Cock and Balls V: Wankers on Parade started at that most generic of Hash starting locations: Rice University Lot 13. Early in the week Roller Balls was heard bragging about the more than 50 yards of virgin territory that the trail would feature. At the start of the run this figure was updated to 100 yards by R.B.’s lusty sidekick Shuttlecock. Well, I never saw the 100 yards of virgin territory but at least we didn’t end at the Boatyard. As the start time drew near, the hares handed out the first of the day’s promised prizes: Hair nets and party horns. Oh Joy! With a cacophony of obnoxious horns the pack was off.

Given the promise of more and better prizes to be handed out during the course of the trail, the pack enthusiastically donned their powder blue hair nets as the trail ran through the middle of Rice and into Herman Park. Nothing too interesting to report there, just a lot of confused looks from civilians. Next the trail headed through the economically challenged neighborhoods east of the park. Someone called me a "Mutha Fucka". We eventually crossed Main and headed into Montrose where we found the first beer/turtle check at 321 W. Alabama. It actually wasn’t a beer check. Instead, the hares were dishing out some rank yellow shots, rumored to be kamikazes. Just the way I like ‘em: lukewarm with undissolved mix. The hares also handed out the second round of prizes: Hawaiian flower necklaces and balloons filled with an unknown white liquid. From the beer check, the trail continued through Montrose heading towards down town. There was a llama check. A little more pavement brought us to the second beer/turtle check at a large vacant lot on the edge of the fourth ward. The hares didn’t seem all that bothered when we left the turtle check before the tail of the pack came in. They did however say that we were close to the end. We basically ran to the Pierce elevated downtown and then looped back to the west. It started to get obvious that we were headed back to the turtle check on a lengthy circle jerk. The last mark on trail said “he he”.

Back at the turtle check (now the On Home) the hares were quite pleased with themselves, having suckered about half of the pack into running the loop. Geek came in last. I think he ran to Allen’s Landing. The hares had provided two kegs but in a classic hare fuck-up had brought only one tap. Roller Balls was sent to retrieve the missing tap. Someone noticed that there was no hot sauce to go with the chips. “It’s a statement” said Shuttlecock. Down downs went on for a very long time which probably explains why I remember almost nothing about them. There were 5 or 6 new boots. Zig-Bag exposed himself. Amy was named CRAFT (Can't Remember A Fucking Thing) for an incident in New Zealand. [Insert your recollections of Down Downs here].

The On On On was back at 321 W. Alabama. It was fun...