THE HASH STARTED AS USUAL, ONLY 35 MINUTES LATE, WITH OUR HARES SHOWING UP ONLY 20 MINUTES LATE. THE ONLY SAVING GRACE WAS THAT THERE WAS A KFC NEXT TO THE START, AND I WAS ABLE TO BUY A 20 PIECE BUCKET AND SLAM IT HOME BEFORE THE START. "PIPES" ARRIVED CLAIMING TO HAVE BEEN ACCOSTED BY NOT ONLY THE CITY POLICE, BUT ALSO BY THE RAILROAD POLICE. THE CITY POLICE WERE EVIDENTLY CHASING "HOOTER" BILL, AND RESIDENTS WERE CLAIMING TO HAVE SEEN A NAKED MAN, RUBBING HIS BELLY, HIDING IN THE BUSHES. THE RAILROAD POLICE HOWEVER, WERE A DIFFERENT STORY. APPARENTLY, "STICKY LIPS" WAS FORCED TO PERFORM SEXUAL FAVORS (ALWAYS A GOOD THING) FOR THE RR COP IN ORDER TO AVOID PROSECUTION. "PIPES" LATER CONFIDED THAT SHE KIND OF GOT CARRIED AWAY AND WOUND UP PERFORMING THE SAME SEXUAL FAVORS FOR THE ENGINEER, THE GUY IN THE CABOOSE, "PIPES" HIMSELF, A RANDOM GUY WALKING DOWN THE TRACKS AND THE NAKED GUY HIDING IN THE BUSHES.

FINALLY WE STARTED THE TRAIL, AND I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, I WAS TOO BUSY PUKING WINGS AND THIGHS. I COULD SEE MOST OF THE PACK IN FRONT OF ME (AS USUAL). "SARAN CRAP" WAS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN - THAT FAST FUCKER ALWAYS SEEMS TO GET TO THE END BEFORE ME. I WAS ALL PINS AND NEEDLES WHEN "SUCH-A-PUSS" TOOK THE SAME "SHORTCUT" AS I DID. WE LOST ABOUT 20 MINUTES ON THE REST OF THE PACK, BUT IT WAS WORTH IT TO GET A SHOT AT THAT SWEET BUTT OF HIS. AS ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO END, WE SOON DECIDED IT WAS TIME TO FINISH TRAIL. I WAS PRETTY UNEVENTFUL ON THE WAY TO THE END, WE SIMPLY FOLLOWED THE TRAIL OF DESTRUCTION LEFT BEHIND BY THE HOUNDS AND A COMBINED TASK FORCE OF CITY POLICE, RAILROAD POLICE AND PHONE COPS CHASING THEM. USING THEIR SUPERIOR SKILLS AND INTELLECT, NONE OF THE POLICE WERE ABLE TO LOCATE THE ON HOME. THIS WAS NOT SURPRISING, HOWEVER, SINCE ONE OF THE HARES (YES, SADLY, THE ONE WITH THE BEER) COULD NOT LOCATE THE END EITHER!

AT FIRST, THE END OF THE TRAIL WAS A TOTAL CALAMITY, SINCE THERE WAS NO BEER. IT TURNS OUT THAT "TONKA FUCK" GOT STOPPED BY THE CAMPUS POLICE AND HAD TO EXPLAIN WHY SHE WAS NAKED ON THE CAMPUS WITH TWO KEGS OF BEER AND A CHEMISTRY TEXTBOOK AROUND HER NECK. AFTER THAT, THE RENT-A-COP IN A SEVEN-ELEVEN THAT SHE STOPPED FOR PICANTE SAUCE AT TRIED TO IMPOUND HER VEHICLE BECAUSE SHE BUMPED HIS SECURITY (GOLF) CART WITH HER DOOR. I WON’T EVEN GO INTO HOW SHE GOT OUT OF THAT ONE. "TONKA" LATER CLAIMED THAT SHE WAS AN INNOCENT VICTIM OF A RANDOM CRIME AND SHOULD BE HELD BLAMELESS. WE AGREED AND ONLY MADE HER DO A DOZEN DOWN-DOWNS.

THERE WERE MANY GOOD "ON TRAIL" STORIES TOLD AT THE ON HOME. THE HARES DID AN EXCELLENT JOB OF LAYING TRAIL, ESPECIALLY WITH SUCH SHORT NOTICE. THERE WAS JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF SHIGGY, BAYOU CROSSINGS, ROAD, MUD AND TREES TO MAKE FOR A GREAT HASH MY FAVORITE ON HOME STORY WAS THE ONE I HEARD ABOUT "ROLLER BALLS" STICKING HIS PENIS IN A KNOTHOLE AND WINDING UP WITH A DOZEN OR SO AUNT BITES. HE WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE GROTESQUE SWELLING BUT APPARENTLY IT WORKS FOR "SPERMINATOR" SINCE I LATER SAW HER WITH A REALLY GOOFY GRIN AND HER EYES ROLLED BACK INTO HER HEAD. YOU CAN’T IMAGINE HOW JEALOUS I WAS OF HER THAT NIGHT!

THE POST-RUN CAMARADERIE EVENTUALLY DEGENERATED INTO THE DOWN-DOWN CIRCLE. THE CIRCLE WAS A HOOT AS USUAL. ANNA WAS NAMED "GAS LIGHT" BECAUSE SHE FARTED ON TRAIL TOO CLOSE TO A MOUNTED POLICEMAN THAT WAS TAKING A SHOT AT SOME FREAK HIDING IN A SMALL GROVE OF BUSHES. THE POWDER FLASH FROM THE GUN SET OFF AN EXPLOSION THAT WAS SEEN FOR MILES, SPURRING FIVE SQUADRONS OF THE POSSIBLY DANGEROUS EXPLOSION POLICE INTO ACTION. AFTER THE EXPLOSION, "GAS LIGHT’S" SHORTS WERE STILL BURNING AND THERE WAS A BRIGHT RED FLASH THAT ACCOMPANIED EACH SUBSEQUENT FART. THUS THE NAME. AS USUAL, THE HOUSTON HASH HAD NO TROUBLE DETERMINING A NAME AND AWARDING IT WITH NOTHING SHORT OF A MAJORITY VOTE. ALSO, WE CONFIRMED "BLOWJOB’S" SPACE CITY NAME AS AN "OFFICIAL" H4 NAME. "BLOWJOB" WORKS FOR THE BOMB SQUAD FOR THE CITY OF HOUSTON, SO THE NAME WAS ALL TOO APPROPRIATE. I ALWAYS GET KIND OF CHOKED UP WHEN SOMEONE CUMS IN MY MOU….., OH WAIT, I GOT CONFUSED FOR A SECOND, I MEAN THAT I ALWAYS GET KIND OF EMOTIONAL WHEN SOMEONE GETS A HASH NAME.

AFTER THE CIRCLE WAS OVER, WE HEADED TO THE ON-ON-ON THAT WAS AT A BAR THAT I CAN’T QUITE REMEMBER THE NAME OF, BUT IT WAS A COMPLETE DIVE. IN OTHER WORDS, IT WAS A PERFECT PLACE FOR AN ON-ON-ON. I ALSO HAD A WEIRD EXPERIENCE WITH THE BARTENDER AT THE ON-ON-ON. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME IN MY ENCOUNTERS SOMEONE HAS GOTTEN "WORSE" LOOKING WITH EACH CONSECUTIVE BEER. THE ONE BEER I ALLOTTED MYSELF SOMEHOW TURNED INTO FIVE AND DARKNESS SOON GAVE WAY TO LIGHT. THERE’S NOTHING LIKE STRUGGLING THROUGH A DAY AT WORK AFTER A GOOD HASH………

ON-ON