The Cast
Dorothy - Norma Jean
The Wizard - Will He Peter
Scarecrow - Choo Choo
Tin Man - Hairy Palms
Cowardly Lion - Twin Peaks
Good Witch - Digital Input
Mayor of Munchkin - Bush Snapper
Flying Monkey #1 - Dickless Tracy
Flying Monkey #2 - Cock Ring
Neighborhood Bitch - Geek
Block of Cheese - Beaver Breath
Lollipop Kid - Mr. T

The 5th Annual Wizard of Oz Hash took place at Boy Toy and Norma Jean's palatial spread in Magnolia, a quick 45 minutes northwest of town. The itinerary: a weekend of fun and debauchery with a big hash on Saturday followed by camping and then a hangover hash on Sunday. We arrived shortly after the announced run start time of 3pm on Saturday. The place was abuzz with tent erection etc. Full Service was seen making a close inspection of the freshly dug latrines. Will He Peter was espousing the virtues of drinking cheap vodka from a paper bag. Not from a bottle in a paper bag but actually pouring the vodka into the bag and then drinking it -- "It releases the glues and resins in the bottom of the bag -- quite tasty". There were no takers. We sucked down a few beers and were soon instructed by the hares to follow a "block of cheese" (???) up the road for the start of the run. We were entertained by Sleeping Dick's dog Digit who was busy felching another dog. About fifteen minutes later Norma Jean (playing Dorothy) showed up with Geek (another well known felcher) who was dressed up as the old lady who takes Toto away. Some bad acting ensued and Geek ripped poor Toto from the screaming Dorothy, stuffed the dog in his bicycle basket and pedaled away.

We soon found ourselves chasing Geek (in drag) up the street. Here is where things got screwed up. We were supposed to run with Dorothy who was going to take us on a guided tour of Oz at the end of the street. Unfortunately the racing element in the hash, namely Grind Slut and Catamite, decided to try to catch Geek (which they did). They set a blistering pace which the pack tried to keep, and we found ourselves at the end of the street with Dorothy still 1/4 mile back up the road. There was a check there and we spotted trail to the left. The cry of "On On" was heard and the pack was gone. The wrong way. We had managed to completely cut off what was to have been the best part of the trail. We ran through some woods and came out on an adjacent road. We followed trail up the road and came to a large arrow with OZ in large letters underneath it. The way I understand it, we had immediately picked up the end of the trail and this was the On Home. Of course we didn't know this and continued to follow the trail backwards. We took a short dive into the woods and passed the Cowardly Lion who was just getting into place. Things were definitely screwed. A little later we were running down another black top and the hares came blazing past us in the other direction. Apparently they were on there way to the beer check that we had either already been through or had completely missed. The rest of the trail was mass confusion as would be expected when running a trail backwards. After spending fifteen minutes at a back check we spotted the drunken Tin Man played by Hairy Palms weaving towards us. There was a family there watering there freshly sodded lawn -- I wonder what they thought. Anyway, he alerted us that we were in fact running the trail backwards and that the hares were now "dynamically" altering it. We hit a last stretch of shiggy where we spotted the Scarecrow, played by a very uncomfortable looking Choo Choo, who in addition to wearing a flannel shirt stuffed with hay, was also wearing a ski bib -- I never understood that part of the costume. We finally arrived at the new On Home which was located behind an elementary school.

We finally got to see all of the cast members that we were supposed to have seen on trail. They seemed to be in a much better mood than those of us that had run the trail. Of course, they had been riding around in the beer truck all afternoon while we were running around lost. Will He Peter looked a little to comfortable in his wizard's outfit. Just as everyone was beginning to cool off and enjoy a beer, the keg floated. Oh ye cruel Hash Gods.

Thus begins the third and most exciting chapter in this day of hashing: "The Ride Back to the Start". The problem was simple, there were forty or so hashers and 4 cars. Of course, with the keg floating nobody was willing to wait around for a second wave of vehicles. That was when Will He Peter had a flash of inspiration -- "Just pile yourselves onto the hood and trunk of my massive American car". This seemed reasonable to a bunch of thirsty hashers. That is, it seemed reasonable until we pulled out onto the highway and began facing oncoming traffic. My feeling is that any road worthy of the FM designation is not safe for this kind of activity.

We all made it back to the house alive. Later, we were treated to Digital Input's famous red beans and rice. Alas, I couldn't stay the night. I have word from crack reporter (and sniffer) Gonad the Barbarian, that he and Dickhead laid the hangover hash the next day. I'm sure it sucked.