Author Archives: Dick Assley

Hash #1841 – Slap Dat Creamy Insane Pussy Back Hash

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Hares:  Slap Dat Ass, Insance Clown Pussy, Cream On My Back

Because it was his birthday, Cream asked me to write his trash.  Here it is in haiku form.

Start at Happy Meal

Three Hares to help celebrate

Cream On My Back’s birth.

 

Chalk Talk was started,

Spot on the Mat showed up late,

Cannot park worth shit.

 

Hounds sent on their way,

Dick Assley was in the front,

Not for very long.

 

Crossed Westcott quickly,

Traffic coming from both sides,

Almost hit by car.

 

Ran to railroad tracks,

Found 10 yards of shitty trail,

Running on tracks sucks.

 

Saw Slap at her car,

Cooler filled with jell-o shots,

Birthday Cake flavor.

 

Ran north for too long,

T.C. Jester not hash friend,

ly, getting real hot.

 

Lube Job riding bike,

Bitching about everything,

Had to carry bike.

 

“Water Crossing” was,

Smelly, trash-filled drainage ditch,

Hearthache found his balls.

 

Came up to a park,

Saw hashers just hanging out,

Thank god, a beer check.

 

Too many miles left,

Was getting warmer outside,

legs were giving out.

 

Trail went back to park,

Dead trees torn out of the ground,

Not a virgin end.

 

Hash food way too good,

Assorted cheese and crackers,

left in sun too long.

 

Beer was flowing fast,

Circle was called to “order”

Slap was put on ice.

 

Prizes given out,

For the best item on trail,

baby almost won.

 

Couldn’t hear cirlce,

Ramrod tried to take control,

Iced asses abound.

 

Shigmata looked hot,

Ice water was dumped on head,

Revenge would be had.

 

Circle then ended,

Time to watch a beer mile,

record be broken.

 

Horsefli didn’t see,

Shigmata with the trash can,

Ice water looked cold.

 

On-After was full,

Of lesbian softball teams,

cheap beer and crawfish.

 

Beer mile record

breaker was super wasted,

it’s good to be king.

 

On-on to the Spring,

TXIH and camp-out,

Register.  Bitches.

A bridge too far or Ram a Horse with a Tender Rod Hash

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Hares:  Tender Vittles, Horsefli Drivebi, Ramrob

So there we were in e-mails up to here, with the hares promising the most shiggy of trails, with lengths of epic proportions and terrain so ruff, not even the dogs could attend…

Now, with most hares, all of the smoke and sunshine being blow up our asses on the email is just that, smoke and sunshine.  This time it was different.  This time, it was the truth.  Continue reading →

Hash #1801 – Too Hot to Run Hash

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Hares:  Whale’s Vagina, Meatbox, Weapons of Mass-Turbation

Well, it was a hot and steamy day and the hares decided to lay a trail.  Our thoughtful hares thought that having the trail on the hottest day of the summer (so far) in order to please the hounds.  They also decided to have the start location in the hottest parking lot of Houston.  As the pack gathered, you could see the sweat pools starting to grow around the feet and tires in the parking lot.  The hares promised “shaded urban-shiggy” and the pack got to learn, once again, that hares lie.  Continue reading →

H4 Spring Campout! Cinco De Mayo 2012!

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Hares:  Geek, Horsefli, Heartache, Too Drunk to Fuck, Dick Assley, Catcher in the Brown Eye, Flatline, the rest of Mismanagement and anyone else that helped run things.  

Well, the H4 spring campout was this past weekend and boy was it a hoot.  It all went down at an awesome place called MYBEACH1.com right on the San Jacinto river.  It had plenty of camp space, shiggy swampland, two beaches, a pavilion and lots of great people. Continue reading →

Hash #1787 – The Leather and Lace Hash (Aka – S&M Punishment hash 2.0)

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Hares:  Vanilla Starfish, Free Pussy

So what was supposed to be the Leather and Lace hash really turned into the 2nd Anal Punishment hash for no other reason than the hares strange fetish for S&M and anal play.  The pack met up at Spotts park dressed in their Sunday’s best lingerie to a few strange looks from non-hashers coming to the park.  We were also lucky enough to have some spying eyes from the roof of the adjacent building.  One even flashed us as we waiting to start.   Finally the hares did chalk talk and we were on our way to the promised Alcohol check .   Continue reading →

The Death and Taxes Hash

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Hares:  Death Cab for Bootie, Platterpuss*, Duke of Puke (as a stand-in for Platter)

50-60 hashers gathered on a downtown street side for chalk talk. I had gone for a little warm-up run (yes, I was made to drink for this) and saw that a cop car had pulled up asking questions.  Not sure what was said; the hash was subsequently left in peace to parade through downtown Houston.South, east, north, west, south again was sorta how the trail went.   Hares did a good job of keeping the pack together.   Continue reading →

Hash #1778 – Red Dress Run!

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Hares:  Platter-Puss, AssSwipe, Guest Hare Ez to Please and Twinkletoes

(picture courtesy of C.C.)

What a fantastic day for a Red Dress Run with such a large group of hashers.  I think the final number was 99 total hashers including quite a few reboots and more than enough new boots.  One particularly awesome reboot was Hash Royalty, Miss TXIH Ez to Please, in from Boston.  We also had Semper Pie visit us from San Antonio!!!!  The pack met up at the Flying Saucer for some Texas Pints prelubing and by the time I got there, I could tell I had missed out.  The place was packed.  It was so full that half of the hashers had to hang out on the patio in their pretty red dresses while the hares “finalized their plans”(drank). Continue reading →

Hash #1774 – I F*cked Your Frech Dad’s Drippy Tool(box) Hash

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Hares: I F*cked Your Dad, French Drip, Toolbox

(Thanks for writing the hash trash Brrrrrrggghhh)

GREAT being back to the Houston hash! As McP mentioned, we did get stopped by a warden who mentioned it’s a Class B Misdemeanor for our trespassing. Thankfully, and according to McP, she gave him only a warning after he showed his peter to her. She stood stunned and speechless.

Two kegs….we think they were full kegs…simply vanished just before accusations. Nonetheless, thanks to Second Hand Job for handling the beer wagon.

IFYD, French Drip and Tool Box laid a most fun shiggy trail! 5 miles in length. Two virgins. And many reboots. Here is my quick recap:

1) The walkers were out on trail for a solid THREE hours. Lost, like the crew from Gilligans Island. Hooter, in a most adamant and concerned tone, stated that someone needed to look for the walkers. Il Castrato and I laughed at Hooter’s concern as Il C. stated, “Hooter — the walkers’ rights activist.”
2) Someone set up a hanging shower in the woods. All hasher dogs joined in howling unison as they extolled Closet Freak in her pure and nekkid beauty.
3) Refer to Point #2 – Closet Freak in the nude. Pimp Dawg was called into the circle for cleansing in the above said shower and expecting that Closet F. was next to him. He saw a nude back and longer, curly hair. Imagine his surprise when his shower partner turned to face him and it was Tree Hugger!! (Insert “Sodomy” song here).
4) Butt Pirate sported his new ironman tatoo on his right calf. Quite unique. He is scheduled to do IM Texas again!
5) I congratulated Dangleberry on his marathon debut! 2:58:01. Outstanding! !!!
6) The game warden imposed her authority of our trespassing by stopping the 2nd hasher, Tender Vittles. At this point, Saran is well ahead and speeding down the embankment. Tender then yells, “Saran!! Saran!! Come back!!” Game warden says, “What’s he doing down there? He could get hurt!!!”.
7) Saran called out Just John for coming up short of tip money at the Yardhouse bar a week or so ago. Saran gave Just John the money he lacked/needed. Saran proposed the naming, “Short Tip”. Great idea! However, “Tipper Whore” was claimed as his hash name. (Which BTW, he despises…) .
8) At the On On On, I’m waiting for a beer at the bar while Parson’s Nose is making new friends within a few feet. One of the regulars asked me (pointing to PN), “Is he your husband?” I laughed heartily and asked PN for his answer. He replied, “Not tonight”.
9) An official paddle was given to various hashers to spank the girl whose bday is tomorrow. Closet Freak gave a whopping blow to IFYD that I think sent her to the heavens. It was harsh.
10) Many of you missed this, but about 5 hashers were pushing French D.’s vehicle from the front as it was sorta stuck in the mud. All who were pushing gave a heave-ho. One who gave an honest and all-out effort was Urban Cocksucker. He pushed and fell face forward in the mud! Everyone else kept their balance, except him. It was a complete riot to see.

Trail was great, circle was fun and there are many more stories to share….but this harriette has to hit the hay!!

On-on to more hashing and Pooperbowl next week!!!

Brrrrrggggggggggghh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhh

(Verified Official Hash Trash by Dick Assley, 1/30/12)

H4 #1774

Heartache = Yellow

Krusty Kreme = White

Rancid Asshole = Red

Blow Hole = Purple

Pull the Plug = Green