THE PACK TOOK OFF FROM CAVENDERS BOOT CITY IN THE MIDST OF A MONSOONAL TYPE SATURATION AT EXACTLY 5:03 P.M.. THE TRAIL WENT SOUTH DOWN CAVENDER DR. THEN HEADED EAST IN A HO-HUM MANNER. AFTER A COUPLE OF CHECKS THE TIGHT PACK FOUND ITSELF IN A LARGE FIELD OF MEADOW MUFFINS COMPLETE WITH COW PIES, SHEEP CAKES, PIG PLOPS, AND EVEN A FEW PEOPLE POOPIES. WE WERE, LOST!..... BUT THEN A FAINT CRY OF ON-ON COULD BE HEARD FROM THE NORTH. IT WAS "MR. T" WHO FOUND THE TRAIL WHICH LED US OUT OF THIS DELIGHTFUL TERRAIN. WE CAUTIOUSLY TIPTOED OUR WAY THROUGH THE MUSH AND FOLLOWED "MR. T" TO THE REAR OF THE ASTROWORLD/WATER WORLD COMPLEX. "DICKHEAD" TOOK THE LEAD AND WE FOLLOWED HIM THROUGH THE "SERVICE ENTRY ONLY" GATE AND INTO THE PARK. THE TRAIL WOUND PAST THE TEXAS TWISTER, UNDER GREASED LIGHTING AROUND SOME FLYING CUPS WHICH CONTAINED REAL PEOPLE, PAST THUNDER RIVER. ALL THE WHILE, WE WERE BEING PURSUED BY ARMED MILITIA SHOUTING "MAY I SEE YOUR PASSPORT PLEASE?" "NO!" "NOW GO AWAY!"

THE TRAIL EVENTUALLY LED TO THE SOUTHERN STAR AMPHITHEATER WHERE WE ANNOYED THE 38 SOULS WHO WERE ATTENDING THE PAT BOONE REVIEW. THE TRAIL THEN TOOK US TO A CHECK AT THE "SERVICE EXIT ONLY" GATE WHICH LED US OUTSIDE THE PARK AND ON OUR MERRY WAY ACROSS THE 610 LOOP AND INTO THE ASTRODOME. BY NOW WE WERE TOTALLY DAZED AND CONFUSED AS WE WENT ONTO THE INFIELD AND FOUND A CHECK UNDER SECOND BASE. ONCE AGAIN, IT WAS THE F.R.B. "MR. T" WHO SAVED THE DAY AS HE FOUND TRAIL IN SECTION 749 WAY UP IN THE RAINBOW SEATS. WE MADE OUR WAY UP THERE AND FOLLOWED UP AND AROUND THROUGH THE SKY BOXES WHERE WE FOUND A COUPLE OF 1/2 EMPTY BEER CANS WHICH WERE LEFT OVER FROM THAT AFTERNOONS BASEBALL GAME (ASTROS 3 - CUBS 1). WE DRANK THE BEER AND TOOK THE FLOUR PATH BACK DOWN TO THE FIELD ACROSS HOME PLATE AROUND FOUL TERRITORY INTO THE OUTFIELD AND FINALLY OUT THE BIG WAGON GATE IN CENTERFIELD! THANKS TO THE HARES FOR AIR CONDITIONING THIS PART OF THE TRAIL.

AFTER A TOUGH CHECK IN THE DOME PARKING LOT, WE FOUND OURSELVES HEADING GENERALLY IN A SOUTH BY SOUTHEAST DIRECTION INTO A FIELD OF FRESHLY PLANTED POISON IVY AND DOWN TO BRAES BAYOO WHERE WE FOUND A BACK CHECK. EVERY HOUND WHO HAD MADE IT THIS FAR BEGAN LOOKING IN ALL DIRECTIONS. THE BACK CHECK WORKED BRILLIANTLY AS IT ALLOWED THE STRETCHED OUT PACK TO GET IT TOGETHER AGAIN. "LAZY WORM" FOUND THE PATH OF TRUTH AND ENLIGHTENMENT WHICH LED US INTO THE MEDICAL CENTER AND TO A PUZZLING DOUBLE CHECK AT THE WOMEN’S HOSPITAL. ALL THE BOY HOUNDS WENT INSIDE. ALL THE GIRL HOUNDS WENT THAT-A-WAY. SMART GIRLS?

ANOTHER BACK CHECK GOT THE PACK REASSEMBLED AND WE FOLLOWED THE FLOUR TO A CHECK IN FRONT OF THE LUNATIC ASYLUM. AS THE PACK BROKE INTO A CHORUS OF "THEY’RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY", A LARGE GROUP OF GURNEE PUSHING, MANACLE WIELDING, STRAIGHT JACKET TOTING ATTENDANTS WERE COMING TO TAKE US AWAY! THEIR SPIRITED PURSUIT ENDED WHEN "HOOTER" BILL PRESENTED THEM ALL WITH HIS BUSINESS CARDS AND PROMISED TO GET THEM OUT OF THE COUNTRY!

THE TRAIL THEN PICKED UP IN UN-DRAMATIC FASHION DOWN THIS STREET AND ACROSS THAT STREET AS F.R.B. "SLICK 50" FOUND THE ON HOME IN A CONDEMNED PARKING GARAGE AT 2636 S. LOOP W. THE HARES PROVIDED US WITH A KEG OF NOT SO COLD LONE STAR WITH A "CA-CA" LIKE AFTER TASTE AND A KEG OF SHINER BOCK WHICH WAS ALSO NO SO COLD! I HAVE EXPRESSED MY OPINION ON THE LATTER BEER IN THE PAST SO I WON’T COMMENT ON THE CRAP! WE WERE ALSO TREATED TO A DELIGHTFUL BUFFET WHICH CONSISTED OF SOME INCREDIBLY TASTY FRIED RICE, THANKS TO "LAZY WORM", GRAPES, BANANAS, TORTS, NUT BUTTER, TOCO CHIPS AND OTHER DELIGHTS.

SOON "SCHLUMBAG" THE R.A. GATHERED THE HOUNDS IN A CIRCLE. SHE HELD CENTER COURT WEARING A STINKY PURPLE NEGLIGEE WHICH WAS HANDED DOWN BY DENNIS RODMAN. DOWN DOWNS WERE DOWNED BY THE HARES. ALSO THERE WERE DOWN DOWNS FOR THE REBOOTS; "FRONT LOADER", "YER ANUS", "LARD COCK", AND "THE DUKE OF EARL". DOWN DOWNS WERE ALSO CONSUMED BY THE 2 VISITORS: "GRETA GIRDLE" FROM THE PARIS HASH AND "CHING-A-LING" FROM THE MANCHURIAN HASH. AFTERWARDS, PEOPLE WERE ACCUSED AND FOUND GUILTY. ACCUSERS WERE FOUND TO BE LAME AND THE CIRCLE WAS FINALLY BROKEN IN WHAT IS A MODERN ERA RECORD TIME OF 36 MINUTES AND 22.2 SECONDS!... YES!... SOMETIMES SHORTER "IS" BETTER.

A GOOD TIME WAS BEING HAD IN TRUE HASH FASHION WHEN A BOY COP AND A GIRL COP SHOWED UP AND TOLD US THAT WE WERE UNDER SUSPICION OF BEING NOISY AND A BAD INFLUENCE TO THE YOUTH OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND THE REST OF THE WORLD. "BOY GEORGE" WAVED A SHEET OF PAPER IN THEIR FACES WHICH HAD A PICTURE OF SOME CHARACTER WHO GOES BY THE NAME OF "REVEREND HUGH" ALONG WITH A SACRED INSCRIPTION WHICH READ..."IT’S OKAY!" HE THEN TOLD THE COPS TO "GET THE FUCK OFF THE PROPERTY!" THEY DID AND SOON SO DID WE!

THE ON-ON-ON WAS AT A JOINT CALLED THE ‘CHEESE LOUNGE!’ A REAL NICE PLACE TO EAT. "MUD PECKER" WAS THE FIRST ONE ON THE SCENE AND WHEN HE LAID DOWN A C-NOTE TO PAY FOR HIS DOLLAR FIFTY BEER HE WAS TOLD THAT NO CHANGE WAS AVAILABLE! THE THOUGHTFUL "PECKER" MADE A MAGNANIMOUS GESTURE AND SAID "CHANGE! WHAT CHANGE?" I DON’T NEED NO STINKING CHANGE!" AND HE BOUGHT FOR THE HOUSE. THANKS "MUD PECKER" FOR YOUR ACT OF KINDNESS TO THOSE WHO WOULD OTHERWISE NOT BEQUENCHED. NOW LET ME GET BACK TO THE ‘CHEESE LOUNGE’. THE PLACE WAS PERFECT FOR THE HASH! A FOUL, PUTRID ODOR PERMEATED THOUGH OUT! THERE WAS SCRATCHY HILLBILLY MUSIC ON THE BOX WITH A DARK DANCE FLOOR! AND THE PLACE WAS CRAWLING WITH OVER USED WHORES AND WHORE WANNABE’S. MY LAST RECOLLECTION OF THE ‘CHEESE LOUNGE’ WAS "ZOLTAN" ENTERING INTO NEGOTIATIONS WITH ONE OF THE WORKING GIRLS!