Courtesy of: H4 Mismanagement and Special Teams

FRIDAY

Despite the venue being so close to town and tapping kegs as early as 2PM, hashers trickled in slowly until about 6, when everything accelerated. They quickly acquired their gimmes: T shirt, pull top bag, waterproof neck bag, personalized camping utensils, ID badges, neck koozies, and of course, condoms. After stowing their gear and pitching their tents, it was just in time for Geek‘s get acquainted trail. This event served a double purpose: getting hashers acquainted with each other as well as the location. Beyond Chunderdome was held at Rio Bravo motocross park: a location suitable to the theme, as it incorporates motorcycles with unwashed degenerates prone to speaking in grunts and flatulence just like in those Mad Maxwell movies. A tasty keg of Karbach Hopadillo was tapped after trail. After circle, it was time for dinner and drinking games including beer bong and dodge beer, pool shenanigans and keg riding, and a song circle around the campfire. The highlight of the evening may have been Homoglobin‘s Barbie Jeep Power Wheels, pilfered from his children. Hashers large and small got good drunk driving practice driving the electric car of the future.

SATURDAY

Saturday began with some hangovers nursed by surprisingly delectable ziploc-bag omlettes. With some extra time before trail, Will He Peter and Whale’s Vagina hosted the 2013 Hash Olympiad. Teams competed in front of shaded spectators in a variety of events: egg toss, singles & doubles sack races, chubby bunny, and banana & taco cleaning. After lunch and more lollygagging around the pool, it was time for Saturday’s Ball Buster trail, hared by the infamous Little Pussy.

It turned out to be wonderful. Despite being extraordinarily hot, in fact the hottest day of the year, runable shiggy and a swift water crossing kept things interesting. Public Service Announcement: If you plan to hash anywhere in Texas in summer time, you would do well to invest in a personal hydration system. It could very well save your life, or a sexy stranger’s. Okay, back to business. Those who took the eagle split did another two miles, because they are gluttons for punishment and get off on horse fly bites. There was also a lot of barbed wire. Barbed wire?! Now for a word from this trash’s sponsor:

Hey folks, Bob Wyer here. Come on down to Bob Wyer Toyota & Scion in Worcester this Flag Day weekend for great deals on the all the latest models. Now offering up to $1500 off this year’s Scion FR-S! Free hot dogs and balloons for the kids. No old people though, they’re not covered by our insurance.

And now back to your regularly scheduled trash. Circle was a lot a fun, so much that it was an attractive nuisance. Many minors milled about the circle’s perimeter, getting cheap thrills from the casual swearing and praying for a booby flash. Handfuls of hashers tried to persuade their parents to disperse them, to minimal results. One denizen of Rio Bravo stood out in particular. He was fat, bald, smelly, of poor manners and articulation, a white trash piece of shit asshole (sounds like paradox, but seriously he was) belligerent bastard literally looking for a fight. ATV gave him a verbal one. Sensing mounting drama, H4 mismanagement elected to put circle on hiatus and retreat to the privacy of the shelter and pool to enjoy the roast pig dinner. Trying to make a compromise, Rio Bravo’s owner (shortsightedly) expelled beloved EZ Chair to appease his dickhead regular customers. He later rescinded his decree. As the night devolved into drunken grabassery, sources indicate the dirtbag clownboner actually had a fistfight with his friend/neighbor. They both sat crestfallen at their penis-compensating trucks glumly observing the whimsical merriment occurring just out of sight that they might have been invited to, were they not such turd-gobbling cock bags. At midnight, it was time for the crown jewel of the weekend, the Chunderdome naked trail. First it was time to finger paint each other with glow-in-the-dark paint, which turned out to only glow under blacklit darkness. But the real fun is in the finger painting, so IDGAF. Birthday hare Spin Cycle and regular hare Whale’s Vagina led the naked rabble across the race course, down slippery slopes lubed in basil & garlicky blood, past furious mutants wielding floury biohazards on noodly weapons, and under overhangs where marauders pelted them with whiskey shots. An extra-splashy circle was convened in the pool. Things naturally descended to the usual comically romantic misunderstandings and whiskey dickery.

SUNDAY

Hashers in camp woke up wet, and not just from peeing themselves. A steady, if cooling, rain had descended on the region making the morning mucho muddy. Instead of a morning hangover trail, general cleanup was the order of the day. Super-satisfying breakfast tacos made it much more bearable as well. Brrrggghhh actually showed up extra-dry, having gone home for the night to sleep in her own warm and dry bed. Thanks for the invite. The sun eventually broke through though, and provided more sun-drenched pool hours as folks rolled in for the H4 Sunday trail, hared by Ramrod and Save A Horse Ride A Mole. It was frankly surprising that any of the campers did trail, as there was great entertainment to be had in the pool. It turned out to be a relaxing hangover-style trail nonetheless. Ramrod made his last circle as an RA a memorable one. Except there are no details from it because the On Sec forgot his notebook. Who would ever vote for that guy again? After many hours of cleanup, it was finally time to swing low and GTFO.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

• Austin Boat Party is at 33% capacity, rego now before it’s too late!

• H4 Mismanagment erections on Sunday. Make your campaign donations now!

• Mosquito Trail Wednesday: Ms. Texas Interhash Birthday!

THIS WEEK IN HASHTORY

• 1990 – Founding of Adelaide Hills H3

• 1998 – After having his civil union denied, the sunny and happy-go-lucky Heartache vows never to express happiness again.

• 2012 – McPisser & Fucking Tree Hugger play Simon of Cyrene and Jesus of Nazareth