Hares: Dickrectionally Challenged, medicine Horsefli Drive-bi, seek Spin Cycle
For those living a life of leisure, here’s what happened at the hash on Sunday.
TRAIL
The only thing missing from this trail was F.R.E.A.K. On A Leash, the only Campbell who doesn’t live in that shining jewel of a city, the Houston metropolitan area. Her family members nonetheless provided a cool trail for a hot day. It was so hot, in fact, that noted He-man Insane Clown Pussy sat in the car just until trail started, trying to soak up as much benefacting AC as he might. Hounds and harriettes convened under what meager shade was provided in the Wal-Mart parking lot in Lake Charles La Porte. The hares advised the donning of shiggy socks before holding a chalk talk with some sexy new marks, Girls On Trampolines, and Skinny Dip checks. Hastening to make the On In before all their carefully applied sunscreen was sweated off, the pack ran off into the wilds of Nacogdoches La Porte.
Attempting to reduce their beer needs for circle, the hares first tried to kill some hounds with an immediate street crossing. True trail then travelled down a pipeline easement past the first GOT check. We regret to report that there was no topless trampolining L. Flour then skirted a little league park where pederasts and cougar-hunters alike could enjoy the scenery of players and their parents. Next trail traversed the entirety of Canada! That would be the street, not the national neighbor. After a brief bout of shiggy, the Skinny Dip check was found at the edge of a sand pit. Many chose to swim the pond, and only Dick Assley among them actually dipped it skinny. Whale’s Vagina pulled down his shorts mid-swim, giving Whale Tail, trailing right behind, a full moon at the shore. Swimmers were looking for a break from the oppressive heat, but the water was piss warm on the surface. About three feet down, however, a thermocline yielded a far more soothing stratum.
Trail now enjoyed the briefest of shade before emerging at the bayou again and winding into a neighborhood. The hares curiously missed laying trail at a drainage pipe labeled “Glory Hole.” Hmm, wonder what that is. Following the concrete further upstream, the pack finally came upon the beer check, right after Spin Cycle sprayed them with an ice cold squirt gun. It never felt so good to take a cold load in the face. Fearful for their electrolytes, many hashers only drank half their beer and left the remainder on the tailgate. Remarking upon the mass grave of wounded soldiers, Jizz Hands said it reminded him of parties in high school. This raises two issues: was he actually invited to parties in high school, or were these parties at the worst high school ever? Talk amongst yourselves. The next leg of trail led west of Beaumont the start, across a pasture and down another power line easement. Once more into the breach and along the cemented bayou, finally the On In was found with satisfying beer, loose women, endowed men, precious shade, and a warming, yellowing pool.
CIRCLE
After everyone had the opportunity to gorge themselves, disregard the chance for car backs, and take a cursory whiz in the pool, it was time to start circle. In the pool! Religious advisor Ramrod began by getting everyone’s attention to the tune of The Mayor of Bayswater. Naturally the hares were feted and castigated first. There was but one virgin this week: Just Gene, and don’t call him Douglas. Reboots followed, featuring Pimp Doggie Dog (enjoying married life…again), Geezer the Sleazer (parole officer wouldn’t leave him alone), and Dick Assley, who was “spreading the good word of Jesus Christ!” Hey, he is a preacher, sort of. Urban Cocksucker and Jizz Hands were bestowed their 25 run dog tags, Platterpuss celebrated his new job (someone’s gotta mop the jizz in the PV booths), and Tool Box her, ah, 28th birthday; the lot of them ass to ass of course. The lone visitor was Pull the Prick Out, ex-RA of Paris H3, and had the shittiest (le plus merdant) French accent in history.
At last the usual business was complete and the real fun could begin with accusations. Pimp had a bone(r) to pick with Brrrgh, who greeted the newly wed with a dick-deflating “Hi, Pops!” at the start. McPisser then bragged about his FRB status, having snared the hare, by virtue of having been texted the On In location that he might deliver beer. Coming up next on redtube, 2 kegs, 1 truck! Dick Assley was then recognized for regularly displaying his assets to circle, via continually breaching like a cetacean, showing his prominent dorsal features. In the first of what would be surprisingly many racist (no, not r@cist) down downs, One Eyed Snake Charmer was called in to prove that even dark skinned folks can get suntans. At this point it would be remiss to omit the fact that Twinkle Toes brought the On Sec a beer. May his beard never run gray.
After the hares drank for missing the glory hole on their own trail, Just Mary was heard to whisper “What’s a glory hole?” In what is surely one of the fastest and least contested namings in the last 3 months, she was authoritatively named. Cuntratulations, Glory Hole! Just Gene drank next for awkwardly bragging that he was the starting catcher for the Sandusky All Stars. Maybe he’s just from Ohio? We’ll go with no. At this point it would be remiss to omit the fact that Ring of Fire was around looking hot, but not doing much else. Back to the regularly scheduled trash. Brrrgh was singled out, also for being hot, but mostly for not showing titty on the trampoline. She enjoyed her down down to the tune of everyone’s favorite song, Swinging Tits. On the subject of tits, ICP bawled that while waiting at the boob check, he saw nary a nipple from Just Brandy nor 5 Dicks Max nor Slap That Ass. He would have been better off trailing Whale Tale, who gleefully exposed hers, however without an audience.
Fucking Tree Hugger was called in next for keeping his head intact this week, refraining from pool diving. Some say that scar on his forehead was from a wizard battle, others mean and rueful of the western dream. Raising her voice to the loudest heard in weeks during the Jesus Can’t Go Hashing song, Tale of 2 Titties was the seed of a Hebrew social in circle. Please insert your own vaudevillian, Borcht-belt Jew joke here: ______. Moving on. While sharing a skinny-dippers (Glory Hole: what’s skinny dipping?) social with Dick Assley, Whale’s Vagina’s awesome cowboy hard hat was knocked from his noggin. Attempting to catch it, the hat instead careened into RA Ramrod’s face. Blame the twins, blame Whale’s Vagina, but really blame the absence of Safety Circle. You can never be too safe. At this point it would be remiss to omit the fact that Twinkle Toes again beer’d the On Sec. May his pubes grow silky and manageable.
The hares drank again for not laying any dick checks. During the ensuing Zulu Warrior song, the motion of churning hashers dancing around the pool generated such a current, it appeared to flush the bowl. Regrettably, no half minds were sucked down the drain. As no circle is complete without wild allegations of homosexual behavior, Rancid Asshole drank for attempting to pull off McPisser’s swim trunks. Because nobody wants to see that. Now we all know He Enjoys Fellatio (Glory Hole: who’s fellay she oh?). For some reason To2T didn’t wait for Hooter Bill on trail, and he got a bath while standing outside the pool. During the wet thrashing that entailed, and this is not made up, Unlaiden Swallows remarked “The Jew was washed clean!”
By this point, accusations were getting ultra lame. Also the notes make no sense. What can you make of this: Meat Box huge nipples Roadkill no shower? At some point, Dick Assley was redeputized as the pool enforcer. Better late than never. Jizz Hands, and probably, Glory Hole were unfamiliar with motorboating. GH eventually did show her fine pair, believing they could not be motorboated. Ah, a worthy challenge! At this point it would be remiss to omit the fact that Yabba Dabba Don’t got chlorine poisoning by biting too many bubbles in the pool. Then it was time to swing low and GTFO.
ON AFTER
Evidently, it was balls to the wall fun. Drink did flow and blood did spill. Which I suppose means it was in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. There is no reliable reconnaissance for this event, however.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
- Full Moon Beer Monkey is coming up, if that string of words has meaning to you.
NEW SONGS
Cougar Baiting
(Funiculi, Funicula)
Last night I went outside and cougar baited
It felt so good, I knew it would
Last night I went outside and cougar baited
It felt so nice, we did it twice
You should have seen us at Cool River,
A-making out, a-making out, a-making out
You should have seen us back at her place
She’d scream and shout, scream and shout, scream and shout
Clothes off, claws out, a lady to adore
In years she’s close to my age, or perhaps a decade more
Some people say that teenagers are grand
But as for me it’s cougars I demand
Jizzin’ Away
(Dobie Gray – Drift Away)
I’m gonna give her the meat, boys, and free my soul
I’m gonna get my cock lost in her (Glory) hole
And jizz away…I’ll be jizzin’ awayyyyyy!
On On, me droogies
Your ‘umble narrator
Whale’s Vagina