The Hash started in the parking lot of Sam’s across from the Astrodome on the 610 loop South near Astroworld. The weather was cool with a promise of rain. The start was in familiar terrain as the area has been Hashed several times over the last couple years, the most notable being last June 19 on the You Too Can Conceive Hash II with hares Boy George, Bildo Dildo, Two Hands Full And Geek. The run began in the shiggy behind Astroworld, a favorite place for pedophiles to look up little girls dresses on the roller coaster. I thought I saw a large jackrabbit scurrying through the tall grass; but on second glance saw that it was actually a very large rat. With thoughts of a Little Johnny joke coursing through my head we ran straight across Holmes Rd. We were about a half mile into the run without a check. The FRB’s were wild with glee and the pack was sucking wind. I knew the hares must have something special in mind. An arrow sent us over a barbed wire fence into a pasture we have been many times before. A false from a check slowed the FRB’s down a little. True trail ran in a loop back to 50yds beyond the false; then back to the barbed wire fence we crossed before. This was a stroke of brilliance as it allowed the rest of the pack and some of the late cummers to catch up. The pack gathered at the next check while the FRB’s ranged in the general direction we had been heading. Pretty Mouth found trail in the opposite direction and in, Eureka!, less used hash terrain. The next check was in the middle of an oil field; so the FRB’s had to check 270?. The site was the Pearson Oil Well. Dumpster Digger gave little history lesson here. He told us that it was the site of the first oil well in Harris county. See, the hash can be a learning experience. I decided to play FRB and went checking up a trail. A blonde female hasher was running back down the same trail, screaming to go back as there was a man with a big gun coming. I don’t remember who she was; so I’ll call her Peddle Pusher. I was about to turn around when the hunter’s three dogs bowled me over. Thank the hash gods that they were only affection starved and not hungry. I overheard the hunter remarked to himself, “I don’t believe this shit!”, as he looked at us in our running shorts and shoes out in the middle of a marsh in the cold and rain. His dogs loved us though. For Vibra-Tits, who didn’t run with us, the hunter was about 6’8” and looked like a blonde Tom Selleck. Calls of On On were heard back from where I came.
Roller Balls and I decided to run parallel to the pack; then cut across the marsh instead
of running back 200 yds. We did this in hopes of catching up with the FRB’s or
at least the main pack. The marsh won out though. The shiggy was damn near
impossible to get through. We finally crossed trail with the pack way off in the
distance. We saw Tom Selleck and his dogs again. Have I mentioned how much
those dogs liked me? Our loss was Mighty Mouse’s gain as it allowed him to catch up with us. He had been DFL up until that point. We ran to the water check on hwy288. I was about to take a drink of water from the jug when Roller Balls told me to watch out for the blood around the rim. I correctly deduced that the red stuff was lipstick; which meant Full Service was somewhere ahead of us. We crossed under hwy288. Balut had pulled a hamstring; probably from leaping over another barbed wire fence in a single bound. He opted for limping back to the start instead of taking his chances that we might be closer to the beer. We were an hour into the trail at this point. Little did we know that beer was a short twenty minutes away. Wishing Balut well, Roller Balls, Mighty Mouse and I followed trail into, for me at least, prime virgin hash country full of great overgrown trails; foul water filled drainage ditches and real hills. A check on the other side of a large ditch filled with orange water threatened to slow us down; but the sound of Thai’d One’s horn kept us on trail. Flour led up a hill to the final check and straight down to the glorious sight of the BN mark. The ON HOME was on a circle driveway in front of a
dilapidated old shack littered with used condoms. It was soon revealed as Hooter
Bill’s secrete getaway resort and sex palace. Slumbag got everyone to circle up
by promising to show us her tits again. (Damn I fall for that trick every
time!). Three new boots were welcomed to the hash. Their was so much chatter
around the circle (Hooter Bill and Full Service); that I didn’t catch their names; so
I’ll call them Huey, Duey and Luey. I did notice that they were all young
boys. I was wondering if Vibra Tits had made them cum or was it Hooter Bill? The Hares did their customary down downs. Most of the accusations revolved around Siran Crap, Manhandler and Roller Balls accusing each other of various supposed hash atrocities. My favorite was the honorarium Siran Crap gave to Roller Balls and John Boy for getting the two pez’s he had found on the floor of his pickup. Slumbag called the circle over; so we adjourned to eating the excellent hot gumbo that Tonka Fuck whupped up. Yeastie Boy provided us with two or was it three canisters of his home brew. The port clouded my brain somewhat. Ed from Brew U brought out a 5 gallon container of amber swill that disappeared in short order. Many songs were sung around the roaring fire; then by the keg; then by the fire; then by the keg again. Entertainment was provided by pole climbers Roller Balls and Limp Noodle and naked fire jumping by Manhandler and some bimbo. I didn’t see her face; but her bush looked like Ball Grabbers. The On On On was at some place called the Ice House. Quite an original name since it wasn’t an ice house. Peterbuilt’s male lover…, I mean .friend, bought us all rounds of beer. He asked that we not tell anyone of his secrete relationship with Peterbuilt; so the rumor stops here. The most memorable event was Katie from Brew U screaming every time she made a good shuffle board shot. Every man and woman in the bar took notice; even Limp Noodle. Ed you lucky man you. On closing the general consensus was that Hooter Bill redeemed himself very well; albeit with the aid of Limp Noodle, Tonka Fuck and Yeastie Boy. The only negative comment came from Peterbuilt; who said that he didn’t have any real fun until he got his fingers up Hooter’s butt. On that note let me say, “Hooter Bill, all past transgressions have been forgiven and the yoke of shame can be removed at last.” Finally in the words of Dick Head… Great Hash! ON-ON "BOY GEORGE" |
Verdict Rendered II Run
#978 Sunday, October 26, 1997 Venue: Sam’s across from the Astrodome Hares: HOOTER BILL, LIMP NOODLE, TONKA FUCK, YEASTIE BOY