending your birthday with a Jehovah’s Witness (For those of you that don’t understand THAT joke, substitute “more boring than being a midget at a theme park”).
The crippled and lepers, however, found the walkers’ trail delightful. 101 Donations and Booby Trap squealed with glee each time a little bunny wabbit emerged from the brush (and they weren’t even faking it!) That’s enough about trail, because no one really gives a shit. Who reads these anyways? (No offense, Whale’s Vagina).
CIRCLE (aka the fun drinking part!)
Resident Uber Nerd, (I mean Religious Advisor) Ramrod, donned a sparkly purple turban and matching robe. All agreed it was hard to recognize him with clothes on. Before circle could begin, a charming father strolled through circle with his infant daughter in tow. The ooos and ahhs from the ladies were drowned out by Whale’s Vagina yelling “Hold me back! Hold me back!” (It’s just a song, eh?) The hares, Dickless Tracy, Dickhead, and Silent Dick, were called into circle. What a bunch of…lovely hares. After drinking for their S-H-I-T-T-Y trail, reboots were called forth. One after another trickled in, including all 3 hares, until half the bloody circle was dismantled! Introductions and lame excuses were given. The hares claimed they spent a year scouting today’s trail. Suggestion, maybe next time spend 2? Visitors, Massive Slut Slinger, Crouching Tiger Hidden Jacob, and The Artist Formally Known as Yellow Rain, were recognized next. There was some confusion among the royal couple as they debated if they should stand ass to ass or tip to tip. Birthdays were next, but the impromptu on sec was getting a beer (or flirting with a hound (or BOTH)) so uhhh…yeah…some old people got older…YAY?
Then it was time for the esteemed best and worst of trails to be announced! Drum roll please! The best trail of the quarter…..the Texas Revolution Hash! Second place was tied four ways, but the only trail worth mentioning is PROM. And for the worst trail a landslide victory for Just Katherine’s Virgin Lay (surprise, surprise). Runner up: Hooter Bill’s birthday hash (which was nearly identical to the week prior PROM trail…congrats Whale’s Vagina, Unlaiden Swallows, and Booby Trap for laying a best and worst trail?)
Nonsense aside, it was now time for the results of Erections! The first three categories were suspenseful nail biters. Results as follows:
Joint Masters: McPisser and Horsefly Drive Bi
Hash Cash: Hind Legs and Pull the Plug
On Sec: Whale’s Vagina and Brrrgghhhhh (Insert On “secs” jokes here)
Finally, it was time to learn who would replace our beloved RA Ramrod. Tender Vittles and Platterpuss, the only nominees, took to the center, staring each other down with hatred in their eyes. “And the winner is……Platterpuss!” Tender Vittles fell to the ground overcome with defeat, but his sweet lover came to comfort him. Krazie Puppy was jealous and pulled Merlin back. Ramrod stripped his robe and headdress (slower and more sensual next time please) and passed on the garments to Platter. Platter was then iced, conied, and blessed with beer and backwash by all the former RAs. Congratulations on your herp- I mean new position, Platterpuss!
FINALLY after all the boring shit, it was ACCUSATION TIME! Ramrod, jealous that he could no longer occupy the spotlight was quick to begin accusations with a longwinded and very r@cist complaint against the hares. Heartache called in last year’s Mismanagement but everyone was quickly distracted by Whale’s Vagina’s nipple revealing top (including the on sec so the exact nature of the accusation cannot be determined. According to Rim Job Bobbie, these mesh shirts were popular in the 80s back when Whale’s Vagina was in his 20s). Will He Peter stepped up next. A direct quote from the on sec notebook reads “OH GOD NO.” The ensuing accusation was surprisingly concise but not very funny (improvement?) Heartache drank next for flirting with dogs on trail. Apparently Scottish women aren’t much in the looks department. (Is this why he never bring his wife?) EZ Chair called out Saran Crap for his lace lined manties. Saran Crap, apparently donned the tighty-whities in an effort to compete with Crouching Tiger Hidden Jacob’s infamous running undies. He asked, “Are my undies as cute as Jacob’s?” Naturally Crouching Tiger was required to drink alongside Saran Crap. The crowd demanded the touching tips song. Saran Crap, who evidently never witnessed the notorious song, joyously agreed only to run in fear when he realized the nature of the dance. Yellow Rain looked on, writhing with jealousy. Saran Crap mysteriously disappeared and has not been heard from since…
Just Edite was called in next for her poor driving skills and affinity for blatantly running red lights both on foot and in car! A naming of Red Light Special was once again suggested and this time it took. On your knees!
***Intermission for police***
Circle resumed. Evidently, a black guy in black pants broke into several vehicles in the nearby parking lot. Hey look guys, Platterpuss is a black guy in black pants! Will He Peter eagerly declared he had a song for Platterpuss. Everyone groaned as he began the song, “him, him…” (a mother fucking repeat) but suddenly the stars all aligned, Zeus smiled upon the hash, and for one brief shining moment Will He Peter was not only concise AND timely but also hilarious. “Him, him, profile him!” Congratulations, WHP! (That’s code for quit while you’re ahead).
As circle was nearing a close, Whale’s Vagina accused Tender Vittles of “stealing my woman!” The accusation fell flat, but Tender Vittles took the opportunity to point out the striking resemblance between Whale’s blow up woman and Booby Trap. The hole-free blow up doll was then dubbed Party Boob. While Booby Trap feigned outrage, she was secretly pleased because her greatest fear is going an entire circle without being accused of anything. This is probably why she wears low cut tops. What a(n attention) whore!
By the way, while the on sec was in circle, she passed the notebook to Whale’s Vagina. He took this opportunity to write “W’s V is gay!” (No, I’m not kidding). Congratulations on coming out of the closet!
At long last, the keg was dry and the circle was bored senseless. Many a hasher grumbled about the lack of excitement…when SUDDENLY Roll Model lost her footing in the mud and fell – nay DOVE – head first into Booby Trap’s vagina. If it weren’t for the loving embrace of poor Booby’s vag, Roll Model would surely have face planted into the metal railing. Booby Trap was declared a hero among harriettes for her heroic pussy. For many hours after the incident, hounds thanked her bruised vaginal region.
ON ON ON(aka the extending drinking part!)
The on after was at Watson’s House of Ales, where hashers enjoyed tasty food and pool. Some other shit happened, but the on sec was utterly exhausted of on-sec-ing, so use your imagination and insert whatever you want here__________________________________.
Your one-and-only-big-boobed-impromptu-NEVER-AGAIN-on-sec,
B(oYo)by Trap/Party B(oYo)b
Oh yeah, thanks to Unlaiden Swallows for hash flash (and also Dickrectionally challenged for the photos I stole off your hashspace)!
ANNOUNCEMENTS
[Okay, there’s only one. Again, the on sec was on-seced out at this point. Serious kudos to Whale’s Vagina for doing this every week. It’s not as easy as it looks!]
The June Fool Moon hash is June 24that 7:00pm! Runs thru downtown; make sure you’re up to date on your tetanus shots! Use the buddy system!