Category Archives: Hash Trash

Weekly reports from the trails we’ve run. For hash trashes before 2008, click here.

Hash #1787 – The Leather and Lace Hash (Aka – S&M Punishment hash 2.0)

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Hares:  Vanilla Starfish, Free Pussy

So what was supposed to be the Leather and Lace hash really turned into the 2nd Anal Punishment hash for no other reason than the hares strange fetish for S&M and anal play.  The pack met up at Spotts park dressed in their Sunday’s best lingerie to a few strange looks from non-hashers coming to the park.  We were also lucky enough to have some spying eyes from the roof of the adjacent building.  One even flashed us as we waiting to start.   Finally the hares did chalk talk and we were on our way to the promised Alcohol check .   Continue reading →

The Death and Taxes Hash

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Hares:  Death Cab for Bootie, Platterpuss*, Duke of Puke (as a stand-in for Platter)

50-60 hashers gathered on a downtown street side for chalk talk. I had gone for a little warm-up run (yes, I was made to drink for this) and saw that a cop car had pulled up asking questions.  Not sure what was said; the hash was subsequently left in peace to parade through downtown Houston.South, east, north, west, south again was sorta how the trail went.   Hares did a good job of keeping the pack together.   Continue reading →

Hash #1778 – Red Dress Run!

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Hares:  Platter-Puss, AssSwipe, Guest Hare Ez to Please and Twinkletoes

(picture courtesy of C.C.)

What a fantastic day for a Red Dress Run with such a large group of hashers.  I think the final number was 99 total hashers including quite a few reboots and more than enough new boots.  One particularly awesome reboot was Hash Royalty, Miss TXIH Ez to Please, in from Boston.  We also had Semper Pie visit us from San Antonio!!!!  The pack met up at the Flying Saucer for some Texas Pints prelubing and by the time I got there, I could tell I had missed out.  The place was packed.  It was so full that half of the hashers had to hang out on the patio in their pretty red dresses while the hares “finalized their plans”(drank). Continue reading →

CSI and Picunte Hash or The Case of the Missing Trail

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Hares: CSI and Picunte

This trail had a lot of things; Shiggy, urban shiggy, great views of downtown and a virgin ending. The one thing it lacked was flour. You may remember flour as that powdered substance we use to mark trails. There was so little of it on trail that whenever I saw some I knew instantly how twins feel when they finally see their sibling after years of being apart. The connection is that intense.

Lack of trail aside it was nice to end at CSI’s swamp on the edge of 45. The hash was treated to the first week of a two week piss mist from ATV. She decided to christen CSI’s neighbors yard with her nectar.

Oh fuck, I nearly threw up writing that.

Hash #1774 – I F*cked Your Frech Dad’s Drippy Tool(box) Hash

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Hares: I F*cked Your Dad, French Drip, Toolbox

(Thanks for writing the hash trash Brrrrrrggghhh)

GREAT being back to the Houston hash! As McP mentioned, we did get stopped by a warden who mentioned it’s a Class B Misdemeanor for our trespassing. Thankfully, and according to McP, she gave him only a warning after he showed his peter to her. She stood stunned and speechless.

Two kegs….we think they were full kegs…simply vanished just before accusations. Nonetheless, thanks to Second Hand Job for handling the beer wagon.

IFYD, French Drip and Tool Box laid a most fun shiggy trail! 5 miles in length. Two virgins. And many reboots. Here is my quick recap:

1) The walkers were out on trail for a solid THREE hours. Lost, like the crew from Gilligans Island. Hooter, in a most adamant and concerned tone, stated that someone needed to look for the walkers. Il Castrato and I laughed at Hooter’s concern as Il C. stated, “Hooter — the walkers’ rights activist.”
2) Someone set up a hanging shower in the woods. All hasher dogs joined in howling unison as they extolled Closet Freak in her pure and nekkid beauty.
3) Refer to Point #2 – Closet Freak in the nude. Pimp Dawg was called into the circle for cleansing in the above said shower and expecting that Closet F. was next to him. He saw a nude back and longer, curly hair. Imagine his surprise when his shower partner turned to face him and it was Tree Hugger!! (Insert “Sodomy” song here).
4) Butt Pirate sported his new ironman tatoo on his right calf. Quite unique. He is scheduled to do IM Texas again!
5) I congratulated Dangleberry on his marathon debut! 2:58:01. Outstanding! !!!
6) The game warden imposed her authority of our trespassing by stopping the 2nd hasher, Tender Vittles. At this point, Saran is well ahead and speeding down the embankment. Tender then yells, “Saran!! Saran!! Come back!!” Game warden says, “What’s he doing down there? He could get hurt!!!”.
7) Saran called out Just John for coming up short of tip money at the Yardhouse bar a week or so ago. Saran gave Just John the money he lacked/needed. Saran proposed the naming, “Short Tip”. Great idea! However, “Tipper Whore” was claimed as his hash name. (Which BTW, he despises…) .
8) At the On On On, I’m waiting for a beer at the bar while Parson’s Nose is making new friends within a few feet. One of the regulars asked me (pointing to PN), “Is he your husband?” I laughed heartily and asked PN for his answer. He replied, “Not tonight”.
9) An official paddle was given to various hashers to spank the girl whose bday is tomorrow. Closet Freak gave a whopping blow to IFYD that I think sent her to the heavens. It was harsh.
10) Many of you missed this, but about 5 hashers were pushing French D.’s vehicle from the front as it was sorta stuck in the mud. All who were pushing gave a heave-ho. One who gave an honest and all-out effort was Urban Cocksucker. He pushed and fell face forward in the mud! Everyone else kept their balance, except him. It was a complete riot to see.

Trail was great, circle was fun and there are many more stories to share….but this harriette has to hit the hay!!

On-on to more hashing and Pooperbowl next week!!!

Brrrrrggggggggggghh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhh

(Verified Official Hash Trash by Dick Assley, 1/30/12)

H4 #1774

Heartache = Yellow

Krusty Kreme = White

Rancid Asshole = Red

Blow Hole = Purple

Pull the Plug = Green

Post Marathon Hash

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Hare: Dangle Berry

What can you say? He ran the marathon and then live-hared this run. I think he ought to be publicly pissed on, he ought to be publicly shot.

Bang Bang.

I love this guy but I’ve seen his dick more than I’ve seen my own.

Three Dogs and a Kat Run

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Hares: The Ree-Ro Crew. I don’t know all of their names. Look it up if you’re that curious, asshole.

This was somewhere south and the weather was really nice. I walked most of it with my On-Sec counterpart Dick ‘the clown from midtown’ Assley (I don’t know if he lives there) There was a golf course and sewage. DA kept trying to grab my peenie but I wasn’t having it. Seriously, if you’re ever on a trail with Dick ‘Ball Fro’ Assley wear a cup. Ol’ grab hands can’t get him enough testes. I hope that’s all changed. I wouldn’t know, I can’t look him in the eyes to this day.

Enough about Dick “Bleached Anus’ Assley, this run was fun and I couldn’t understand a word the hares said.

Also, interesting fact; the White House got it’s name because some Brits and Canadians burned down your presidential mansion in 1814.

NYE Hangover Run

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Hare: PP

I wasn’t at this run but I’m sure PP’s trail was pretty kick ass.

I’ve been on this mortal coil a couple years and I’ve had some great NYEs and some truly horrible NYDs. Most NYDs growing up were spent with the family eating lentil soup, ham and Yorkshire pudding. Then, I found alcohol. Lentil soup stopped being the focus of NYD and movies like Dumb and Dumber took the place of Yorkshire pudding. Ham switched to bacon and youthful exuberance for the future turned to frequent trips to the porcelain bus crying out for a quick death.

One of the worst NYDs was when Hole in 1 and I had been married a total of 6 months. The night prior I had deemed it my responsibility to play the best fucking Jenga game you could imagine all while emulating Dean Martin in his heyday. Eventually Jenga mocked my bloated, alcohol soaked corpse as I lay in a centrifugal force known as the bathroom floor.

FUCK YOU PHYSICS!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t even know if what I just typed made any sense. I’m not a fucking scientist.

The next day Hole in 1 made me attend her high school fucking reunion at none other than DAVE AND GO SUCK A FAT DICK, BUSTER(S) If you’re keeping score at home I am 9 years older than my smoking hot wife, as Mama’s Boy is want to say, so my game is already hindered by a 9 year handicap. Add to the fact that I hate each and everyone of them just for doing this you could say my first impression was that of a surly old man screaming for the damn kids to get off my lawn.

In hindsight I would trade that one day for 30 of PP’s trails.