Hares – Grind Slut, Ass Wipe, Charity Fuck
Virgins – 10
Visitors – 5
Total Hashers – 80
Quote of the run: “It’s a Festivus miracle!”

Feats of strength! Airing of grievances! The aluminum pole! Such is the Festivus tradition brought to you yearly (and frequently by Grind Slut). This year, your hares suckered another nubile female virgin into their religious zeal. This was an apparent attempt to deflour Charity Fuck. Last year it was Circle Jerk. My how they move on quick! The hares promised a 4 mile run, the pinning of the heads (who said head?!), and other acrobatic amusement…little did they know…Festivus would take a turn for the long.

The trail began in Memorial Park, as most good things do, with a swoop around the Fruit Loop and into oncoming cyclist traffic. We passed near the ending of last year’s Festivus run, shed a tear for when we tied I Am Cumstain to the pole, and moved along, skimming Memorial before touching along Hooter Bill’s favorite shiggy. You know the one patch of shiggy by Arnot? The one so frequently used, we stopped leaving money for it on the dresser? The patch of shiggy who is so battered, we keep telling her we don’t mean it and that we just get so angry sometimes?  That one. Needless to say, the shiggy forgave us once more and we trailed along the road instead until heading towards the highway. A breeze washed over us on Washington, and the faint smell of Sunday afternoon douchebags wafted on the air. It smelled faintly of old pickles and Axe body spray. Good times.
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