Summary of Cases. Case 1. Neurology: Grind, young male, presenting with severe caseation of the frontal lobes due to infection by the bacteria neuralgia, commonly found in city water sources like the Braes Bayou. History revealed that patient had recently leaped into the aforementioned Bayou in order to gain advantage over his fellow hashers in the last quarter mile of the hash. When asked to comment on the wisdom of his actions, patient declared that he had "done it before, and would do it again", leading consulting physicians Vibra-tits and Token Virgin to suggest that the brain infection and subsequent neurological compromise had actually begun much earlier. Differential diagnoses include repeated episodes of excessive alcohol consumption following physical exertion. No cure for this condition is known, but brilliant biomedical researcher Roller Balls recommended beer by intra-esophageal injection, 50ccs 10X daily or as needed. Case 2. Obstetrics/Gynecology: Zit, a young female, recently affianced but otherwise in good health, presented with loss of (hare) virginity. Patient was observed to be coated in pasty white substance. Path results indicate presence of yeast and organic plant material. Attending physician Pipes prescribed regular doses of beer and a red wine enema. Patient stabilized immediately and a speedy recovery is assured. Her fiancée, Suchapuss, refused to comment. Case 3. Psychiatry: Stephanie, Rice University undergraduate. Patient complained of a lapse of good judgment that caused her to miss an important meeting. During an afternoon jog, she experienced a sudden loss of control of her lower extremities that led her to follow a bunch of crazy hashers all over the Texas Medical Center instead of meeting with her study group. This episode ended about an hour later, at which time she had only the time to make a desperate phone call before a second attack caused her to join and enjoy a raucous party. Differential includes being born to hash. Attending physician prescribed a treatment of regular runs with H4, on an outpatient basis, of course. Case 4. Laryngology: Saran Crap, 27 year old male with a history of hypochondria, especially concerning throat problems, presented with a hacking cough and irritated mucous membranes following consumption of beer from the running shoe of new boot Darren Bolding. Patient engaged in prolonged whining about the destruction of his singing voice, and just after he had finished memorizing the words to all of the hash songs, but a special consult with fellow hashers revealed this to be a load of bunk from both ends. Treatment suspended pending psychological evaluation. Case 5. Toxicology: Katie, female employee and sponsorship representative for Brew U. Patient presented with a full keg of free beer. All on hand rushed to alleviate this problem, nearly resulting in complications due to asphyxiation. The timely response by H4's crack EMS team was touted by Brew U. as service above and beyond the call of duty, to be rewarded, appropriately, with more keg donations. Congratulations to the brave men and women who assisted in this daring procedure. Case 6. Trauma: Several hashers experienced fainting spells at the conclusion of Code Blue, upon learning that Geek was lead FRB. Injuries were minimal excepting a few cases of damaged pride. Most patients recovered spontaneously upon learning that he had achieved this once-ina-(code)-blue-moon feat by shaving off half of the trail and heading directly for the keg. Any remaining malaise was alleviated by the results of last Sunday's hash, where the lawnmower men had cleared several acres to the left of the on-on before his much less provocative, but more Geek-like, arrival. Case 7. Epidemiology: Several unexplained deaths at Ben Taub, early Sunday afternoon. Coroners' examination revealed that the massive loss of life was due to a severe equipment shortage, depriving the patients of necessary treatment, following the unauthorized removal of tons of wacky medical gadgets and controlled substances by a group of unidentified individuals posing as hospital staff. A preliminary investigation revealed that this heinous crime may have been an inside job; authorities now suspect an RN in the ICU of masterminding the burglary, and arrests are expected within the week. When will the madness end! Administrative Issues. The new mobile first aid station successfully treated several dozen dehydrated runners who had been led on a merry blow job the wrong way up the Bayou. The runners had been losing trail frequently ever since exiting Rice campus, due to poor weather conditions and an unfortunate tendency to follow folks like Half Moon. They expressed their gratitude as the station staff dispensed gatorade to be taken orally. Problems arose when several runners attempted to self-medicate anally, but the staff took a firm hand to the rebels, and no gerbils were drowned. The Texas Medical Center will be off-limits
to tour groups, following Sunday's incident. Area hospitals reported peculiar noises
in the street in the late afternoon. A throng of unkempt hooligans, yelling and
running around in circles, obstructed traffic and disturbed the peace for nearly an
hour. Security was able to apprehend some of the troublemakers after they foolishly
entered the UT Houston parking garage and were unable to find a way out. Once
captured, they responded to interrogation only in broken Russian, repeating
"Shitonya, shitonya, shitonya," and claimed variously to be members of the Mir
space station crew, Boris Yeltsin's cabinet, and a striking union of vodka shippers.
From their behavior, authorities determined that only one of these could possibly be
true. The offending parties were due to be returned to their native Russia on the
first of October, but managed to escape from customs officials during the strip search and
have not been seen since. Please be on guard against the possibility of a
repeat offense. |
Code Blue Run #973
Sunday, September 21, 1997 Venue: Rice Stadium, Parking Lot #13 Hares: "Pipes", "Token Virgin", "Zit
Sucker" & "Vibratits"