RUN# 1187
HARES: P.P., HEARTACHE
While the hash faithful cheerfully gathered to enjoy the latest P. P. and Heartache offering on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, I discovered for the 276,678,379th time that you must take the good with the bad, and it is sometimes difficult, if not impossible, to tell the difference. It went something like this. I was standing at the start talking with the hares about the upcoming trail. Suddenly overcome by some wild desire, Salt-Water Taffy rushed over and knelt down in front of me. In the end, to my dismay, she did manage to get both my shoestrings tied tight. On a more positive note, the hares assured everyone the trail was mostly shiggy, not too long and there would be plenty of water on trail. All true, an excellent trail by any standard.
The trail started from the end of an unfinished street in a new housing development. The pack went immediately into runnable shiggy and, like any great run, stayed in the shiggy. The run alternated between wooded trails, bayous, gas pipeline easements, dirt roads, and a small amount of thick woods. Two water and Gatorade checks and a water crossing were thrown in just for fun and survival. Roller Balls, Salt-Water Taffy, Such-A-Puss and I found most of the trail pretty easy to run. I got stuck knee deep in the mud at one spot. However as I sat in the stream trying to dig my shoes out I was forced to concede this wasn't the hares' fault. I had gone through a false to get to the deep mud. Salt-Water Taffy and Roller Balls got caught in a huge briar patch. Their progress through the woods could be accurately followed by listening to the shrill chorus of damn, shit, fuck and aaaahhh!!! Unfortunately the hares were once again blameless because Roller and Salt-Water were off trail at the time.
The checks were pretty easy with a few exceptions. If you attempted to stay on trail you had an easy day. The three or four really tough checks just added to the fun without making the trail an exercise in frustration. The pack lost several hashers at or around the first check. Many of these either beat the hare to the first water check or arrived just as he did. It seems some hashers continued to range from there to the On-In. Like many hash runs they had varying degrees of success. After some early ranging Prickly Bush was FRB. Conversely after a long strange trip Puppy Prick appeared (DFL or close to it) at the finish having seen a lot woods but very little trail. Everyone else fell somewhere in between, however, most found trail easily.
Towards the end, the trail had an eagle and turkey split, obviously for the amusement of the hares and whoever drove or walked to the end. Still, the eagle section was some of the best trail of a good run, highlighted by another trip through a runnable patch of shiggy. Roller Balls, Salt-Water Taffy and I got though with no more than a few cuts. A small price to pay for a good trail. We were On-In and Beer Near as we hit a huge running track. After circling a small part of the track, Roller Balls and I decided to forgo the bridge leading to the end and cross in the bayou. The snacks were good, the beer was better. A good time was had by all. Thanks hares, we could do with more Gatorade on trail and more shiggy runs like this one.
The circle started slowly but eventually began to pick up speed. Thanks to Roller Balls, Hash business was eventually done and accusations began in earnest. These were highlighted by Lick Her Hard's accusation that she knew more about American culture, particularly country music, than Hooter Bill. Having been found guilty of this and other crimes against the hash, Hooter Bill drank with good grace. This was, of course, too good to be true. A few down-downs later Roller Balls was chasing Hooter around the circle trying to get him to drink it or pour it over his head; anything but run with it!
Ass Grabber served some hot food immediately after the circle. It tasted great but it was impossible to tell just exactly what was in the pot. After a short discussion with the cook I decided I really did not want to know and settled for having a second cup. The food was great Ass Grabber, Thank You!
As people were heading back to their cars and the group around the keg had dwindled down to about ten or so, chaos erupted. Hooter Bill must have said something that pissed off Salt-Water Taffy. In the next instant, she picked up a stick and beaned him with it. I once saw Nolan Ryan pitch. He didn't throw that hard. Hooter staggered then toppled over and slammed into the ground blood pouring from the wound in his head. Man-Holer, seeing this, proceeded to bite Salt-Water Taffy in the leg and hold on for dear life. Is this proof of a homosexual relationship between Hooter Bill and Man-Holer or just one little bit of hash insanity on top of the other. Really, who can say. Regardless, P. P. sorted it all out a few seconds later. He brained Man-Holer with a large branch, used some left over snacks to stop up the wound in Hooter Bill's head and then helped Salt-Water Taffy to the car and left. All well that ends well. Thanks again hares, great job!
Your Faithless Scribe
WOMB SERVICE
On! On!