All quotes, depictions, descriptions etc contained herein are totally accurate and have been completely verified.

Friday Night - Run #731 hares: Power Tool, Easy Rider, Shay(sp)

The live hares took off from the Rice Stadium parking lot a full 10 minutes before the announced starting time. Dick the Boy Wonder led the group in a round of Singin in the Rain and it was soon time to start. Easy Rider pointed the pack in the complete opposite direction from where the trail started so the hash spent the first 30 minutes wandering aimlessly around Rice Boulevard. Fortunately, Rollerballs had a bag of flour and usurped Power Tool's live hare trail. Under his guidance, the pack finally made it to the Boatyard for the On-On / On-On-On. Excellent Italian food was provided by the "crack" team of Great Kahuna and and his cooks. Naturally Kinky was heard to remark, "Would you like some sauce on your balls?" Shuttlecock and Rollerballs like traffic lights. Hash Mysteries: Who threw the tub of butter against the side of the food & beer truck? Was that Buck-a-Suck seen pinching a loaf between two boats? Did Lorna Dunnes actually answer yes to Geek's proposal?

Saturday - somewhere in the woods north of Houston A very hungover hash arrived at Pineneedles campground early saturday and prepared for the debauch. Baby Ruth and Muscle Twat set up their tent in what is known in geological circles as a ??? basin. Given the ominous black clouds, this was not a good idea.

With much fanfare a may pole was erected near the House of Sin. The pole had multi-colored streamers hanging down on all sides for the anticipated traditional weaving of the may pole. The event was canceled, however, when the necessary virgins could not be found. Later in the weekend, Drummer Bill suggested that the virgins need not be female or even human, but this idea was cast into the flames as was the unweaved may pole.

Pee Wee set up a huge tent and spread out a big sheet of plastic inside. He was seen with a large bottle of Crisco and a sign that read "Orgy Tent". He was later sighted sneaking off with one of the Izzy-Dizzy bats and an expectant look on his face.

Run #732 hares: Grind Slut and Tuna Helper

Silent Dick was forced into reliving a painful childhood memory during the hot, sticky, cattle-car like trip to the start of the Saturday run. He was spotted weeping and clutching to the leg of Geek. We finally made it to the start of the run and everyone poured out of the Ryder trucks. Just then it began to rain. We had already received instructions back at the campsite so the pack immediately took off into the bush. The trail was excellent and the downpour added to the jungle-like quality. Dead Bloated Pig of Austin was sighted following the trail that was clearly marked "Gay Boys, Wankers, etc." confirming our long-held beliefs about anyone from Austin with short hair. There were multiple water crossings and lots of mud. On Your Knees of Dallas is captured on film helping Bed Swapper up a muddy bank by way of a firm buttock squeeze, what chivalry. As we made it in to the On Home it really began to pour. A large group of wankers attempted to squeeze underneath a single poncho to escape the downpour. The group seemed to consist mostly of the letchers in the Hash and a few bimbos who didn't know any better, which leads us to the following from The Dictionary of Slang and Euphemism:

frottage - In a very general and literal sense, any sexual experience (simulation, feeling, or gratification) involving rubbing. Specifically a sexual disturbance in men which involves pressing the front of the body (fully clothed) against women in a crowd. The resulting sexual stimulation may lead to orgasm.

During down downs, Roller Balls attempted to treat the hash to a self-performed disembowelment by belly-sliding into the circle. Unfortunately some wanker removed the broken bottle from his path and thus we were spared the sight of Bladerunner and Naturally Kinky testing out their homemade first aid kits on Roller Ball's streaming entrails. Licks His Own finally makes it in and is battered, literally. Following down downs an attempt was made at hash olympics. The team with tits won (cheated) at Izzy Dizzy. Disgusted, we loaded back into the trucks and headed back to the campsite.

For those of us who cared to bathe (I did not), hot showers were provided. Muscle Phart covorts around the building in what can be best described as a small washcloth. The as yet unamed Bob was seen loitering around the bidet.

Letch was seen handing out baggies of "sex lubricant". A homemade batch of something he had read about in The Extended Sexual Orgasm that supposedly allows one to "fuck for hours and not get sore."

Tuna Helper somehow managed to get seriously shitfaced after the Saturday run. He went head to head with the largest objects he could find, including the Slutmobile and Bully. Bully, a well know brown-hatter who was seen earlier packing mud around the may pole, retaliated by ripping a hole in Tuna's jeans and slipping him the John Thomas. Tuna Helper proudly displayed the hole in his pants; Muscle Phart later commented that this meant he was "open to suggestion."

Even our supposedly more mature hashers got into the spirits on Saturday night. According to a reliable source, Easy Rider was seen running around with a skimpy black bra and nothing else. When this was pointed out to her she responded, "Oh, I forgot to put pants on!" (This was prior to her performance in the "Yeastie Girls" skit). Meanwhile, Power Tool was involved in a martini and enchiladas session with Grind Slut and Bladerunner. Power Tool was later overheard saying, "yeah, I did the murder ... but I didn't know he was no cop."

Muscle Phart performed a ceremonial burning of the bare ass photographs from his 69th Full Moon T-shirts. Just what has he been doing with those photos for the last six months?

Half Moon got a taste of his own medicine late Saturday night as he was groped and had simulated buggery performed on him by an unidentified out-of-towner. It was later reported that Half Moon was spotted at the Erotic Cabaret lingerie store trying on codpieces with a man known only as "Leather."

Anyone walking around the east side of the building couldn't help but notice Hot Poker and Can't Hound's RV's parked next to each other with the doors facing one another. This was to facilitate the "wife-swap-o-rama" that they had been planning since the Texas Interhash. When asked if he was concerned about the union of the petite Thai'd One with the massive Italian salami of Hot Poker, Can't Hound responded, "No, he's so drunk he probably can't get it up anyway." Don't Do That could not be reached for comment.

Later saturday night, everyone gathered in the House of Sin for skits and live music. Persperation and farts (fueled by Great Kahuna's mexican feast) combined to form a heady fragrance that seemed to further stimulate the saturnalia. At some point Geek and Lorna exchanged wedding vows. A number of discoveries were made when the backgrounds of the two were inquired about. It turns out that Lorna has warrants in two states and that Geek used to be a woman.

Saturday night ended with a nude hash hared by Catamite. It was 400 yards long, ended at a pool, and was run by 3 bimbos and 18 hard dicks.

Cums Daily succumbed to the lure of the stereotype referred to in the Bible - "Yea, and the Nubian hath been blessed with the largest sword" - and went for the baseball bat sized Johnson in Fort Porker's shorts. They were later seen exchanging tokens of affection after consummating their lust in the shower. Cums Daily later remarked, "It's been a complete weekend."

There was a complaint about improper behavior on Sunday. At first report, Bull Bait was disturbed by the lustful behavior of the Hash men taking part in Dick the Boy Wonder's "T-shirt and Tit Suck" scam, his latest enterprise. However, an alternate viewpoint was given by Letch, saying that "application of cold water improves the adhesion of whipped cream but results in increased sprinkle loss." He went on to say, "It's the closest I've gotten to a butt-chug -- yet." (Don't pass out on Sunday Letch - maybe you'll get closer. eds.)

Things were really degenerating late Sunday afternoon as a large group of hashers eagerly waited to see if Grind Slut would sniff his hand after a vigorous butt itching session. Our patience was rewarded when 10 minutes later he nonchalantly wafted the tainted hand in front of his nose.