8 aching assholes, 7 sucking sisters, 6 sixty-niners, 5 cock-rings.....

Per tradition, this years hash Christmas Party was held on a cold December Saturday under a steady drizzle. The location -- the former Ashbrook Hall in the city of Bellaire. When I arrived at 2pm, the hares, who had started at 8am, were still out laying the trail -- a portent of what was to come later. The crowd steadily grew, and eventually the kegs arrived and were tapped. And among the hashers there was much joy. The hares finally showed up, and shortly after 3 we found ourselves gathered around them in the rain, eagerly awaiting instructions. Malaysian style checks and standard marks, except for one false that Grind Slut had laid, that for some unknown reason was missing the vertical line. The hares pointed us to the west, and we were off.

The Forever Trail

The trail started innocently enough with a quick romp through a park and a few false trails. We soon headed south and did a series of back and forth loops through a residential area. At some point the pack got very strung out. As it turned out, less than fifty hashers actually ran that day even though over one hundred had registered for the party -- wankers. After about 45 minutes, I arrived at a bridge where a large group of walkers were standing around with their dicks in their hands. True trail went into a sewer pipe and came out across the street. At the one hour mark I made it to the beer check. After the beer check, the trail went through a pipe under the 610 loop to Braes Bayou and a mother-fucker of a check, complete with 8 false trails. Drummer found a kitten in a pile of railroad ties, he disappeared into some bushes with it and came out grinning a few minutes later, sans kitten. The trail headed south from there and crossed the 610 loop again. Hares Silent Pee and Grind Slut caught a group of us behind a church and announced that the end was near. A mile later I arrived at the On On under a tree in Meyerland Park. A true death march. I complained for awhile, but then I realized that it was over and I had a beer in my hand and it didn't seem so bad. The pack straggled in, and it was decided that down downs would take place back at the start. Somehow, I managed to miss down downs. Maybe they were brief, or maybe I was late, having ridden back to the start with Will-He-Peter who managed to make 5 wrong turns and narrowly avoided a head-on collision.

Later, a feast of turkey, baked potatoes and black beans and rice was served by Zack's Shack. After the feeding frenzy had ended, Crack Filler's band started and the saturnalia began.

The band took a break and the 1993 hash awards were given out. This years winners:

Best Trail - The 5th Annual Dick-Off
Best On On - Catholic Guilt '93
Best On On On - Fuck You, This Run's On Sunday
Death March of 1993 - Heartless Harlots Hash

All winners were awarded a commemorative plaque, each adorned with a real pair of hash shoes worn by a real hasher on a real hash trail. Roller Balls, was awarded a bottle of Tres Generaciones Tequila for being 1993's most prolific hare. Finally, each member of last years hash mismanagement received their very own Chia Pet.

Later, a group of over-zealous hashers attempted to slam dance. Among the victims of Gonad the Barbarian's open dance floor tackles were Grind Slut and RollerBalls (2 broken ribs). The party raged on till early Sunday morning.