HASH TRASH
Date: October 15, 2000
Run No: 1144
Hares: His Excellency Heartache, Monsignor Halfmoon, Sister Digital Input, Father Will He Peter, Blessed Mother Firetunnel, Altered Boy
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This is being written in response to Heartache's assertion that if he ever really screwed up a trail and pissed a lot of people off, somebody would finally write a hash trash about it.
So, this is the hash trash for the Catholic Guilt Run--if you weren't there, that'll be ten Hail Mary's, five Our Fathers, and a Glory Be. Closet Catholics turned out in droves--nuns, priests, a monk, someone who I swear was wearing a full-sized scapular, and of course Our Holy Father (who screwed up his own title--it's His Holiness, not His Excellency--that's for ambassadors. Sin of commission--ten Hail Mary's, five Our Fathers, and a Glory Be). Plus lots and lots of Catholic schoolchildren assorted genders. Pipes in particular made a striking little hermaphrodite. Dickchaser would take the prize for most devout, being six months pregnant with what was undoubtedly another Immaculate Conception (so, how WAS the Angel Gabriel? Did he let you blow his horn?) Amazingly enough, none of the hares took advantage of this gathering of the innocents to lead us in that rousing Catholic school cheer, "Two, four, six, eight, let's all transubstantiate!" (sin of omission--ten Hail Mary's, five Our Fathers, and a Glory Be).
There was a penitent's trail. It was longer than Oral Robert's sentence in purgatory. (it is rumored that he uses birth control devices, you know). It was so long that some of the penitents (e.g., Womb Service) straggled in AFTER the on-on-on had stopped serving beer. Now, THAT'S penance for you!
There was a walker's trail. For people who bother confessing things like impure thoughts. And there was a Papal Purple trail, the hue of which I suspect owed something to the influence of Digital Input. It needed to be colored, because it was essentially last week's Full Moon trail run backwards. Clearly, the hares were too busy worshipping something on their knees to scout trail. All churches were checks (no false trails led away from the Catholic checks, obviously). You would not believe how many churches were packed into that little area we ran in--thirty, to be exact. Not
a whole lot of purple flour on some stretches, but verily, although I walk through the valley of the shadow of death--oops, sorry, I must have been ranging off of a Protestant check, there. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa (a colloquial Latin expression loosely translatable as "my bad")
After successfully negotiating assorted Mysteries of Faith (the details of which I will leave to your imagination), the pilgrims arrived at last at the Garden of Eden in the Heights Oktoberfest, where we were mistaken by the staff for Brittany Spears impersonators.
Did you know that a Palmer is a Catholic who has made a pilgrimage to The Holy Land (and returns with a palm frond from Jerusalem)? Where the hell was Harry Palmer?
Anyway, hidden away in the back sanctuary of the Garden, we received absolution and communion in the form of Nilla wafers and Jell-O shots--and also pudding shots, which were very good. I do believe that Will He Peter has successfully introduced me to a new brand of temptation and sin with those things...We also had the unforgettable experience of hearing Will He Peter sing Swing Low in Pig Latin. ALL of it.
The on-on-on was the Oktoberfest (duh!), which was a wonderful experience, except that they stopped serving beer at eight. This practice seems contrary to the spirit of both Oktoberfest and Catholicism (not to mention hashing! Sin of intent--ten Hail Mary's, five Our Fathers, and a Glory Be!) Bare Ass Burn (AKA "Babs") and Rich (has he been named yet?) were semifinalists in the Chicken Dance contest, but both were beat out by a kid less than half their height who could waddle like nobody's business. (impure thoughts--ten Hail Mary's, five Our Fathers, and a Glory Be).
In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti. Vidi carnum. Carpe Carnum. Veni in pax. The Mass is ended--Thanks be to God! And you wondered how I got my name.
Sin Bad